Go Back   UG Community @ Ultimate-Guitar.Com > Music > Songwriting & Lyrics
User Name  
Password
Search:

Reply
Old 05-15-2014, 12:10 PM   #1
vintage x metal
Brown-Thighed Girl
 
vintage x metal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
a nervous system

what keep tension
in tension
and not
thrown into
momentum??



in my fantasies,
we move hand in
hand until our
hands
move
on
and
we
become
still...







if I can kiss you (mm..)
I will -

as for now, I will
stay still


and
hold you close
in our goodbyes
and steal your eyes
for our hellos
- talk for quite a while inside
and hope you laugh
at all my jokes,

and this goes on
and on
and
on
until I'm haunted by your ghost
(a ghost
of saliva&
beaded skin,
with all the same
controls)
(a ghost that follows your 'Good nights'
with the murmur of 'Hello')


.


.


.



hello.
__________________
GOODBYE BLUE MONDAY



he's baaack!
e-married to alaskan_ninja

Last edited by vintage x metal : 05-15-2014 at 03:14 PM.
vintage x metal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-15-2014, 05:43 PM   #2
21wickwing
wick2107
 
21wickwing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: USA
vintage, I love how you organize your poems so effectively. The structure of your verses really paces this well and adds to the quirky nature of the poem. Also the recurring usage of "hello" was a very nice touch and gave a whole new meaning to the word at the end. Thanks for sharing.
21wickwing is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-20-2014, 11:19 AM   #3
vintage x metal
Brown-Thighed Girl
 
vintage x metal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
glad you enjoyed, thank you for the crit
__________________
GOODBYE BLUE MONDAY



he's baaack!
e-married to alaskan_ninja
vintage x metal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-20-2014, 11:46 AM   #4
hippieboy444
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
i would remove the second ? at the end of the first stanza. this is just my personal preference, as i cannot dissociate it from text-speak (so to say).

otherwise, very solid work. sorry i dont have more to say critically, it opens and closes well and in between is carries itself gracefully. thanks for the read.
hippieboy444 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2014, 04:10 AM   #5
Eccer
Serial Lurker
 
Eccer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
I like how it's constructed, but otherwise I don't feel this as much, but you got yourself something personal here, obviously. I feel like shit for not commenting more around here. But know that I read everything that's coming through here :-)
Eccer is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:13 AM.

Forum Archives / About / Terms of Use / Advertise / Contact / Ultimate-Guitar.Com © 2014
Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.0.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.