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Old 05-29-2014, 12:47 AM   #1
hippieboy444
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axis of symmetry of a conic

a short reach of my hand could knot us together,

two branches grown at complementary angles
enveloped by a canopy of sour membranes;

i hesitate: a slinted yellow
blinds me momentarily,
and then i am tumbling beneath
heavy waves::
the salt water tastes
so familiar.

we reach the shore,
more by accident than virtue:
two scaly hands of a forgotten clock,
greedy and realistic, drowsy
with memory;
as immiscible as iron and soil.

only a short distance between us
with time enough to spare,

but i hesitate.
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Old 05-29-2014, 11:49 AM   #2
vintage x metal
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I really like the premise of this, and I love the imagery. I think one way to really hit it home is to add a little more about the body. You have a nice base already, especially in setting up images through metaphor, but I think some more descriptors of the body in action to continue these metaphors (like the weight of yourself, the way you are knocked around at any given moment, an inhale, an exhale, or a lack theirof)
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Old 05-30-2014, 08:31 AM   #3
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I really enjoyed this, just wish it was longer. had more meat. Body as vintage said. Like the descriptiveness. The words put me there and that is a sign of really good writing.
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Old 06-01-2014, 06:40 PM   #4
hippieboy444
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added to this rather than taking away. i didn't like the second-to-last stanza. not sure if i have helped tie this up better or worse.

Quote:
a short reach of my hand could knot us together, -

two branches grown at complementary angles
enveloped by a canopy of sour membranes;

i hesitate: a slinted yellow
blinds me / momentarily,
and then i am tumbling under
heavy waves::

the salt water
tastes so familiar.

we reach the shore,
more by accident than virtue:
two scaly hands of a forgotten clock
greedy and realistic, drowsy
with memory;
as immiscible as iron and soil.

you turn a greasy palm towards me:
a sleight arc to your metacarpals
crested with wet nerves,
and lining the corridors of skin
i sense a pulse droning out
like a fire exit, a symbol
pointing towards a bright light,
a warm shine on skin;

but i hesitate.
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Old 06-02-2014, 11:01 AM   #5
vintage x metal
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yeah man, the second version is much more tactile and 'goosebump'-inciting
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Old 06-02-2014, 03:33 PM   #6
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thanks for your continued reading, i appreciate it. i still feel dissatisfied with this, but i'll let it sit for a while.
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Old 06-03-2014, 02:55 PM   #7
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Well, I'm enjoying this already mate, will read it a couple more times, see if I can come up with anything that's missing.
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Old 06-10-2014, 12:45 PM   #8
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I can properly feel you getting in the flow of images in that second version, it is a very enjoyable read.

My one little gripe is the double colon, it seems a touch out of place in this piece, it is such a subtle component that I'd expect it to be repeated to build upon it; it holds something of a different texture to the other such devices you used here. Just on it's own I'd expect a bolder device, but it is an interesting, organic quirk nonetheless.
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Old 06-10-2014, 06:44 PM   #9
hippieboy444
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im surprised you took notice of that. looking over, on first thought, i dont even know why i included it honestly. maybe i just liked the way it looked or something.

i think the lines "the salt water / tastes so familiar" is begging for punctuation too.
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Old 06-11-2014, 01:21 PM   #10
hippieboy444
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here is the latest revision ('knot' be cascaded closer together, couldn't fix the gap):
Code:
a short reach of my hand could k n o t us together, - two branches grown at complementary angles veiled in a canopy of sour membranes; i hesitate: a slinted yellow blinds me / momentarily: then i am tumbling under heavy waves: \ (the salt water tastes so familiar; )we reach the shore more by accident than virtue: two scaly hands of a forgotten clock, greedy and realistic, drowsy with memory as immiscible as iron and soil. you turn a plausible hand towards me: a sleight arc to your metacarpals crested with wet nerves. and lining the dark corridors of the palm, i sense a pulse droning out; like a fire exit, a biblical symbol, pointing towards a clean light, a warm shine on skin; but i / hesitate.


one thing i struggle with is adjectives. i tend to use too many instead of finding the right ones. here, i wonder about "sour membranes", "plausible hand", and "clean light". i'm wanting this to end darkly: a sort of twisted temptation, forbidden fruit type deal. but i'm not sure i'm there yet.
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Old 06-11-2014, 07:45 PM   #11
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Very interesting. It's like there's a kind of dark foreboding throughout the whole thing, to me it feels pretty dark throughout...love the way you've described it all!
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Old 06-16-2014, 08:50 PM   #12
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I personally liked the second re-write the best, although I really liked some of the formatting features you had in the third. I actually thought your adjective use was amazing here, especially how certain ones were used together in such close proximity. As vintage said, it gave goosebumps.

To your point though, picking and choosing descriptors is super tough. I'd just lend the advice that you also have the option to not even use an adjective at all, especially if the noun you're describing is unique enough in the first place. For example, with "sour membranes", I actually think the "sour" gets in the way of it. "Membranes" is such an interesting word choice but I don't typically feel like I need to know how the membrane tastes. Or, at least, I didn't think I needed to ask myself that question in the context of this piece. In that case, I'd just use "membranes" itself or describe how it feels or looks. I just think taste was the wrong thing to describe there.

Overall though I thought this was really good.
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