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Old 02-06-2007, 07:58 PM   #1
tsp
el diego
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, UK
fireworks

Fireworks

Iíll try to look before I leap
Next time, next time
Next time thereíll be
A secret I canít keep
And the thought of all the pounding
Has got me already losing sleep

So please
Before I go on
Tell me what the fcuk you want
Iím tired of playing
With stick and stones
You really think theyíll break your bones?
If you do, then youíre more stupid sir
Than I ever could imagine

So dance around her pageant
And show the happy faces
Your on form, youíre at the races
That you mean business
For this beauty queen
(Weíre only fcuking seventeen!)

Because now I just donít care
Have her; Iíll be fair
I actually donít care
I honestly donít careÖ

Iíll try to cry before I leave
Will I? Wonít I?
I wonít because
Iím hardly deep
One more, two more
Yeah the sound of all that pounding
Makes me wish I was asleep

So please
Before I go home
Disengage your metronome
Consistency
Is killing me
This isnít a duopoly
You are more disillusioned sir
That I ever could imagine

So dance around her pageant
And show the happy faces
Your on form, youíre at the races
That you mean business
For this beauty queen
(Weíre only fcuking seventeen!)

Because now I just donít care
Have her; Iíll be fair
I actually donít care
I honestly donít careÖ
Walk away, I donít care

Youíve walked away.
Ha! I donít care?
The truth is something
Of which youíre not awareÖ
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Old 02-06-2007, 08:08 PM   #2
inthegreyx
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Join Date: Dec 2006
i like that alot, but it would be better if you use differant words, maybe changed some of the lines
i dont quite get this verse : 'So dance around her pageant
And show the happy faces
Your on form, youíre at the races
That you mean business
For this beauty queen
(Weíre only fcuking seventeen!)'

lines three and four dont really... make sense?
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Old 02-07-2007, 05:47 AM   #3
tsp
el diego
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, UK
thanks man

by 'at the races' i mean the guy is 'doing well'

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Old 02-07-2007, 09:24 AM   #4
axe395
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This is great, i like your word choice and it had a good flow, well yeah, keep it up!
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Old 02-07-2007, 08:32 PM   #5
tsp
el diego
 
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Location: Glasgow, Scotland, UK
thanks man. i've wored hard on giving it a nice flow, so its good to hear that!
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Old 02-07-2007, 08:34 PM   #6
axe395
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Thats good, because some people dont work on their flow, they expect other people to create a flow, but yeah it was good.
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Old 02-07-2007, 08:48 PM   #7
sjada
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Location: New Hampshire
pretty good, the flow and sound seem pretty perfect to me. the only part i really didnt like was the whole "you are more dilusioned sir" part, i really didnt seem to fit well to me. other than that it sounds like it would make a good song, the lyrics could definitly be improved but for the purpose of a song theyre good.
if you could crit mine (in my sig) its kind of a poem, if you wouldnt mind anyway. thanks
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Old 02-08-2007, 09:05 PM   #8
tsp
el diego
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, UK
thanks man

the whole 'sir' thing is supposed to portray the narrator as a sort of techer like figure, rising above all the immaturity, (as he see's it) and then that attitude is supposed to be proved to be false, witht eh word choice towards the end
yeah..dunno if it works though

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Old 02-08-2007, 09:20 PM   #9
Sanjezz
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Location: Canada
Nice, I like it. It had a really nice "flow", and the rhymes were right on.
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Old 02-10-2007, 02:05 PM   #10
tsp
el diego
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, UK
thanks man. it good to ehar that the rhymes can eb appreciated to!
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