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Old 12-07-2007, 12:00 AM   #1
JoHNNERz
The Man With The Plan
 
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Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: New York City
Vanity

Crit for Crit.

Vanity

Ascetic aesthetic, oh what can I do?
Vinegar spongebaths and wordplay, et tu?
Brutal, vindictive, intransigent shades,
Who play in my sandbox and donít know their age,
Who worship the clock and wait for their god,
Throw dice for my garments and spare me the rod.

Excelsior mullahs with radical aim
Break bread at a table with mixed rage and shame,
Break necks next at breakfast and walk on their hands,
Grow tired of feinting, and play in the sand.
A watchmaker Jesus on immortal coil
Glows bright over sandboxes, gushing up oil
While the blood running thick in the rivers of Nod
Flow, sacrifice for our wandering God.

Biblical references anchored in time
Coeval with Adam, in self-conscious rhyme,
Pretension to grandeur yet smothered by skin,
Ironic blood dribbling from Balthasarís chin
Falls into empty hell, where Satan waits lonely
With pride less than mine, or equal, if only.
Bombastic lambaste of my own faults writ grand,
God fallen dead, and, God! - by his own hand.
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Originally Posted by Jackal58
JoHNNERz you sir are my hero of the moment.
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Old 12-07-2007, 12:24 AM   #2
matosh.lee
blemonese skatin bassist
 
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Location: alabama
i dont know what some of those mean but i think its good.
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Old 12-07-2007, 12:30 AM   #3
rush4life
UG's Alex Lifeson
 
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Ontario, Canada
I think it's really interesting how you've used such a basic rhyme scheme for such a complicated piece (at least in terms of language for sure). I'm not very good at interpretation but the middle stanza makes me think of war in the Middle East. Am I close? Either way there's some nifty alliterations in the second part, and it flows well to me. Even though the meaning might be lost on me, I still think it's a good effort, at least from a technical standpoint.

Thanks for the crit.

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Old 12-07-2007, 02:10 PM   #4
klitz
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Very intense. I like your use of religious imagery, makes me think of an ancient holy war against the East, and as well as rush4life, the middle stanza makes me think of the current war in the East. I think its very well written. Thank you for your crit as well! Happy Writing.
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Old 12-07-2007, 07:53 PM   #5
bluesybilly
Worlds Biggest Douche
 
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Land of the Douche
Vanity

Ascetic aesthetic, oh what can I do?
Vinegar spongebaths and wordplay, et tu?
Brutal, vindictive, intransigent shades,
Who play in my sandbox and donít know their age,
Who worship the clock and wait for their god,
Throw dice for my garments and spare me the rod.

(Excellent intro, really sets up the rest of the piece well, cant find anything wrong with it, perfection)

Excelsior mullahs with radical aim
Break bread at a table with mixed rage and shame,
Break necks next at breakfast and walk on their hands,
Grow tired of feinting, and play in the sand.
A watchmaker Jesus on immortal coil
Glows bright over sandboxes, gushing up oil
While the blood running thick in the rivers of Nod
Flow, sacrifice for our wandering God.

(Love this stanza, outstanding use of imagery, and i absolutely adore the religious irony in it, only thing that i dont like is that "the watchmaker jesus on immortal coil" doesnt seem to flow well with me, other than that perfection)

Biblical references anchored in time
Coeval with Adam, in self-conscious rhyme,
Pretension to grandeur yet smothered by skin,
Ironic blood dribbling from Balthasarís chin
Falls into empty hell, where Satan waits lonely
With pride less than mine, or equal, if only.
Bombastic lambaste of my own faults writ grand,
God fallen dead, and, God! - by his own hand.

(EFFING AMAZING! really all i got to say everything about this stanza i love, the poetry, the rhymes, the plays on words, the imagery, and the underlined attacks on religion, only thing i dont like is the "-" before by his own hand.. but thats only one little dash so once again. perfection has been achieved)

(overall, in all honesty i think this is the best piece i have ever read on these boards)

good day
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