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Old 12-03-2007, 11:06 PM   #1
Petey Cook
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Cool Pattern Recognition

New song, Crit for Crat.

Pattern Recognition

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang
But with a symphony of grinding gears
Leading to an orchestra of typing keys
Conducting so many notes
That eyes will read
But ears will never hear

And the mainframes sing to you
"Conduct on us notes
that will never be free"
So you dive into the keys
Until your face becomes a silent screen

Your circuitry lies dark
The signals are lost inside the synapse
Your broken antennas and dead connections
Carry no spark of conversation
Until a lightbolt strikes your heart
Burning the metal into flesh
Searing together broken wires
That trace back to the receiver
This new code carries such a simple message
"Never forget
How angry you are and
How beautiful that makes you"

As you wake from virtual reality
To an orchestra of typing keys
You think
"This the way the world ends"

Rock On
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Last edited by Petey Cook : 12-03-2007 at 11:11 PM.
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Old 12-03-2007, 11:14 PM   #2
stradivari310
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Ever read the dune series by frank herbert? because this reminds me of the butlerian jihad. (ignore that if you have no idea what I'm saying)

It's interesting.. it does a perfect job of painting this picture of a world completely dominated by technology. It makes me think, and I like that.

C4C? http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/sh...ad.php?t=727773
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Old 12-03-2007, 11:22 PM   #3
Petey Cook
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Cool

Thanks. I'll get to yours right now, actually.

Rock On
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Old 12-04-2007, 06:17 PM   #4
calvinthecanadi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Petey Cook
New song, Crit for Crat.

Pattern Recognition

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang
But with a symphony of grinding gears
Leading to an orchestra of typing keys
Conducting so many notes
That eyes will read
But ears will never hear

Oh man Petey Cakes, this is already looking good. I like the opening line here, it's almost like you're ending the song, it seems like it could be a good opener and a finishing line. Really good flow here I gotta say, especially lines 3 and 4. My only complaint here is the last line or two, it seems a little out of place somehow, the flow might be kind of weird here, but not sure.

And the mainframes sing to you
"Conduct on us notes
that will never be free"
So you dive into the keys
Until your face becomes a silent screen

Not really much complaining here, it's not amazing, but not terrible, just decent. First four lines are pretty solid, but the last one messes around with the whoel bit.

Your circuitry lies dark
The signals are lost inside the synapse
Your broken antennas and dead connections
Carry no spark of conversation
Until a lightbolt strikes your heart
Burning the metal into flesh
Searing together broken wires
That trace back to the receiver
This new code carries such a simple message
"Never forget
How angry you are and
How beautiful that makes you"

Sort of a weak starting to me, but on the third line you picked it up real fast. I really liked the sound of the quoted bit at the end, really original I gotta say. This part is pretty up to par. Little wonky flow in the middle...

As you wake from virtual reality
To an orchestra of typing keys
You think
"This the way the world ends"

WOW! Nice end, I had no idea you were going to end on the beginning line, it was all just a guess.

Rock On


Overall, I really liked what you were going for here, for the most part, it was really good, a few rough spots here and there, but they're almost overlooked when the rets is amazing. All I really need to say is that at some parts, it's only the flow that doesn't do it for me. 8.5/10, thanks for the words on mine.
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Old 12-04-2007, 06:44 PM   #5
Brandon860
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Petey Cook
New song, Crit for Crat.

Pattern Recognition

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang
But with a symphony of grinding gears
Leading to an orchestra of typing keys
Conducting so many notes
That eyes will read
But ears will never hear
Things here seem good

And the mainframes sing to you
"Conduct on us notes
that will never be free"
So you dive into the keys
Until your face becomes a silent screen
Excellent description and technology referencing

Your circuitry lies dark
The signals are lost inside the synapse
Your broken antennas and dead connections
Carry no spark of conversation
Until a lightbolt strikes your heart
Burning the metal into flesh
Searing together broken wires
That trace back to the receiver
This new code carries such a simple message
"Never forget
How angry you are and
How beautiful that makes you"
Maybe this stanza could be sectioned or split up a little better, seems to lose its flow around "This code..."

As you wake from virtual reality
To an orchestra of typing keys
You think
"This the way the world ends"

Rock On


Nice piece overall, love thehuman enslavement by technology angle. You used alot of wording that stayed true to the subject which is great. I felt there needed to be more to the ending though, I dont know. Too short or the final line just doesn't hit as hard as the rest of it. Just my thoughts though.
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Old 12-04-2007, 07:15 PM   #6
Pete Murray#1
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Petey Cook
New song, Crit for Crat.

Pattern Recognition

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang
But with a symphony of grinding gears
Leading to an orchestra of typing keys
Conducting so many notes
That eyes will read
But ears will never hear

as someone else has already said, the opening line works well because of the way in which it would usually seem to indicate the end, i personally like the repetition and i assume there's a pause between the first and second readings of it? I like the idea of orchestra of typing keys, not sure about the last two lines but a good start nonetheless

And the mainframes sing to you
"Conduct on us notes
that will never be free"
So you dive into the keys
Until your face becomes a silent screen

the 2nd, 3rd lines aren't perfect to me but this is a good stanza, not as good as the first however.

Your circuitry lies dark
The signals are lost inside the synapse
Your broken antennas and dead connections
Carry no spark of conversation
Until a lightbolt strikes your heart
Burning the metal into flesh
Searing together broken wires
That trace back to the receiver
This new code carries such a simple message
"Never forget
How angry you are and
How beautiful that makes you"

mm, this stanza starts slowly but builds quite quickly, a bit so-so in the middle but the last four lines I think are outstanding, really like the qote

As you wake from virtual reality
To an orchestra of typing keys
You think
"This the way the world ends"

fantastic ending, love the way you used 'this is the way the world ends' both at the beginning and the end, this piece reminds me of the poem 'Specimen' my class did in english last year, can't recall the author

Rock On


really good piece overall, good angle, some great lines. Admittedly some of it needs some more polish IMO but definately an excellent start

c4c? http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...ad.php?t=727998 If you'd be so kind
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Old 12-04-2007, 09:56 PM   #7
The Hurt Within
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Pattern Recognition

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang
But with a symphony of grinding gears
Leading to an orchestra of typing keys
Conducting so many notes
That eyes will read
But ears will never hear

I do like the two channels of imagery you have going here. At first I was going to make it a negative point but the more I read it the more they gel together and contrast and reflect each other, so it that respect it's a great achievement. However the 'grinding gears' and 'typing keys' stand out as slightly off topic, adding a 3rd group of images that do not compliment the others put me off slightly. If I really wanted to poke at this, the last 2 lines fall far short of the standard the others uphold.

And the mainframes sing to you
"Conduct on us notes
that will never be free"
So you dive into the keys
Until your face becomes a silent screen

I wasn't so taken with this stanza. It feel like a re-hash of the first, but with less quality, as though the piece hasn't moved anywhere. The repeated words add to this. Line 2 didn't work for me on any level either. The change in the narrators voice here threw me off a little too, the mention of 'you' suddenly thrown in there didn't really work on the basis you're introducing a character too late.

Your circuitry lies dark
The signals are lost inside the synapse
Your broken antennas and dead connections
Carry no spark of conversation
Until a lightbolt strikes your heart
Lightbolt is poor diction imo.
Burning the metal into flesh
Searing together broken wires
That trace back to the receiver
This new code carries such a simple message
"Never forget
How angry you are and
How beautiful that makes you"

This stanza brought the piece back on track. In moves the story along well and the lines flow faultlessly, with the odd occasional hiccough here and there, namely; the 'burning' and 'searing' lines. If I am honest this piece would benefit far more from some punctuation, you could easily manipulate the reader so they take more notice of important lines such as, "Carry no spark of conversation", which is a great line lost in the flow of the piece.

As you wake from virtual reality
To an orchestra of typing keys
You think
"This the way the world ends"

bit of an understated ending. Maybe a typo on the last line too. I mean I get the sudden jump, just for me it doesn't work. More needs to made of it, You did try to link back to other parts of the piece but it was only a slight effort. Just make more of it and you'll be well on your way.

Overall a strong piece that is very up and down, tweak it here and there and it's worth of some pride.

peACE
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Old 12-05-2007, 06:28 AM   #8
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This is going to be a ****ty critique.

I don't care for rough spots in pieces I really like.


I really liked this.



Carmel

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I warned you this will be ****ty.
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Old 12-07-2007, 12:10 AM   #9
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Ehh, I read the first line and I felt a swell of annoyance in my gut. I hate when people borrow famous quotes to make their poetry have meaning, which isn't what you're doing but pretty close, it seems like an excersize, "Take this quote and write a poem about it, due tomorrow."

Also I'm really burnt out on the circuits thing, I wrote like at least 50-60 poems with the whole digital theme, because when I like a theme I run it into the ground. Personally it felt bored with itself, but at the same time too involved with it's own importance to kind of understand that the writing didn't justify the metaphors.

The metaphors you were using were better than the actual writing itself, that's what it comes down to, either dumb down your metaphors or get better at writing them.
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Old 12-07-2007, 12:22 AM   #10
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Whoa, man. It's like the Singularity gone wrong or something.

Seriously, though, great imagery that doesn't seem backed up. Some of your lines are brilliant, but the quality of the piece is so varied that its difficult to discern a fuller meaning, dig? See, the symphony of gears that no ear will hear is a great image. Yet it gets caught up in awkward phrasing that ruins the momentum you build.

I think you have moments of greatness, buried under ungainly writing and poor word choice. With work, this poem could be really excellent.

If you feel like critting mine back - http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...ad.php?t=730050
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Old 12-07-2007, 01:33 AM   #11
Petey Cook
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Cool

Quote:
Also I'm really burnt out on the circuits thing


So you're taking your frustartion with yourself out on me?

Quote:
I think you have moments of greatness, buried under ungainly writing and poor word choice. With work, this poem could be really excellent.


Why are you calling it a poem?

Anyway, thanks to all you guys who gave it a full crit without me asking or giving you one first. I'll try and get back to you if I have time, but I can't promise you that I will.

Rock On
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Old 12-07-2007, 04:51 PM   #12
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Just wow, great song, I usually don't like songs that don't rhyme, but this one is really good, just maybe the third stanza could be split, but I think only one other person said that, can't wait to hear the song, if you do make something.

If you want to crit one of mine, I recommend you look at Dreams I Have Of You, Darkness Rises In The Morning or Why Was It You, they are all in my sig. Thanks if you do, and keep up the good work.
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Old 12-07-2007, 07:35 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Petey Cook
So you're taking your frustartion with yourself out on me?
Rock On


Why do you have to be a wise ass to everyone? I see you dropping in and out of people's pieces with nothing to say except trash talk.

"Pattern Recognition" is the name of a Sonic Youth song.

That's the only crit I'm giving you.
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Old 12-08-2007, 03:17 AM   #14
Petey Cook
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Well if Sonic Youth did it than I'm not going to be able to top it, right?

I'm a wiseass because if I wasn't, you kids might get the terrible idea that you're actually decent writers.

Rock On
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Old 12-08-2007, 06:00 AM   #15
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Never forget how angry you are and how beautiful that makes you.

I think that was very meaningful line for the whole piece.

Like... stop being a f'king robot and stuff...

... yeah... me likes that line... but thinks the piece can be smoothed out a bit.

For some reason the imagery kinda clashes in my head...

... but I'm slightly insane...

!troy!
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Old 12-09-2007, 01:58 AM   #16
Petey Cook
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It's cool. Nice to see you around, Troy.

Rock On
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Old 12-09-2007, 02:12 AM   #17
Zephyr Zylz
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Petey Cook
New song, Crit for Crat.

Pattern Recognition

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang
But with a symphony of grinding gears
Leading to an orchestra of typing keys
Conducting so many notes
That eyes will read
But ears will never hear
I dont like the repetition of "this is the way the world ends" either seperate it a bit or get rid of the first one, only options I can see, I like the usage of orchestra and symphony, speaking of music in music always has interested me, last two lines make the whole verse.

And the mainframes sing to you
"Conduct on us notes
that will never be free"
So you dive into the keys
Until your face becomes a silent screen
I'm not a big fan of the whole verse, first line doesnt flow neither does the last line, disrupts the in between which is pretty good.

Your circuitry lies dark
The signals are lost inside the synapse
Your broken antennas and dead connections
Carry no spark of conversation
Until a lightbolt strikes your heart
Burning the metal into flesh
Searing together broken wires
That trace back to the receiver
This new code carries such a simple message
"Never forget
How angry you are and
How beautiful that makes you"
I think that this would be my favorite verse of all, keeps with the digital feel yet works in human emotions, though the last few lines again really make the verse.


As you wake from virtual reality
To an orchestra of typing keys
You think
"This the way the world ends"
I like the repeat of "This the way the world ends" and orchestra, a nice closer.

Rock On
Run into the ground... (jk)


Overall a good piece with moments of brillance, with work could end up being spectacular.

If you feel like criting any of my work "Little Bluebird needs some attention.

Cheers
Zeph
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