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Old 11-30-2007, 05:12 AM   #1
Zephyr Zylöz
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Bla-bla-bla Little Bluebird

Okay, this is the newest thing I've written, about 20 minutes ago actually, something different from me, lost all inspiration with the Jester so! this one is about, as the title would suggest, a little bluebird, it has huge meaning for me, though that may not get through, anyway its C4C, but dont just say "great!, heres the link to mine" as that will be ignored, something actually worth reading is handy, anyway enough of my tooling around, here she is, Little Bluebird.

Through misty sorrows
Crazy thoughts yet solemn nights
Rage through the trees
None unlike a stormy summer breeze

Echo little bluebird
Whisper through the trees
Sing a song, O bluebird
Sing a song to me

Plucking at the strings
Of good times lost to memories
Is a man of twisted figure
Of whom the bluebird sings

Echo little bluebird
Whisper through the trees
Sing a song, O bluebird
Sing a song to me

Atop the mountains high
Belongs the broken cries
Of a mortal soul whom none impeach
Of whom the bluebird sings

Echo little bluebird
Whisper through the trees
Sing a song, O bluebird
Sing a song to me

Through the valleys and the ranges
Little bluebird flies
Beating little wings
Beneath the summer skies

Through the summer trees
A gentle winter’s breeze
Lingers just a little longer
To here the bluebird sing

Echo little bluebird
Whisper through the trees
Sing a song, O bluebird
Sing a song to me



A night of days through this summers rage
A winter’s breeze through summer trees
A senseless tale of cloudless nights
Throughout the bluebirds flight

Little bluebird sing a song
Sing a song of hope
Sing a song of fortune hold
O little bluebird sing a song to me

Echo little bluebird
Whisper through the trees
Sing a song, O bluebird
Sing a song to me

The winds of the west
Turn to the lands of the free
Little left for bluebird
Little left for me

Echo little bluebird
Whisper through the trees
Sing a song, O bluebird
Sing a song to me

Last edited by Zephyr Zylöz : 06-23-2008 at 05:55 AM.
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Old 11-30-2007, 05:49 AM   #2
Blackvelvet
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Wow. I like it. It has a kinda of folk-ey tinge with all the nature references which kinda reminded me of some early zeppelin and/or bob dylan, but theres also a more intellegent side which kinda reminded me of king crimson for some reason =S random i know but thats what sprung to mind. Keep up the good work =]
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Old 11-30-2007, 12:04 PM   #3
XxGibsonSGxX
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zephyr Zylöz
Okay, this is the newest thing I've written, about 20 minutes ago actually, something different from me, lost all inspiration with the Jester so! this one is about, as the title would suggest, a little bluebird, it has huge meaning for me, though that may not get through, anyway its C4C, but dont just say "great!, heres the link to mine" as that will be ignored, something actually worth reading is handy, anyway enough of my tooling around, here she is, Little Bluebird.

Through misty sorrows
Crazy thoughts yet solemn nights
Rage through the trees
None unlike a stormy summer breeze

I enjoyed this first stanza, sets a nice little scene.

Echo little bluebird
Whisper through the trees
Sing a song, O bluebird
Sing a song to me

Nothing wrong here. Perhaps "O" should be "Oh, " .

Plucking at the strings
Of good times lost to memory’s
Is a man of twisted figure
Of whom the bluebird sings

This is good, but memory's should be memories, I think.

Echo little bluebird
Whisper through the trees
Sing a song, O bluebird
Sing a song to me

Atop the mountains high
Belongs the broken cries
Of a mortal soul whom none impeach
Of whom the bluebird sings

Hmm, a poor soul in distress. I like the concept of that.

Echo little bluebird
Whisper through the trees
Sing a song, O bluebird
Sing a song to me

Through the valleys and the ranges
Little bluebird flies
Beating little wings
Beneath the summer skies

Again, flows well. Nothing I would change.

Through the summer trees
A gentle winter’s breeze
Lingers just a little longer
To here the bluebird sing

I'm not sure if it's portraying the bird throughout the seasons, but it was summer in the last stanza, and now it says summer trees, but a winter's breeze. Perhaps there I something I am missing. Good, though.

Echo little bluebird
Whisper through the trees
Sing a song, O bluebird
Sing a song to me

A night of days through this summers rage
A winter’s breeze through summer trees
A senseless tale of cloudless nights
Throughout the bluebirds flight

Oh, I kind of see the winter vs summer thing. COOL. I like this alot.

Little bluebird sing a song
Sing a song of hope
Sing a song of fortune hold
O little bluebird sing a song to me

I would change line 3, but either than that it is very good.

Echo little bluebird
Whisper through the trees
Sing a song, O bluebird
Sing a song to me

The winds of the west
Turn to the lands of the free
Little left for bluebird
Little left for me

The last two lines are good, but I feel they need an extra word. Meh, maybe not.

Echo little bluebird
Whisper through the trees
Sing a song, O bluebird
Sing a song to me


Overall, kickass my friend. I hope to see more from you in the days to come. If you have time, check out "At Mind's End" for me. Peace.

Mark
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Old 11-30-2007, 05:02 PM   #4
rcbass
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zephyr Zylöz
Okay, this is the newest thing I've written, about 20 minutes ago actually, something different from me, lost all inspiration with the Jester so! this one is about, as the title would suggest, a little bluebird, it has huge meaning for me, though that may not get through, anyway its C4C, but dont just say "great!, heres the link to mine" as that will be ignored, something actually worth reading is handy, anyway enough of my tooling around, here she is, Little Bluebird.

Through misty sorrows
Crazy thoughts yet solemn nights
Rage through the trees
None unlike a stormy summer breeze

Good, no problems here

Echo little bluebird
Whisper through the trees
Sing a song, O bluebird
Sing a song to me

That's just amazing


Plucking at the strings
Of good times lost to memory’s
Is a man of twisted figure
Of whom the bluebird sings

memory's is memories

Echo little bluebird
Whisper through the trees
Sing a song, O bluebird
Sing a song to me

Atop the mountains high
Belongs the broken cries
Of a mortal soul whom none impeach
Of whom the bluebird sings

I think cries should be cry, because your talking about a single soul

Echo little bluebird
Whisper through the trees
Sing a song, O bluebird
Sing a song to me

Through the valleys and the ranges
Little bluebird flies
Beating little wings
Beneath the summer skies

Good

Through the summer trees
A gentle winter’s breeze
Lingers just a little longer
To here the bluebird sing

That is my favorite stanza just awesome

Echo little bluebird
Whisper through the trees
Sing a song, O bluebird
Sing a song to me


A night of days through this summers rage
A winter’s breeze through summer trees
A senseless tale of cloudless nights
Throughout the bluebirds flight

Little bluebird sing a song
Sing a song of hope
Sing a song of fortune hold
O little bluebird sing a song to me

This doesn't flow very well

Echo little bluebird
Whisper through the trees
Sing a song, O bluebird
Sing a song to me

The winds of the west
Turn to the lands of the free
Little left for bluebird
Little left for me

Echo little bluebird
Whisper through the trees
Sing a song, O bluebird
Sing a song to me



This is an amazing piece. Grabbed my attention and kept me the entire time. Great work!
9/10
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Old 11-30-2007, 10:20 PM   #5
Zephyr Zylöz
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Blackvelvet, thanks a lot for the comment, I was going for a foly little tinge to it, so at least I know I've done something right, and as for the early zeppelin comment, goody!, zeppelin are the band that inspires me, so thanks! intellegent..hmm, never been called that so thanks yet again!

XxGibsonSGxX, I think for all my work you've had at least one look at it, so thanks for taking the time to read my stuff, the second I get the chance I'll read your work so hang on.


rcbass, thanks for taking the time to read this, it means a lot to me when people look at it, it still needs a little bit of work, but eventually it should come out alright, and I'm glad that you could point out some places in which it could be improved, so thank you, also I'm glad it could hold your attention!

Cheers everyone!

Zeph.
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Old 12-01-2007, 06:22 AM   #6
Feel bad inc.
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Im sorry its taken me a while to get round to this..

Anyway I wrote out a crit for this just before, but then my comp shut down just before i posted it

But to sum up what I pretty much said was.

I love this imagery, its a very sweet song. I can see it as a nice acoustic, like the beatles "blackbird", its sounds like a very good song. Its not about anything to heavy, just a little bluebird and some of the lessons of life we could learn from it. I really do like this poem. I thank you for your crit of mine, and if you wish, please check out "queen of daggers" its in my sig. thank you.
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Old 12-13-2007, 04:51 AM   #7
Zephyr Zylöz
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Thanks a lot Feel Good Inc., as soon as I believe I have the mental capasity to function is such a way in which to be informative I shall critique your piece, I will eventually get around to fixing little bits of this song...anyway, have fun!

Zeph.
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