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Old 05-03-2014, 05:46 PM   #1
StreetLight3989
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Little Flame

Hey, I just wrote a poem about some things I've been going through the past couple of months and my fear of letting go. I either want to make it into song lyrics or submit it to some literature magazines and websites to get it published. Any critique and feedback would be super helpful and I will critique back. Thanks

Little Flame


The flame is dead and I still strike the tinder
I never meant to put it out
My biggest fear, a wildfire I couldn't control
I struck the tinder then I poured the water
It ran everflowing like a river
It stayed frigid and fixed as ice
I'll lay basking in this glory for eternity
I won't drink the poison that is brightness fading
So I put it out
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Old 05-06-2014, 01:08 PM   #2
doubtfulsalmon
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I think this would benefit from more personal elements to give this more emotional grounding, as it is I think your choice of metaphor is a little cliche and more importantly does not develop throughout. I'd like to see you really adding something with each line, and making the most of every word.

For example: "it stayed frigid and fixed as ice", ice already gives the impression of immobilisation so at least fixed is unnecessary, especially as I think there is room for more expansion (think slow moving glaciers).

Also as it stands I think there should be some physical space after "fixed as ice", the next line is a very separate idea in my mind. Consider not restricting yourself to end stopped lines, it makes this too choppy for talking about flames flowing rivers.

Hope this is useful.
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Old 05-07-2014, 01:29 AM   #3
culex-knight
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I agree with d'salmon, mostly.

I should mention that you should keep writing. You have the flame.
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Old 05-22-2014, 08:53 PM   #4
StreetLight3989
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Thank you for the feedback, I've been busy with school but I want to develop this poem more using the advice you guys gave me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by culex-knight
I agree with d'salmon, mostly.

I should mention that you should keep writing. You have the flame.

Thank you for this, writing has always been natural to me, it's something I focused on a lot in high school. This is the first piece I've written in two years though. I fell on some hard times in college and have been in a creative stupor for a while now. Writing has always been a passion of mine and your feedback is just further affirmation that I need to nurture it.
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Old 05-22-2014, 09:05 PM   #5
5wFisher
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short but interesting. good work!
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