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Old 10-22-2007, 06:47 PM   #1
hope's downfall
mellow drama queen
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this is a song i'm writing for a domestic violence awareness rally. it's not finished, but i'd like to get some feedback before i put too much time into something that may not work. c4c i promise!

she moves in silence through darkened rooms
the night bearing down on her heart
from up above she hears stifled snores
and the sound tears her apart

he always sleeps well
after blowing off some steam
i don't sleep at all

bruises on her skin betray the lies
she tells to her questioning friends
everyone sees that she's not okay
but no one knows what should be said

and now she cries over broken glass
in a puddle of cheap red wine
but she's longed for true love all her life
so she's quick to believe his lines

i know he loves me
i must have done something wrong
please forgive me, love

Last edited by hope's downfall : 10-22-2007 at 06:56 PM.
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Old 10-22-2007, 06:54 PM   #2
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i say its good keep going
like a chicken on a junebug.- coach teasdale

if you dont want to play basketball go to underwater basket weaving. coach teasdale

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Old 10-22-2007, 06:56 PM   #3
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excellent. i normally don't comment on these things but this was very good...
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Old 10-22-2007, 07:14 PM   #4
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I really like it. Very haunting, captures the fear of the abused wife well. If I had to modify one thing, I'd add another line to the chorus (I'm assuming the italicized part is the chorus). But I don't know how you hear it fitting into the song, so it may work perfectly the way you have it. It just seems though while the rest of the lyrics fit well together with meter and rhymes, the chorus kind of seems a bit rhythmically off. Just my two cents though. Great work!
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Old 10-22-2007, 08:01 PM   #5
hope's downfall
mellow drama queen
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thanks for the kind words!

the italicized parts aren't really a chorus, just a way to show that its the wife's thoughts. and as for the rhythm, i wrote those parts as haiku...i'm not really sure why. but i do agree, the haiku rhythm doesn't quite fit with the rest of the song.
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Old 10-23-2007, 09:38 AM   #6
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It's good.

More tomorrow. Tomorrow being whenever I get a chance. PM if I forget.
Originally Posted by Wizards?
Confusius says, "No motherfucker!

Call me Kyrl, pronounced Curl

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