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Old 05-25-2014, 11:31 AM   #1
21wickwing's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: USA
The Canyons

My own your h h ea ea rt rt is p s o e e ve o r p r ve m a r a r n a h e t er h n i e. er t o e - n from -odi- rivers er- -ng skin cells of tears, carving valleys Two sets on our faces. When will the canyons be finished?
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Old 05-25-2014, 12:25 PM   #2
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Good experimentation! I enjoyed it, I would like to recommend a song to you which fits this theme really well,

not sure how I liked;
" -odi- rivers er- -ng skin cells"

But you saved it by placing the words apart I think... I like how you can derive multiple meanings from it by reading the stanzas downward or horizontally connected, at least that's what pieces like this are meant for imo. Keep it up!
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Old 05-25-2014, 12:55 PM   #3
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Absolutely bloody genius.

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Old 05-25-2014, 02:35 PM   #4
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this is really quite nice. my only gripe is the "my heart is over here / your's is over here". i't s a bit obvious for my taste and maybe having something to fit in with the theme of canyons/geology/erosion, etc would strengthen the piece.

overall, though, really great work. the ending, and especially the last line, are incredibly strong; they almost could stand alone (though that would ruin the aesthetic presentation of the piece).

thanks for the read.

Last edited by hippieboy444 : 05-25-2014 at 02:37 PM.
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Old 05-25-2014, 07:29 PM   #5
Aoh legend
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I'm usually not a huge fan of this kind of poetry that's posted here, but I thought this piece was really cool. Keep it up man.
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Old 05-31-2014, 03:19 AM   #6
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I don't know if the structure really does much for the piece, except maybe thinking about specific images independently. Interesting and still a good piece overall.

"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching
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