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Old 06-04-2014, 06:44 PM   #1
21wickwing
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Lemons

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(edited) Life doesn’t give you lemons; you need to plant them, water them, fertilize them, and ripen them yourself. -and sometimes it won’t work- Sometimes bugs will eat them, damn fruit flies. Sometimes the lemons just will not ripen. Sometimes the winter will destroy the tree, so try not to plant it in the north. Sometimes you may drunkenly stroll over to it and dig the tree out of the ground and throw it through the neighbor’s window because your wife had an affair with him and you felt like sending a “strong” –very alpha male- message, that ultimately backfired as you got sued for vandalism… and then lost all the rest of your money through divorce. Maybe that one is just me. So go ahead and plant your lemon tree. You may be surprised by what you use it for.

Last edited by 21wickwing : 06-05-2014 at 12:20 AM.
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Old 06-04-2014, 10:25 PM   #2
hippieboy444
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i have two gripes, one big, one small. small one is that the line "Sometimes, you may have forgotten to fertilize it" is really weak following the ingenuity of the preceeding lines. it doesn't feel deserving of the ending of a stanza either. i think you could come up with something better.

for the big one, i find the metaphor too direct and obvious. the ending is the main reason i feel this way. you could've made some new revelation, put the metaphor in a new light and make it really impactful and interesting. right now, i saw the way this was ending early on. i think this is what makes the piece weakest: too obvious. i would love to see the ending take the cliche and twist it into something different and poignant.

still, your words and phrases are great. you're making good progress; your recent pieces have had tactful and interesting architecture overall. nice read here, thanks.
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Old 06-05-2014, 12:09 AM   #3
21wickwing
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Thanks, I knew this needed work and wanted to get some feedback and you hit the nails on the head!

I edited it and would appreciate your thoughts on the new version.

Last edited by 21wickwing : 06-05-2014 at 12:21 AM.
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Old 06-05-2014, 09:22 AM   #4
mr.retard
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i didn't get to see the first version but i like this version.

the metaphor may be a little obvious like hippieboy said but it takes a nice unexpected turn with the whole digging it up and throwing it through neighbor's window. i also like the ending.

thanks for sharing and any chance i could see the first version?
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Old 06-05-2014, 10:06 AM   #5
21wickwing
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mr.******
i didn't get to see the first version but i like this version.

the metaphor may be a little obvious like hippieboy said but it takes a nice unexpected turn with the whole digging it up and throwing it through neighbor's window. i also like the ending.

thanks for sharing and any chance i could see the first version?


Sure, here is the first version:

Code:
Life doesn’t give you lemons; you need to plant them, water them, fertilize them, and ripen them yourself. -and sometimes it won’t work- Sometimes bugs will eat them, damn fruit flies. Sometimes the lemon just will not ripen. Sometimes the winter will destroy the tree, so try not to plant it in the north. Sometimes, you may have forgotten to fertilize it. So go ahead and plant your lemon tree. It will be worth it when you drink that first fine glass of home-made lemonade.
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