Go Back   UG Community @ Ultimate-Guitar.Com > Music > Songwriting & Lyrics
User Name  
Password
Search:

Reply
Old 05-24-2014, 01:52 PM   #1
doubtfulsalmon
______________
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Monmouth

this eggshape feels
seven years underneath
my ex-whited, ex-retainered
teeth. it pokes like
brace wire and tastes of
dinner money

like my splitted lips.
i will not give it a loose change birth, i am
chewing its devil's toenails at the orthodontist.


i am incubating flakes of limestone
because they feel like my misshapen foundations.


i will lock my jaw in shale
to be a fossil.




i leak thickblack mineral words


and vitrify.
__________________
words words words
doubtfulsalmon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-25-2014, 11:59 AM   #2
Eccer
Serial Lurker
 
Eccer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
This feels like your older pieces but updated to some degree, gritty but imaginative. I enjoyed it, and there isn't much I'd change tbh. Not that I could think off, solid
Eccer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-25-2014, 12:15 PM   #3
hippieboy444
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
"ex-whited, ex-retainered" was the only part that felt too obvious or at odds with the dominant metaphor. i think this is a nice piece otherwise, quite solid.
hippieboy444 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-25-2014, 12:42 PM   #4
doubtfulsalmon
______________
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Thanks guys. I'm glad you think this is reminiscent of my older stuff, I'm planning on using this as lyrics and I really wanted something that represented where my writing comes from.

Those two words were written before I'd got much of an idea for the aesthetic, maybe I'll change them out.
__________________
words words words
doubtfulsalmon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-31-2014, 03:22 AM   #5
culex-knight
mon titre d'utilisateur
 
culex-knight's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: In the bucket at the end of time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hippieboy444
"ex-whited, ex-retainered" was the only part that felt too obvious or at odds with the dominant metaphor. i think this is a nice piece otherwise, quite solid.


I agree. But I still think there should be sharp words that "distract" at this point, I just don't think those words fit.
__________________
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching
culex-knight is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:10 AM.

Forum Archives / About / Terms of Use / Advertise / Contact / Ultimate-Guitar.Com © 2014
Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.0.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.