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Old 01-30-2006, 07:37 PM   #1
mr_clapton
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Guitar hero story thread

Ok people i got this idea from hearing all these made up random stories about different players (mostly yngwie) that are usually really funny.
you can use as many different players as you want and just write a short story on what they do, and give it a title for e.g Yngwie's first day of school or something, because we need some literature in this forum damnit so that it can be renounced across the land that we in the shred forum know how to read and write!
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Just shout really loud...

"Mother where is the carving knife i want to put my HAPPY face on!"
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Old 01-30-2006, 08:06 PM   #2
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On a cold grim November night in San Fransico, Yngwie was walking through "Tha West Side." There were car jackings and muggings going on everywhere. Yngwie's carrying his guitar, but not in a case, just because he's XtrEmE XcoRe like that. A black man named G Gefforey Good Glock runs by and jacks his axe. Yngwie, in a fit of rage, dashes over, grabs his axe, and plugs it into his Marshall Half Stack he has on his belt. He then proceeds to UNLEASH THE FOCKING FURY!!@##$! In the process, everything in the neighborhood falls to shambles and all the ghetto hoochies bow down and worship his awesomeness, until one offers him a donut. He then bites her head off, and sticks his strat down what used to be her throat. He then rips it out, and continues his focking fury, despite the fact that it only has one string, the B. He then throws all of his gear out in the street, where crack heads and bums quickly rush to kife it. He storms off, on the way having sex with every woman he sees, just because he's Yngwie Fucking Malmsteen.
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Old 01-30-2006, 08:52 PM   #3
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yeah thats what i am talking about keep em coming
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"Mother where is the carving knife i want to put my HAPPY face on!"
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Old 01-30-2006, 09:08 PM   #4
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I am writing this to you from the future, and although you dont know yet how you got this letter, It'll all become clear to you in time. I cannot explain the mysteries of the space time continuem, for if i began to even try, all the blood would rush to my head, causing a brain tumor the size of Georgia, which in my time has fused with arkansas, and bought a thin strip of land across tenessee to connect this new state, called "Oboe", the straight, naturally, is called Jello. Thats something you more primitive readers wont get, although undoubtly all of you are primitive to me, as my time is much technically superior to yours. Did you know we now have Mainstream Movies that dont suck? Also we've developed cars that dont ruin the environment, and dont cater to pussy's or to patriotic rednecks. And I'll give you one word of warning, dont use ipods, seriously, they cause cancer.

Anyways, you may be wondering why I am writing this to you, for you technological cave dwellers are probably this going, "LOL! Wut ckind of bs iz tehhi s anywz?", but Im abuot to address that. My name is Captain John Lewis Montgomery of the 51st army regiment, circa 2076, and im going to try and persuade you in a manner of speaking. For something terrible happened to my utopia of a world, something beyond your imagination, and most likely your control. However, we must grab onto what little shred of hope we have, and milk it like Axl Rose and Press hype.

In my time, not long ago actually, about 3 years prior, life was perfect, everything of the old world was gone, but then something happened. We dont exactly know how, but ill give you background so you can comprehend.

Obviously, you all know yngwie malmsteen. He was born a arrogent swede, and... well.. died an arragont swede, but with a large fan base of arragont guitar players, The day he died, collectively, the world seem to move a little slower. Blues fans threw a festival in celebration, but only Keith Richards attended, he;s the last survivor of the great blues fad of the 20th century. They want to put him in a museum i heard, hes not too keen on the idea, but hell give in, i mean, they offered free heroin.

But anyways, Yngwie was buried in a sarcophogaus and cast deep into the red sea, for all eternity, so his soul could swim with the last of his viking kins restless spirits. The world was at peace, until 3 years ago, on Dec. 7th, a day that will go down in infamy (i wonder if anyone will even get that joke), It happened. Somehow, a foolish man ressurected yngwies spirit by playing Far beyond the sun, perfectly, to a backing, in a local guitar center. See, it was rumored if you played it perfectly, yngwie would rise again, of course noone in teh history of mankind has, except for rusty cooley, but he lost his hands in the gardening accident of 63. Everyone just wanks on it, but this man had it down, he had it perfect, he did it completely out of spite, and wouldnt let anyone hear it, for he knew he'd simply get his ass kissed by n00bs. This man had an odd avator and likes to trash talk anyone relatively famous in the guitar world... anyways.

Yngwie was back, like a rising force, his ressurection was at hand, the seventh sign had come true and the moon was eclipsed, Yngwie and his army of vikings were marching out, to unleash the fockin fury (i had to say it once). We fought him long and hard, but his great might and power, not to mention hilarious accent, fought us off, Now our ships were burned, and the moon, like a black star, hung in the sky, far beyond the sun. (now im just milkin it really). Yngwie grew large with power, but luckily, tennis and his refusal to eat pastry treats of any kind kept his size from becoming too overpowering. Now we live under a fascist regime of his, he basically is rulilng the world, and since he is but a spirit, we cannot fight him with earthly weapons, we need a demon driver, and the last one was sent off to krakatau to die, his name was Herman Li. With a little luck, hermans spirit will go on to fight yngwie, but we cannot be sure, i implore your help, i need it, i call for it. Dont let this happen. Find the man who started this! find this master player! and DESTROY HIM NOW!

Anyways, i hope you all don't take this for granted, this is very important. It's been nice speaking to you, but now i must bid you farewell. Good luck, and godspeed. I may live in a utopian society of technological advancements you will never be able to dream of, but i dont spell check. **** you.




anyone who reads that gets a cookie
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Old 01-30-2006, 09:10 PM   #5
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The Day Chuck Norris met Yngwie...

One time as a boy, Chuck Norris tried to steal Yngwies strat.


Yngwie fucked him up.

The End
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Old 01-30-2006, 09:11 PM   #6
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^i like yours.
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Old 01-30-2006, 09:17 PM   #7
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i read it pookoo... and by the way for anyone else writing stories they dont have to be about yngwie it could be like the day satch lost his hair or why steve vai sucks his cheeks in something like that could involve anyone at all even....wait for it....



















THE GREAT KAT
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"Mother where is the carving knife i want to put my HAPPY face on!"
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Old 01-30-2006, 09:20 PM   #8
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oh i know, but i looooove writing about yngwie.

btw, you get a cookie, but im currently at war with google images, so use your imagination
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Old 01-30-2006, 09:22 PM   #9
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i want one of the cookie monsters cookies you know he has the best ones cuase he is always eating them
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"Mother where is the carving knife i want to put my HAPPY face on!"
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Old 01-30-2006, 09:26 PM   #10
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One day Satch was playing guitar. HE then saw Steve Vai naked, with his wife. He then became bald.


The ENd



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Old 01-30-2006, 09:27 PM   #11
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WE CAN'T LET THIS THREAD DIE! IT IS TEH PWN!
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Old 01-30-2006, 09:38 PM   #12
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this one time, this kid was trying to sweep, and he played so bad that jason becker roused himself from paralysis in order to punt the child.




I suck at sweeping
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Old 01-30-2006, 10:00 PM   #13
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Once upon a time, there was a kid who thought he was hot shit. He could play every Metallica song on command.

Kids/Posers at his school =



The kid took a vacation and went to Houston. He saw a poster of this guy "Rusty Cooley." He's like, "Wel, wHosE thiS FAGet?? I BEat I cuOD ShoW HimE up on GuieTrA!!'"

He heads to his house, and knocks on his door. He's like, "So Risty Kolley!!! Doo u WanT to Liek DooEL!??" Rusy obliges, and tells him to kick things off.

So the kid plays St Anger FLAWLESSLY (the whole album of course!!) and says, "So Bietch! Betchu caintt bet taht!!!"

Rusty backs up, and grabs his guitar. The kid is standing there, and says "If u dnot go withIen 1 MIneut, I aTimitecelyy winn. It' Liek teh ruelszorz!"

Rusty stares at the kid for about 30 seconds, and bursts out laughing.

The kid, still waiting, looks somewhat like this:



Rusty, still laughing, plays a full 784592 notes in approximately 15.78 seconds. He points at the kid and laughs Hard X Core.


The kid, realizing he has just been pwned comepletely, now looks like this:





Teh End
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I figured you were going to sig that. And this if you have any sense of humor what so ever.


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Last edited by apocalypse13 : 01-30-2006 at 11:03 PM.
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Old 01-30-2006, 10:30 PM   #14
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is the first picture a guy or a girl?

because if its a guy, he has pretty sexy legs O_o
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Old 01-30-2006, 11:02 PM   #15
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Guy, I think.

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Yeah listen to Apoc. He knows what he's talking about.


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Originally Posted by hepzibahbaptist
I figured you were going to sig that. And this if you have any sense of humor what so ever.


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Old 01-30-2006, 11:25 PM   #16
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*shudders*

<:0
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Old 01-30-2006, 11:32 PM   #17
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rofl this thread kicks ass
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Yeah listen to Apoc. He knows what he's talking about.


Quote:
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I figured you were going to sig that. And this if you have any sense of humor what so ever.


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Old 01-31-2006, 12:21 AM   #18
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PRESENTING: YNGWIE J. MALMSTEEN VS THE GREAT KAT

ON PAY-PER-VIEW

Yngwie Malmsteen rose out of bed on a cold November morning. He quickly sprung into his daily routine, he got changed out of his pajamas which had little pictures of his own face spread all over them into his favourite pair of tight leather pants and silky black shirt. Yngwie then stared at himself in the mirror for about half an hour before deciding he was very hungry. He walked out into his gigantic, candle lit, medievil eating room. Just as yngwie began pouring his special prescription strat shaped cheery-o's there was a knock at his door. Yngwie got up pounding the table yelling "I TOLD YOU FOCKING DONUT KING, I DONT LIKE FOCKING DONUTS" walking towards the door he picked up his favourite cream stratocaster and was preparing to shred in E harmonic minor all of a sudden............................................ ........a giant donut with pink icing and rainbow sprinkles walked in and slapped yngwie in the face, it then proceeded to run away giggling like a little school girl. Yngwie was mad he needed to unleash his focking fury. So he said in his swedish accent " I am going to turn on my TV and the first person i see i will unleash the focking fury on them." He played the intro to the 5th caprice and the TV came on, it was an interview with the Great Kat. " I AM THE REINCARNATION OF BEETHOVEN!" she began yelling
"What do you think of yngwie malmsteen?" a reporter asked
"WHO THE **** IS YNGWIE MALMSTEEN?"
this was all yngwie could take, he jumped on top of his stratocaster and flew into the sky, he flew far beyond the sun and began playing beethovens 5th symphony so that the whole world could hear it, all of a sudden a giant screeching came back at yngwie and.....


ah stuff it someone finish my story try and make it good because you are gonna need to be good to make that look good....
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Old 01-31-2006, 08:32 AM   #19
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One sunny day, Yngwie was shredding while standing in the middle of Interstate 93 when suddenly a semi came barreling down the road at him. All of a sudden the semi transformed into Optimus Prime, and he had a pan of fresh-baked donuts! Having forseen this event 2 days ago, Yngwie was prepared. He unleashed the focking fury and plucked the high E string on the 20th fret on his Stratocaster and produced such an incredible vibrato with it that the resulting shockwave sent Optimus Prime and his donuts careening through the air and into Tokyo where he landed on and crushed the b*tch who had dumped water on Yngwie a week before. After yelling in the general direction of Tokyo "I said I don't focking like donuts!!", Yngwie resume shredding in the middle of nowhere.

The End
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Old 01-31-2006, 12:59 PM   #20
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aah this thread should be stickied
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Old 01-31-2006, 01:41 PM   #21
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Definitely has to be Archived!!!
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Old 01-31-2006, 02:13 PM   #22
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I wonder if we can make a request.

This has to be the shred forum at it's finest.

We must get it stickied.
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I figured you were going to sig that. And this if you have any sense of humor what so ever.


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Old 01-31-2006, 02:34 PM   #23
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yes, lets start a petition! or whatever its called.
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Old 01-31-2006, 02:35 PM   #24
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^I concur
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Old 01-31-2006, 02:41 PM   #25
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This has to be the shred forum at it's finest.


sad, but probably true
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Old 01-31-2006, 02:57 PM   #26
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It can't beat the Pit's lowest moment:


Scrunched or Folded?






Anyway, I vote in favor to get this thread stickied, and/or archived. If I had to choose between the two, I'd vote Sticky It.
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Originally Posted by hepzibahbaptist
I figured you were going to sig that. And this if you have any sense of humor what so ever.


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Old 01-31-2006, 03:25 PM   #27
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i vote sticky.
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Old 01-31-2006, 04:06 PM   #28
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This is getting a bit too pitty for me
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Old 01-31-2006, 04:32 PM   #29
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Come on guys- don't you realise that this thread is becoming less and less stickiable, due to the fact that it is now 90% made up of people going, 'oMg, this threAdz teh pwn!!!1 sticky it!!'
Those stories are pretty funny though. And for some reason they always seem funnier when they're about yngwie.
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Old 01-31-2006, 04:52 PM   #30
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Let's make another thread for the petition.
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I figured you were going to sig that. And this if you have any sense of humor what so ever.


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Old 01-31-2006, 04:52 PM   #31
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Everything becomes funnier when a fat person is involved
(yes i know that hes become skinnier but in my eyes he will always be the fat swedish unleash the f0cking fury guy)
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Old 01-31-2006, 04:53 PM   #32
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that doesn't like donuts
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Originally Posted by hepzibahbaptist
I figured you were going to sig that. And this if you have any sense of humor what so ever.


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Old 01-31-2006, 07:09 PM   #33
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^Yes! You can't forget the donuts!
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Lolz

/ultimatesin = genius]

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Old 01-31-2006, 07:56 PM   #34
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Satch is really a secret martial arts expert who defends the world from villians.
He was once in a bowling arena, when a godlike super villian pitted his life against the wager that satch couldn't get a strike by rolling his head into the pins, he shaved off his hair and threw his head, causing a strike and destroying the super villian, although the world was saved, his hair never regrew....to this day satch despises bowling.
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Old 01-31-2006, 08:01 PM   #35
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ok i have a new idea since we are all having a bit of trouble writing them, lets all write a joint story like, make a plot first and work from there, so anyone got any ideas for the basis of this story
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Old 01-31-2006, 08:25 PM   #36
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In the previous edition of "The Furious Adventures of Yngwie J. Malmsteen," our hero devastated the ghettos of San Fransisco when he "unleashed the focking Fury" on some unlucky foe who tried to jack his axe.

Yngwie Malmsteen was sitting in his living room jamming on his 526 halfstacks (full volume of course) while watching CNN. A story came on about a new guitar virtuoso.

Reporter: This just in, an amazing new shredder virtuoso has just stormed into our office and is currently playing so blindingly fast that we literally cannot contemplate the actual speed. Experts say it is close to 124 nps, but we truly don't know. Perhaps the greatest surprise of all? It's a female.

Yngwie, infuriated, gets up, hops in his helicopter, and flies to the headquarters. He storms in the building. Security guards try to stop him, but he simply unleashes the focking Fury on his guitar, and even when it isn't plugged into an amp, it's plenty enough to knock them 30+ feet back. He goes to get on the elevator, when a security guard makes a feeble attempt to soothe him by offering him a donut. This angers Malmsteen to no end and he puts his head in the elevator doors, and slams them shut, chopping his head off. He screams, "I DON'T LIKE FUKIN DONUTS!!!!"

He then rides all the way up to the top floor, and gets off. Once he exits, he takes a sharp turn left. He heads all the way down to the room marked, "Main Office." He steps in, and is instantly blinded by the sight of The Great Kat having sex with the manager. In his state of temporary blindness, he trips over a water machine, the jug of ice cold water spilling all over him. He becomes EXTREMELY pissed.

He stands up, and screams, "YOU'VE UNLEASHED THE FOCKING FURY BITCH!!!" He pulls out his axe, pulls two half stacks out of his ruffled shirt and plays "Faster Than the Speed of Light" at 3x speed. He then rushes in to the room, still partially blinded, and reams the Kat in the head with his guitar so hard that she looks uglier afterwards. She grabs her V, and plays a Paganini song sloppily, and says "That was my song Doom Hating Kitty." Yngwie rips his strings off and strangles her with the high E. He pulls so hard, he slices through her neck comepletely, but then gets it stuck in her hair. Since she never uses any brain cells anyway, she is still able to survive when beheaded. She turns, and flashes Yngwie. His retinas are burned off, and his eyes dry up like prunes. He does the only thing his instincts tell him to, and he attempts to unleash the Fury. To his dismay, he has already ripped his strings off. But, the mere speed and force of his fingers hitting the bare fretboard are enough to cause gigantic shockwaves. The wave of energy sweeps Kat off of her feet, and throws her out of the building. The hole she causes in the window creates a pressure change, causing the building to implode. Yngwie quickly jumps out and uses his signiature shirt as a parachute. He lands safely on the ground, and hops in his helicopter to head home.

So, in this episode, our hero's Fury extends to The Great Kat. But, did he truly destroy her, or did she fake her death in a master plot to dominate the world of virtuosos? Find out in the next edition of "THE FURIOUS ADVENTURES OF YNGWIE J. MALMSTEEN."

*Dramatic Arcade Music Plays*
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Last edited by apocalypse13 : 01-31-2006 at 08:29 PM.
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Old 01-31-2006, 09:49 PM   #37
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The Chronicles of Vai, Steve Vai.

Once upon a time, Vai was sitting on his leopord skin couch sipping wine and wearing his usual frilly and sissy flowerly shirts practicing his wierd faces, pursing his lips when suddenly the "Close-minded-elitist bastard" alarm went off. Being suddenly taken out of his concentration he bit his tounge and cursed the damn noobs. He ran over to his super-duper-talking-computer and checked for the location of the noob. It was right in the middle of New York. Steve Vai went into his meditation mode stroking the neck of his guitar and tapping the strings. Suddenly he dissappeared and went into another dimension!

The teleportation dimension! He started flying through the colorful vortex on his signature JEM and was playing Building the Churchs intro to increase the speed beacuse he had to beat the CR-noob-fan for bashing shred all that it stood for! He continued to fly at light speed till reaching the CR-noobs house!

He then flew out of a break in time and appeared right before the noobs eyes! The noobs was wearing a GnR shirt and a "I love boring pentatonic solos!" hat staring in wonder at steve vai's girly shirt.

He then said "R0flz l0l3z wh0 t3h fUc3z 4r3 Uez!!"

Steve Vai was surprised at the strength of this noobs noobiness! It was unbearable! He couldn't fight him without help! He then took out the magic seashell horn and blew into it! There was a rumbling sound and then suddenly Satch flying light a bullet headfirst with his bald head flew through the wall and slammed into the noob!

The noob in a fury laid out even more ridiculous noob talks "L0l3z s4tchez! Y0uez c4n't d3f34t m3!" He then procedded to ramble on on how Slash was better then any other guitarist in the world and that shred = no emotion at all ever.

Satch couldn't handle it since his bald head had weakened due to the lack of hair over the years, his head exploded. RIP Satch.

Vai in a fury decided to take them both into the vortex of the...OTHER DIMENSION! Where he could easily defeat this foe!

By playing the intro to Erotic Nightmares the portal opened up and sucked them both in. Then Vai played a perfect FTLOG and said "For the Love of God noob...DIE!!" and he shot lightning bolts out of his Jem and killed the stupid noob.



Caption: Picture of Steve Vai owning the noob with lightning bolts from the special "curve Jem"
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Old 01-31-2006, 09:56 PM   #38
mr_clapton
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wow....just wow
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Old 01-31-2006, 10:05 PM   #39
apocalypse13
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LMFAO

That story, plain and simple, cracked me up.
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Old 01-31-2006, 10:12 PM   #40
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That...was...amazing...
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Lolz

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