|12-07-2007, 12:38 PM||#1|
Join Date: Dec 2007
Don't Leave My Side
Your smile tears me apart
Your eyes sink me into an ocean deep and blue
And if I could follow you home
I'd walk all night...I'd walk all night
Your laughter shakes me awake
Your courtesy follows wherever I can hide
And if I could make you my girl
I'd wait all night...I'd wait all night
And I'll stay with you tonight
Even if it kills me
You couldn't make me happier than I am right now
Just don't leave my side
Your love keeps me alive
I need it more than you could understand
And if I could make you love me
That'd be just fine...that'd be just fine
|12-07-2007, 03:25 PM||#2|
PaBST! Try a rum cookie
Join Date: Jun 2007
Well, i like the picture, and a very good variaty of words. (Is variaty a word at all?)
There are some mixed feelings in 3rd and 4th stanza, "And i'll stay with you tonight, Even if it kills me" <> "Your love keeps me alive"
Maybe you should look at it again, trying to get it to the same ending line.
|12-09-2007, 02:54 AM||#4|
Join Date: Nov 2007
Sometimes rhyming works and sometimes it doesn't. Most of the case it works in this song but I am really not feeling the two last lines in the last stanza of the song that read:
"And if I could make you love me
That'd be just fine...that'd be just fine"
See you build up the song and the anticipation and I'm waiting to hear what's and then BAM, like a brick wall I get hit with those two lines. I mean, that's all it would be is JUST FINE after all the heartfelt things you said previously--it just doesn't make sense to me. I feel like you're trying too hard to make that last line rhyme and are having trouble thinking of better words than the one's you used.
Other than that, it's a nice song.
If you would critique my song, "Eternal Amber" which can be found here:
I would appreciate it a lot!