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Old 12-27-2013, 07:13 AM   #1
Lost Pilot
jiminizzle's Avatar
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Coming Down, Cleveland Avenue
Nocturne Op.9 No.2

please leave a link if you want a look

Nocturne Op.9 No.2

A siren banshees down the county roads
far from cities and ordinary crime.
I am the last person to know emergecy--

well, no. Now, no--and hardly at all then,
and even that night when I got home
I barely understood,

the neighbor was in the driveway
phone in hand, the police closing in,
and we stood there

without available identities,
figures in the dark
we could have been anybody, and

I wanted to cry
but you
never came back
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
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Old 12-31-2013, 12:23 PM   #2
Corpus Callosum
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Join Date: Dec 2002
interesting, I like this, and turning banshee into a verb, and the typo in emergency.
it makes you wonder what crime was committed, and I like it when I have to use my imagination.

im glad youre still writing.
Touché, douche.
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Old 12-31-2013, 10:04 PM   #3
(objects) ocean.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
i love the sense of anonymity that's briefly taken on in this. do you think that "but you never came back" is sort of a weird ending though? "but" implies a sort of conflict in what's going on and what's felt. It's almost as if the "you" in the poem shouldn't come back, that their return would have that sorrowful effect. maybe that's what you mean, and in some remote way that makes sense in the wake of losing others, but that sense is remote, and it's perhaps a little more ambiguous a note to end on than you intended. it's like i know what you're saying, but there's this pang that maybe you mean the opposite at the end. maybe that's great though. no one has their thoughts all together in emergencies.
electronic writing

behind these two hills here I fall asleep.
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