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Old 10-14-2006, 07:03 PM   #1
Jammydude44
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Don't Read this Unless you Live in Manchester

Ha, wow, I really got into this piece. I hope my last thread dies down so I don't have 2 up on the front page, I'd feel greedy hehe

Hope you get what I'm talking about here. I know alot of you won't.

Critique for critique.

enjoy


Like a red devils fan we all know that
You're nothing but a glory-hunting,
Middle-finger raising cock;
Scum of the earth,
Lost in a yob's ocean.

Sucked into a sulphured surrounding,
The stench of sweat and young men
All washed together with your burgers,
And prawn sandwiches that we all hear
About, even though you've never even
Ventured north of the border, not once.

You're a fake fucker, a blind imitator
With no sense of individuality or the like;
A copyless copy of a family who's just
Going to screw you over and spit you out,
Unless you keep up with those weekly payments.

And all that blood, sweat and toil, for what?
A sodding one nil defeat to some shity side
Who don't deserve the stupid sky-high wages
Those bastards from outside of Manchester earn.

And I'm angry, I'm flustered, not myself;
It's how a true supporter feels when their team loses
And can't buy their way out of trouble.
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Old 10-14-2006, 07:05 PM   #2
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get rid of the ****'s please... like the asterisk's, not the words.
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Old 10-14-2006, 07:06 PM   #3
Jammydude44
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Yeah I did, my mistake

Jamie
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Old 10-14-2006, 08:36 PM   #4
_propaganda
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I'm from Bradford so i'll class that as close enough.
Unfortunately not into football.
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Old 10-14-2006, 09:27 PM   #5
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im not from manchester, but im from london and i understand this piece.(theres more reds fans in london than in manchester itself: fact (probably))

i love it. the agression of the yobs against the prawn sandwich fans (that line made me think of arsenal for some reason) sums up the point about the phonys nicely.


Its a bit esoteric, because of the imageary and content, but i really like this. its not anything exceptional, but it has character and a well thought out message so big up.

one crit i do have, is that the 3rd stanza seems a little bit too trainspotting/human traffic rant. it fits with the working class thing, but.....

maybe it needs a terrace chant flow, lol


nice one

peace out
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Last edited by FunkasPuck : 10-14-2006 at 09:30 PM.
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Old 10-14-2006, 10:49 PM   #6
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well i'm not close at all, hell i live in alabama but i notice this peice had alot of anger and it was focused on multiple things, that's what really stood out to me! i liked your choice of words they were different from the commons people would use to mimic this subject!
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Old 10-14-2006, 11:04 PM   #7
themarsvolta
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Well, I am an ocean away from Manchester. Nevertheless, I still enjoyed reading this piece. I wasn't really a big fan of the lack of rhyming in it, but that's just a personal preference. The flow was good, but the wording was where it really shined. It was just so full of anger and raw emotion to the point of being over the top at times. And I loved it. Well, this piece isn't going to change the world, but it was pretty damn good.

Crit mine please

Apotheosis
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Old 10-15-2006, 04:35 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jammydude44
Ha, wow, I really got into this piece. I hope my last thread dies down so I don't have 2 up on the front page, I'd feel greedy hehe

Hope you get what I'm talking about here. I know alot of you won't.

Critique for critique.

enjoy


Like a red devils fan we all know that
You're nothing but a glory-hunting,
Middle-finger raising cock;
Scum of the earth,
Lost in a yob's ocean.

Sucked into a sulphured surrounding,
The stench of sweat and young men
All washed together with your burgers,
And prawn sandwiches that we all hear
About, even though you've never even
Ventured north of the border, not once.
Yada yada yada, yeah yeah yeah, love these two stanzas....
You're a fake fucker, a blind imitator
With no sense of individuality or the like;
A copyless copy of a family who's just Copyless copy? Change it immediately - it sounds horrible.
Going to screw you over and spit you out,
Unless you keep up with those weekly payments.
Now, the ending on this one is... well... crap to be honest. After building up the anger so effing well, you end it with a rather tame "unless you keep up with those payments". I can just imagine a banker in a suit and glasses saying that, quite afraid of if you're going to hit him for saying that. What i mean is, i really don't get a sense of the anger from this last line, and unfortunately that renders this whole stanza relatively useless compared to the last two, which were bloody brilliant.
And all that blood, sweat and toil, for what?
A sodding one nil defeat to some shity side Didn't like these two lines at all. They really need rephrasing.
Who don't deserve the stupid sky-high wages Hate the word stupid Reword again i think. You can make it so much more witty than that.
Those bastards from outside of Manchester earn.
Dissapointment with this stanza
And I'm angry, I'm flustered, not myself;
It's how a true supporter feels when their team loses
And can't buy their way out of trouble.
Awful last line again! Use the wit! Again, you were building up to something for the end but you didn't deliver.


After reading the excellent first two stanzas, i was tremendously dissapointed. There was just no wit in there at all. Some bits didn't read well at all either.

So in the end, i was dissapointed, like i say. However, just change those last three stanzas to match the first two and you should be fine.

[There, nice tough crit for you ]
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Old 10-15-2006, 05:50 AM   #9
Jammydude44
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Thanks all of you for your words.

Caz- the ending. It's actually a love poem, hehe. That last stanza should be fairly easy to link to a love-triangle scenario, hopefully. think of the "bigger boys" from my last piece. cheers for the crit

I'll try and return all in due course.

Jamie
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Old 10-15-2006, 12:03 PM   #10
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I don't live in Manchester.

So I can't read it.

Sorry...
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Old 10-15-2006, 04:14 PM   #11
Jammydude44
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^^ Weak excuse, especially as you didn't get back to my last one like you said you would.

One day, maybe.

Jamie
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Old 10-16-2006, 04:51 PM   #12
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I twigged on what you're gettin at immediately, I know what you're talking about for sure, but haven't most of those fans buggered off to Chelsea now?
It's not too bad, I know what you're talking about, being a football fan, but for most people I'm not sure they'd understnad all the references.
The difficulty of writing a good football song in this style (as opposed to a chant at the ground) is quite high and while you've done a reasonable job of it, I can't rate this as highly as I would like. Also (I can see this already being a point we may argue over for some time to come :P) I really would like to see some sort of rhyming pattern. Having said that the emotion almost radiates from this song and that is something I really, really like.
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Old 10-17-2006, 11:31 AM   #13
Jammydude44
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Thanks.

This isn't a song, it's more just prose/poetry or whatever- to me it's just writing.

As it's not a song I don't really have a rhyme scheme, so that would be my comeback there :P


Thanks mucho.

Jamie
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