Go Back   UG Community @ Ultimate-Guitar.Com > Music > Songwriting & Lyrics
User Name  
Password
Search:

Reply
Old 05-16-2007, 12:57 AM   #1
NGD1313
left & leaving
 
NGD1313's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
My Run As the King of Humanity

Yeah, honestly, I don't even know why I write this stuff. Tell me if you like it, why if you don't, so on...so forth. C4C of course.


My Run As the King of Humanity.
Last week,
I wore a sign that said,
"Ashtray"
Believe it or not, people put their cigarettes out on me

On Monday,
I wore a sign that said,
"Hobo"
And, you guessed it, people threw their change at me

Yesterday,
I wore a sign that said,
"Savior"
And, people called me a fake.

Even though I showed them the wounds of a martyr
And the spoils of a king.

Everyone's a skeptic.
NGD1313 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2007, 01:06 AM   #2
Andzee
Registered User
 
Andzee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Birmingham, UK
Is it a poem or song your aiming at?

I enjoyed the piece, just if its song your aiming for, then i don't know but lines like "believe it or not" don't seem to fit in as well.

really good piece though.
__________________
And Like That. He was Gone.

My Lyrics

Love
Andzee is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2007, 01:08 AM   #3
NGD1313
left & leaving
 
NGD1313's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
It's a poem.

Definitely a poem.

Edit:

The term "poem" is used loosely.

Last edited by NGD1313 : 05-16-2007 at 01:31 AM.
NGD1313 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2007, 01:15 AM   #4
culex-knight
mon titre d'utilisateur
 
culex-knight's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: In the bucket at the end of time.
On the third stanza, I would change the last line to fit with the other stanzas. Something like, "People called me a fake, go figure." Not that, necessarily, just, having two "And, la da da..", and then the third one being different than the other two, I just think it would be much better.

Other than that I thought this was gold.
__________________
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching
culex-knight is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2007, 01:30 AM   #5
themarsvolta
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Illinois
First of all, the title was pretty cool, so you got my attention right of the bat. I really like the tone of this piece and the way it was structured. It didn't really think of it was a poem, but more of an oral thing, like a guy telling his friend what he did over the weekend. Although I really enjoyed reading this piece, I thought the "Savior" stanza and onwards, were the highlight of this piece. And the last line was a great conclusion. Sorry for the lame crit, but this piece is perfect as is.

Crit mine please
Reflection Overdose
themarsvolta is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2007, 01:46 AM   #6
lester2215
Banned
 
lester2215's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: California
Very nice poem..This poem reminds me of a game of chess..No matter how you look at it theres always a secret view for whats / or what maybe happening.
I like it alot man. Very intresting..
Specially the ashtray..If i think about it,
Makes me think, like the ashtray like i helped out to others
But they just walked on me, or something..
And the hobo part, makes me think like
"hiding from something is never a way to change something of the present"
lester2215 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2007, 01:47 AM   #7
arsonite
UG's Jack Sparrow
 
arsonite's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: In hearts everywhere across the world
I like that. Very interesting and flowed nicely together, Good job.
__________________
ಥ_ಥ
arsonite is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2007, 01:52 AM   #8
The Hurt Within
Preserving the name...
 
The Hurt Within's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Stoking your fire...
This is why you'll have my nomination for wotm. Nuff said. Stunning little piece.
__________________
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
The Hurt Within is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2007, 02:20 AM   #9
wishIknew
does the moon make faces?
 
wishIknew's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: canadazakistan
Quote:
Originally Posted by culex-knight
On the third stanza, I would change the last line to fit with the other stanzas. Something like, "People called me a fake, go figure." Not that, necessarily, just, having two "And, la da da..", and then the third one being different than the other two, I just think it would be much better.

Other than that I thought this was gold.


well, maybe it's good the way it is, because it's kind of like there's more emphasis on that line. And that's kind of the point isn't it? I dunno, just a thought.
wishIknew is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2007, 02:36 AM   #10
culex-knight
mon titre d'utilisateur
 
culex-knight's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: In the bucket at the end of time.
^Perhaps.

Yeah, you're probably right.
__________________
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching
culex-knight is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2007, 03:03 AM   #11
METSOAD
Bass Man
 
METSOAD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: A Little Place Called London
intresting idea

more of a poem than a song

i love this line:
People call me fake, go figure, with your permission io would like to use it in a song i am writing
__________________
www.myspace.com/symmetry4321


Quote:
Originally Posted by RockerPseudonym
I think stone is either 7 or 14 lbs

Edit I'm gonna go with 14 because it's rather unlikely you're 56 pounds


Quote:
Originally Posted by evening_crow
sounds like....u need a...

BAND MEETING!!!
METSOAD is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2007, 04:50 AM   #12
bassbeat77
aka Steve2
 
bassbeat77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: the very last phone booth
your stuff is really starting to impress me... like really.... this is one of the coolest things i've seen on here in quite some time.

everything about this is ace... from the structure to the concept and word choice.

great job man.
bassbeat77 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2007, 07:27 AM   #13
PXi
Registered User
 
PXi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Amazingly well written - one of those things i read and think 'i really wish i could say i'd written that'

The conclusive line 'everyone's a skeptic' is a perfect finish - it's prefect length. Really cannot think of a single criticism

crit mine?
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...ad.php?t=587470
PXi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2007, 09:34 AM   #14
frodoisdead
Love, Ire & Song.
 
frodoisdead's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: stockport
i really liked this. i love the simplicity, how you make points without crazy lingo + you paint pictures without severe amounts of description. it's also quite provocative, it seems to question many things in a short space of time.

excellent.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
frodoisdead is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2007, 10:23 AM   #15
Grovermans
.. / .- -- / --. --- -..
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: canadia
that was great.
__________________

I just want to sleep forever.

Grovermans is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-05-2007, 08:17 AM   #16
Phoebus
S+L OG
 
Phoebus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: under dirt-filled rainy nights with my socks stuck in the mud, yeah....
i like it. i like it alot.

the short lines you set up make the flow very cold and calculated, and makes the reader consider every word for what it is and what it adds. The overall message behind it is a very true and very universal one; people are quick to believe the worst and slow to believe the best in others (well, you get a little deeper at points too, but i think it gets dangerous to try to tell people what they're writing about).

A few minor gripes:

In the Savior stanza, you don't need the comma after "And" in the last line. Jams up your flow and it doesn't fit grammatically.

Also, in that same stanza (and the little joiner between that and the summary line), the flow gets a little jammed due to the period at the end of the last line ("And people called me fake.") It's another picky little grammar point, but especially since you start the next line with "even though" (which you shouldn't use to start sentences), you don't need that period. just use a comma (or no punctuation at all, since the line break acts as a natural pause).

I feel like the reactionary line to the savior bit could be stronger....since the other two actions are so strong (having cigarettes put out in you and having change flung at you), I expected another strong reaction from the people who saw you, not just calling you fake. Just a thought.


Very well done.

--jay
__________________
apolloblaze.dmusic.com
Phoebus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-05-2007, 12:59 PM   #17
Noah G
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Eville indiana
very very well done
great poem
unbelievably precise
one of the better works on the site
__________________
crit my lyrics please, i need the help
Listen to me,
pouring rain,
what i'm for,
hurt,
december depression
but...
Calloused Heart

you can check out my myspace
Noah G is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-05-2007, 03:09 PM   #18
i_got_novacain
UG Senior Member
 
i_got_novacain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
I enjoyed this little piece, I like it alot.
i_got_novacain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-05-2007, 08:39 PM   #19
rushmore
bblblubluewhale
 
rushmore's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
i really like the idea here, i think its brilliant.
my only suggestion would be the
' you guessed it'
i think that is kind of blah and doesn't fit in the poem. i think people would argue and would think that it fits but i think its talking to the reader a bit too much.
otherwise 9/10
i loved the ending

http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...ad.php?t=600788
if you have time, you dont have to say much
rushmore is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-05-2007, 09:54 PM   #20
giftsr4sharing
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
I loved that like crazy.
Very original, interesting, and well organized.
Nice one.
__________________
Jessica. 16. Aspiring singer/songwriter.
check out my youtube profile.
giftsr4sharing is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:23 PM.

Forum Archives / About / Terms of Use / Advertise / Contact / Ultimate-Guitar.Com © 2014
Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.0.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.