tsp

Fireworks

I’ll try to look before I leap
Next time, next time
Next time there’ll be
A secret I can’t keep
And the thought of all the pounding
Has got me already losing sleep

So please
Before I go on
Tell me what the fcuk you want
I’m tired of playing
With stick and stones
You really think they’ll break your bones?
If you do, then you’re more stupid sir
Than I ever could imagine

So dance around her pageant
And show the happy faces
Your on form, you’re at the races
That you mean business
For this beauty queen
(We’re only fcuking seventeen!)

Because now I just don’t care
Have her; I’ll be fair
I actually don’t care
I honestly don’t care…

I’ll try to cry before I leave
Will I? Won’t I?
I won’t because
I’m hardly deep
One more, two more
Yeah the sound of all that pounding
Makes me wish I was asleep

So please
Before I go home
Disengage your metronome
Consistency
Is killing me
This isn’t a duopoly
You are more disillusioned sir
That I ever could imagine

So dance around her pageant
And show the happy faces
Your on form, you’re at the races
That you mean business
For this beauty queen
(We’re only fcuking seventeen!)

Because now I just don’t care
Have her; I’ll be fair
I actually don’t care
I honestly don’t care…
Walk away, I don’t care

You’ve walked away.
Ha! I don’t care?
The truth is something
Of which you’re not aware…

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inthegreyx

i like that alot, but it would be better if you use differant words, maybe changed some of the lines
i dont quite get this verse : 'So dance around her pageant
And show the happy faces
Your on form, you’re at the races
That you mean business
For this beauty queen
(We’re only fcuking seventeen!)'

lines three and four dont really... make sense?

tsp

thanks man

by 'at the races' i mean the guy is 'doing well'

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axe395

This is great, i like your word choice and it had a good flow, well yeah, keep it up!

tsp

thanks man. i've wored hard on giving it a nice flow, so its good to hear that!

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axe395

Thats good, because some people dont work on their flow, they expect other people to create a flow, but yeah it was good.

sjada

pretty good, the flow and sound seem pretty perfect to me. the only part i really didnt like was the whole "you are more dilusioned sir" part, i really didnt seem to fit well to me. other than that it sounds like it would make a good song, the lyrics could definitly be improved but for the purpose of a song theyre good.
if you could crit mine (in my sig) its kind of a poem, if you wouldnt mind anyway. thanks

tsp

thanks man

the whole 'sir' thing is supposed to portray the narrator as a sort of techer like figure, rising above all the immaturity, (as he see's it) and then that attitude is supposed to be proved to be false, witht eh word choice towards the end
yeah..dunno if it works though

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Sanjezz

Nice, I like it. It had a really nice "flow", and the rhymes were right on.