Go Back   UG Community @ Ultimate-Guitar.Com > Music > Songwriting & Lyrics
User Name  
Password
Search:

Reply
Old 06-22-2007, 01:27 AM   #1
t3h guitar n00b
Baned
 
t3h guitar n00b's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Dead Mind

First time ive written, so be kind. Been boring around here so just picked up a pen and wrote. C4C

Verse 1:
Have i found the right track
Maybe i should turn back
Its taken so many words
Feel like im gonna fall

Pre-Chorus:
I can feel im falling
You cant hear my calling

Chorus:
On the edge of my dead mind
I can't hear the silence
It just takes time
and now i am free

Verse 2:
I can see you mimic
Or is it just a gimick
It's taken all my strength
and ive given my all

Chorus:
On the edge of my dead mind
I can't hear the silence
It just takes time
and now i am free

Outro:
Goodbye my dead mind
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by aradine
i wish i got disowned by my grandparents so i could stay home tommorow and fap.


Guitars:
Ibanez RG350EX

Amps:
Vox Valvetronix 30

Last edited by t3h guitar n00b : 06-22-2007 at 11:32 PM. Reason: update
t3h guitar n00b is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-22-2007, 03:25 AM   #2
Grundy0
Banned
 
Grundy0's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: On the Road to Perdition
Quote:
Originally Posted by t3h guitar n00b
First time ive written, so be kind. Been boring around here so just picked up a pen and wrote. Advice would be welcome


Verse 1:
Have i found the right track
Maybe i should turn back
Its taken so many words
Feel like its gonna fall What is?

Pre-Chorus:
I can feel im falling
You cant hear my calling Nice, Plain simple but effective

Chorus:
On the edge of my dead mind
I can't hear the silence Love that line
It just takes time
and now i am free

Verse 2:
I can see you mimic
Or is it just a gimick
That rhyme is really forced, I dislike it
It's taken all my strength
and ive given my all I like the fall/all rhyme

Chorus:
On the edge of my dead mind
I can't hear the silence
It just takes time
and now i am free

Outro:
Goodbye my dead mind


Yeah its ok for your first peice, but try not to force rhymes and try to give it a stronger meaning.

5/10 but don't worry you'll get better.
Grundy0 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-22-2007, 03:34 AM   #3
t3h guitar n00b
Baned
 
t3h guitar n00b's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
thanks ill take that on board. And yes it was gimmick was very forced and if no one said anything about it i wouldve been very surprised.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by aradine
i wish i got disowned by my grandparents so i could stay home tommorow and fap.


Guitars:
Ibanez RG350EX

Amps:
Vox Valvetronix 30
t3h guitar n00b is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-22-2007, 04:22 AM   #4
guitaruboy
Registered User
 
guitaruboy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Wisconsin of all places
Verse 1:
Have i found the right track
Maybe i should turn back little rhymey, but sounds good in a anthem sort of way
Its taken so many words
Feel like its gonna fall this doesn't fit in too well, rephrase[B]

Pre-Chorus:
I can feel im falling
You cant hear my calling
sorta cliche, seams like everybodies "falling" these days

Chorus:
On the edge of my dead mind
I can't hear the silence
It just takes time
and now i am free
again i don't really like the phrasing

Verse 2:
I can see you mimic
Or is it just a gimick
It's taken all my strength
and ive given my all
still iffy but works better

Chorus:
On the edge of my dead mind
I can't hear the silence
It just takes time
and now i am free

Outro:
Goodbye my dead mind[/QUOTE]
good ending[B]










all in all
i like the subject matter
but i would like to see it longer
and the phrasing worked on


can i get a crit on my piece?
theres a link
the crying girl one
__________________
my rig:
Fender Lonestar Strat
Fender 72' Tele Deluxe
Boss ME-70
Traynor YCS50


Want To Hear Some of My Recordings?
guitaruboy is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:54 PM.

Forum Archives / About / Terms of Use / Advertise / Contact / Ultimate-Guitar.Com © 2014
Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.0.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.