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Old 02-08-2008, 10:42 PM   #1
waterproofpie
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The First Official Punk/Ska forum E-Zine

Punk/Ska Forum E-Zine #1


This month in ponx athletixxx: Curling
One may ask, "What about curling is so ponx? Curling isn't ponx!". False.
Before I am harrangued about how sports aren't ponx, or how ponx isn't technically a word, or how making 'False' it's own sentence is grammatically incorrect, let's get some background on this sport.

Curling is played by 2 teams consisting of 4 players to a team on a long rectangular sheet of ice with a target at the end. One player will push a stone down the ice while two sweepers will strategically brush their brooms in front of the stone in order to speed it up, slow it down, or aim the stone for the target. While many say curling is not a sport, it requires a high degree of mental concentration and physical precision, making it much more difficult than many might have already perceived.

Now that we are well versed in the nature of the beast, one may still ponder, "but what about chucking circular objects down large shafts of ice is so ponx? Why the hell is this in a musical e-gazette? Why do fools fall in love?". In response to the second question, there's a sport section in this zine because I said so. And to answer the third question, unfortunately, I don't know why fools fall in love, but I regress.

Back to question 1.:
What about curling ISN'T ponx?! Much like the genre of punk music, the sport of curling is vastly misunderstood to even many athletes due to false assumptions. Also, both at face value appear to be very simplistic, but require a great deal of skill to execute well. Moreover, any sport where someone can slide down a sheet of ice with wearing limited protective gear is just straight up badass.


I'd put some witty conclusion to this article but I'm not going to. Because like curling, I'm ponx. Ponx don't need to follow accepted writing structure. Fight me

--waterPROOFpie






Reviews:

Rancid - New Album Review

I recently recieved an advanced copy of Rancid's new album, which has been leaked by an unnamed Californian studio tea boy.

Guess what... it's crap!

--BrianApocalypse




And now a special message from our sponsors. . .

--waterPROOFpie




In Search of Wallace
It was a dark and stormy night when she walked in my door. She walked like an angel and had legs that wouldn’t quit. My partner Streetlight jaw dropped the second he saw her. She casually walked up to my desk and sat down. She spoke in a soft voice, almost soothing.

“I need you to find somebody,” she said.

“Who?” I replied coldly. I’ve learned in my many years that it’s best to hide your emotions. Especially in this business.

“My boyfriend, Wally,” she said shyly. She was a beautiful woman, with big brown eyes and blonde hair. I found myself attached to her immediately. I looked at my partner, Streetlight, and saw that he was feeling the same way.

“How long has he been missing?” I asked.

“It’s not that he’s missing; I just don’t know who he is. If that makes any sense.”

“It does”

Streetlight was busily taking notes on our conversation. That’s what I liked about him. He was a hard worker that never stopped to take a break. He has been very loyal to me, sticking by me when they kicked me off the force. That night still haunts me.

“Wally seems like two different people,” she confessed. “Sometimes he’s a sweet-heart, and is very intelligent. But other times he acts like he’s twelve And others he seems like he’s in the mob”

“We’ll look into it,” I said.

“I must go, I’ll see what you can find in two weeks to see what you’ve found,” she said as she walked out the room.

“We’ll do our best,” Streetlight called after her.

“You try to hard,” I joked with him.

Suddenly, there was a gun shot from out side. Streetlight and I rushed to the door just in time to see a car speed off. Our mystery girl was lying on the street in a pool of blood. Streetlight ran to the pay phone at the end of the block. I sat down next to her.

“Find Wally, Find Wally,” she said as she drifted off to sleep.


To be continued………

--element4433
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I've been busy getting drunk and yelling at endangered species for being pussies. It's a dehydrating job but someone has to do it.
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Old 02-08-2008, 10:42 PM   #2
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What's Up With Brian?"
Hello, intrepid readers.
This week, it’s snowed solidly. I’ve been mostly taking drugs, drink driving with my sled, and on Thursday I had sex with a man. I played two acoustic gigs, and went out for a pizza.
I went to sound control, which is the ****tiest, most corporate guitar shop in the UK, and tried out a Peavey Rockingham, which SS311 uses, and is a badly made piece of crap by some squinty-eyed kid in rags somewhere. I also tried one of the new blackheart amps, and confirm that it, too, is complete ****.
This evening I bought some weed that arrived in the UK inside a tube. It was crushed and looked like breakfast cereal, but grinded up nicely. My best cereal is bran flakes, which you can only get in banana muller yoghurt.
A square yoghurt, like the one that freaked me out, that got made into a witch at Halloween, and my spoon turned into a broomstick. Luckily, the yoghurt on the broomstick was vanilla, which is NOT the same thing. It is NOT!
So then I drawed some pictures. One was an owl with a ball gag in its beak being tied up and spanked and sodomised by a racoon. Some were just kittens. One was a kitten lapping a bowl of chicken and bacon soup, which I invented this week.
One was the kitten choking on a crouton. Dammit I hate croutons.


--BrianApocalypse




Matthew Analyzes What Brian Did
I can sympathize with Brian, seeing as how it snowed over on the West Coast as well. Snow was invented by and for communists, and should be outlawed. Except for snowball fights. It's the only culturally sanctioned act of violence you can get away with, so long as you don't damage someone's eyes. ****in' poseurs with their fragile eyes...

Anyways kudos on the drinks, drugs, and sex. Weed that comes in a tube is somethign I've never seen before, it must be some weird cultural ritual you people have on that silly island. And nice job on the sex. With a man even. You would fit right in a queercore band, except for they're all ****ing straight-edge fags who fear drugs as much as Republicans. And since Brian is a limey Brit, he'll think fag means cigarette, so to him what I wrote was "straight-edge cigarettes." Hmmm... I should market sXe Cigs, they would sell well with all those hipsters who are so into irony.

Congrats on playing the shows too. Probably how you got the man-tail, amirite? Everyone loves a queer British man playing guitar. I'm getting wet just thinking about it. Peavy, while making good amps, sucks when it comes to instruments. In fact, everybody sucks at making guitars. People should stop making guitars, now.

I don't know where the hell you were going with the yogurt and the witch. I could easily assume you're on that fancy tube-weed, but you could just be crazy from your Britishness. I can't tell for sure, I've seen that movie Shaun of the Dead, and I think all you British people are crazy. I mean did you see the way that guy drove in the Jaguar? He was hitting zombies and swerving a lot. He was even driving on the wrong side of the road!

Pictures of and owl being dominated by a racoon? Do I sense a furry? Probably. The kittens were probably nicer though. Kittens are always nice. If Hitler was a kitten I think he would have dominated Europe. Who the **** can say no to a loveable kitten? Probably Texans. They hate everything.



--axeslash








How Simple Plan Changed My Life
Let me set a scene for you—a young, thirteen year old element4433 is sitting in his bedroom watching MTV. He doesn’t have the most friends in school, and is what some might call an outsider. All of a sudden, a video comes on. A video that would change his life forever, a video that would change the way he sees music and the world. This video will inspire him to pick up the guitar, bass, and to write crappy songs. This video taught him that he should just be who he is, and not care about what others think about him. What music video could be so influential in forming a young boy into the person that he will become? The answer is “I’ll Do Anything” by Simple Plan. That’s write a Simple Plan song started element4433’s love affair with punk, emo, ska, and alternative music.



Music had always been a part of my life. I would sing songs while riding in the car with my parents. My dad was into classic rock and folk, while my mom loved Motown and soul. I would listen to my parents records, and sung in the church and school chorus’s. Later on in my elementary school career, I began listening to the radio without my parents influences. I enjoyed Creed, Nickleback, Nelly, Destiny’s Child, 50 Cent, and other bands that I haven’t listened to in years. My older sister was largely responsible for getting me into these musicians. She had recently gotten her drivers license, and listened to these artists while driving me to soccer practice and around town. It was her ( who is now a fan of modern country) that got me into punk.



She had also seen the same Simple Plan video, and loved it as much as I did. A few days later, she purchased this album at our local Walmart. A burnt copy didn’t leave my stereo for months. I memorized every word, every note, and every sound that Simple Plan played. I also began to listen to other bands. Good Charlotte, Yellowcard, and All American Rejects were some of my favorites. Because of Simple Plan and AAR, an event happened that changed my life even more than first witnessing “I’ll Do Anything”……..Warped Tour.

My sister and two of her friends decided that it would be a fun outing to travel to Orlando for the Warped Tour. I was allowed to tag along. We arrived and checked the board to see what time our bands were playing. Simple Plan started half an hour after we arrived. We wandered around to check out the festivities of the tour before heading over to the main stage to catch our favorite band. They were absolutely amazing. The played every song that I wanted to hear. After their show, we ventured over to their merc tent, to meet the band. They were cool guys, and they signed my program (which is the most important thing in my punk rock journey). We walked around some more; listened to some music. After a few hours of doing this, we saw AAR. They were absolutely incredible. I had so much fun, the band looked like they were having fun and looked so cool on stage. I knew that this was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I knew I wanted to write songs play shows, and have people dancing and singing along to every one of my songs.



To be continued…

--element4433




--axeslash
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Originally Posted by CowsWithGuns
I've been busy getting drunk and yelling at endangered species for being pussies. It's a dehydrating job but someone has to do it.
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Old 02-08-2008, 10:43 PM   #3
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TV Eyes
If you don't understand you don't understand, for there's really little more one could possibly say.

In 1998 I was living with my fiancée, Jenna. Lemme tell you – she was gorgeous. And I don't mean pretty, I mean drop-dead-choking-on-your-own-disbelief gorgeous. The girl just kind of radiated. I'd come home from some dead end, part time summer job just to find her sitting on the couch watching TV, wearing little more than pajama pants and some over sized t-shirt, but that was enough to catch me. Every time. And she wasn't just some untouchable beauty queen. No, she was smart. She was quick; there was a certain wit about her which was dangerous, which drew you in.

Yeah, I think it's safe to say that in 1998 I was in love.

We lived in Pittsburg in a small apartment near the edge of the city. Yes, we maybe have lived in Pittsburg, but we had everything we really needed there. We both worked (all be they pathetic) steady jobs, making enough to scrape up rent. I was a teacher's aid at school. Specifically the first grade, Mrs. Reegert's class. Yeah, I was a man working as a teacher's aid. Shoot me. I like helping kids. No one ever helped me. Anyways, so that was that. I had my corner, and Jenna had hers, and together, we got by. We weren't exactly in the lap of luxury, but we were happy. Our apartment was modest; by no means were we the rotting poor, clinging to an inescapable life. We had a ******* and a bedroom, one bath. Good enough, you know? Every morning I'd wake up after Jenna and stumble into the *******, clawing at my face and trying to wake up. Whoever had the great epiphany that waking up at 6 A.M every morning to go teacher hyper active children was a good idea should be shot. But I digress. I would find myself at the table with Jenna, and she, so lovingly, would be making breakfast. We would have eggs almost every morning (God could that woman cook eggs!) and watch the news. There was this one anchor, absolute beauty! I loved watching her.

Of course she couldn't compare to Jenna. Could anyone really?

It was around seven in the morning when I started my walk to school. I got there just around 7:45, which was just enough time to clean up and discuss with Mrs. Reegert what the children would be doing that day. Not that first graders do much really…aside from picking their noses. But I always make it through the day. I love those kids.

Eight hours of finger painting and two naps later, I was walking home. I'm sure you know that nothing beats coming home after a long day. I was covered in specks of paint, from children who couldn't tell red from blue or the sink from the paint jar.
"Jenna?" I opened the door. "Jenna, you there?"
Nothing.
There was a note on the counter:
Nate, I'm at the gym. I'll be back later tonight. I think there's pizza in the fridge. Love, Jenna.

Well. This is fabulous. I'm all alone all night. When Jenna's at the gym, Jenna's later going out with friends, and that means I won't be seeing her anytime soon. I lost the tie and loosened my collar. Nothing says relaxed like reheated pizza and a loose shirt.

***


It's ten o'clock. I've been watching TV reruns and movie marathons since I got home. Where's Jenna? I don't know. Do I care anymore? Not really. She'll come home. I have food, and I have my TV. The news in on. There's that anchor woman I love. She's so beautiful. I've been sitting in this glow for hours – I haven't moved. I haven't thought, haven't spoken. The phone rang a few times. I couldn't be bothered to get up. She's gorgeous. I don't think Jenna's that great. I mean, her, she's the real prize. The warmth, the smiles. She's always there for me; she's been here all day. God, I'm in love. I don't need Jenna. Everything. I. Need. Is right here.

What?

I need to get up. I've been lounged here all day. I think I'm losing it. I mean, how many hours of children's tantrums and Brady Bunch reruns can one person take? Realizing I hadn't eaten since my return home, I went for some of the pizza Jenna had mentioned. It was there, just like she said it would be. Everything's always just like Jenna says it will be. She's amazing.
Is she? She's not so great. I mean, where is she now? I've been waiting hours. I sat down. Again. The TV. It's the glow. That's what I love. I have all the lights off, and there's just this warmth, this radiance, that just engulfs me. This glow that holds me so tight and never lets me go. That's love. That's what I need in life. Jenna can't give that to me – what am I going on about?! – Jenna can't. She hasn't been here for hours.
I started to cry.
But the TV – she held me. The anchor woman, Carol Brady, Jim Carrey, they all held me.
I started to bawl
What am I doing?
What am I doing?!
I was on my knees. But the glow; she still held me. I was on the floor, but the glow still held me. I heard the door. Jenna saw me; that is, Jenna saw us. The TV's arms, holding me. My head pressed into her chest, crying. The TV gently kissing me, whispering to me…whispering to me…
"Nate, what are –"
"I don't love you!!"
"Nate, what the he—"
"I DON'T LOVE YOU, WOMAN!"
I was shrieking. I was hysterical.
"You don't love me. You can't hold me like this. You don't…you're not her!" I was attacking her. Jenna couldn't look at me. She was crying. I was shrieking. Our neighbor was banging on the wall, shouting for Jenna to shut up that "crazy-bastard."
I pressed myself against the TV. It was warm. She held me. I felt myself slipping in…falling in. Like some wonderful dream, where the world doesn't matter and you're inside the television. Inside. And she's holding you, cooing, telling you "it's okay."
SLAM.

Jenna. Where's Jenna?

She's gone. She's not. The TV. She's still here. She's still holding me. She's, she's so warm.
"Nate, I love you Nate. You don't need her. We don't. We have, each other."
"I…I love – I love you too."

--Jett Diamond






Yo. DIY Ponx Music Fa Shizzle Part 1 - Recording
Yo. To do uber-ponx DIY recording, you're gonna need some form of equipment, preferrably crappy. I, for one, use Audacity frequently. Audacity is an uber-gangster freeware audio program. Google it and it should show up. You can layer as many tracks as you want, so if you're like me and you don't have a band, you can layer yourself playing drums, guitar, bass, vocals, etc, etc. (Audacity is great for ripping audio as well. If you want a band's new,
unreleased track they put on MySpace or their website, you can switch the mode to "Stereo Mix", adjust volume levels, and rip away...so ponx xD)

Yo. If you have actual equipment like a decent mic attached to a good computer with pro audio software, I can't help you. A fun option for one-shot recording is an MP3 player with a built-in mic. Usually, the quality is pretty bad, but in some cases (for example, the Creative Zen Vision M) it won't be too horrible.

Yo. If you have an old 4-track tape recorder, like me, you'll be able to make some decent recordings, IF you can figure out how the hell to make it work. If you need to put this stuff on CD or your computer, you can just use a Line-Out thing to your computer from the tape recorder, and figure out how to do that. If there is no Line-Out, just record directly from the tape onto your PC with your computer's mic or your MP3 player, phone, and so on.

Yo. Once you've recorded, you're going to want to do something with the recordings. You might like to have your recordings on CD, so you just burn the files to a disc, put a slip of paper in a jewel case (optional) of your horrible artwork, and give away/keep to yourself. If you just want to send the files to friends, or keep them for later, just do that, but make sure
you advertise a ton. Advertise a TON...only once though, just because that's what I (unintenionally) do, and I'm the coolest ever.

Yo! Keep up with the Ponx Forum Zine news because hopefully next time I'll do some on...DIY PONX MUSIC PART 2 - DISTRIBUTION!

--devourthekitten









Jordan's totally original hand-drawn Comics
Anarchy in Riverdale!






--sargasm
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Originally Posted by CowsWithGuns
I've been busy getting drunk and yelling at endangered species for being pussies. It's a dehydrating job but someone has to do it.
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Old 02-08-2008, 10:52 PM   #4
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And for a cleaned up version...simply download it from here:

http://www.uploading.com/files/0N9Y...orpdf2.doc.html



(please don't LOL too hard at my layout / editorial attempts )
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Originally Posted by CowsWithGuns
I've been busy getting drunk and yelling at endangered species for being pussies. It's a dehydrating job but someone has to do it.
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Old 02-08-2008, 11:01 PM   #5
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nice comic
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Old 02-08-2008, 11:02 PM   #6
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Yahh for us!!!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bob_Sacamano
i kinda wish we all had a penis and vagina instead of buttholes

i mean no offense to buttholes and poop or anything

Rest in Peace, Troy Davis and Trayvon Martin and Jordan Davis and Eric Garner and Mike Brown
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Old 02-08-2008, 11:04 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blackflag49
I have to say, Jett's story really blew me away.

Congrats all around.

+1
Jett, you are a great writer

and i lol'ed at everything
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And the facade of heterosexualism in the punk and ska forum came crashing down like a fat girl falling off a balcony...
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Old 02-08-2008, 11:14 PM   #8
Jett Diamond
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Oh man! I was rolling around. That was great. I love you all so much. For some reason, I thought it was hilariously appropriate to end with Sargasm's comic, and Christina, you've certainly inspired me to curl. I can't wait for more of these to come out.
And thank you so so much to Yeahyeah and blackflag. I try my damnedest!
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Last edited by Jett Diamond : 02-08-2008 at 11:17 PM.
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Old 02-08-2008, 11:18 PM   #9
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I had high hopes for this, and I wasn't disapponted.
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Old 02-08-2008, 11:18 PM   #10
lolmnt
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jett Diamond
Oh man! I was rolling around. That was great. I love you all so much. For some reason, I thought it was hilariously appropriate to end with Sargasm's comic, and Christina, you've certainly inspired me to curl. I can't wait for more of these to come out.
And thank you so so much to Yeahyeah and blackflag. I try my damnedest!
Yeah I'm going to have to write a serious story now, just to compete
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bob_Sacamano
i kinda wish we all had a penis and vagina instead of buttholes

i mean no offense to buttholes and poop or anything

Rest in Peace, Troy Davis and Trayvon Martin and Jordan Davis and Eric Garner and Mike Brown
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Old 02-08-2008, 11:22 PM   #11
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Yeah, for serious, everyone killed it. Great work guys
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Originally Posted by CowsWithGuns
I've been busy getting drunk and yelling at endangered species for being pussies. It's a dehydrating job but someone has to do it.
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Old 02-08-2008, 11:22 PM   #12
Jett Diamond
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Quote:
Originally Posted by element4433
Yeah I'm going to have to write a serious story now, just to compete

haha yes but while reading your entry I was screaming THAT'S MEEE!!

I came back to say ho damn. If you download it, Christina did an awesome job formatting it.
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Old 02-08-2008, 11:25 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jett Diamond
haha yes but while reading your entry I was screaming THAT'S MEEE!!

I came back to say ho damn. If you download it, Christina did an awesome job formatting it.


I'm happy someone appreciated it! I missed the season premiere of Degrassi on this...which is a big step for me.
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I've been busy getting drunk and yelling at endangered species for being pussies. It's a dehydrating job but someone has to do it.
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Old 02-08-2008, 11:30 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jett Diamond
haha yes but while reading your entry I was screaming THAT'S MEEE!!

I came back to say ho damn. If you download it, Christina did an awesome job formatting it.
Are you a a detective trying to slove the biggest mystery know to the punk forum, or a kid just getting into music?


And thanks alot Cristina for editting this
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bob_Sacamano
i kinda wish we all had a penis and vagina instead of buttholes

i mean no offense to buttholes and poop or anything

Rest in Peace, Troy Davis and Trayvon Martin and Jordan Davis and Eric Garner and Mike Brown
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Old 02-08-2008, 11:35 PM   #15
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Haha 5 years ago I was just a kid gettin' into music. Sadly I'm no detective. But my dad's a private investigator. Any punx points there?
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Old 02-08-2008, 11:36 PM   #16
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Well fellow z0mbiez, I do believe that was the greatest thing I have ever read. Seriously, that was amazing. 40 Punk Rock Points to all you. Especially you Christina, for putting this all together.

I'm already working on my next articles. And Brian, I loved doing a response to your article. We must do it again.
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Last edited by axeslash : 02-08-2008 at 11:40 PM.
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Old 02-08-2008, 11:47 PM   #17
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haha we need some ska in there

but even with out it it rawks pretty effin hard
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CBGB wants to be famous like the others such as Green Day and Offspring. They don't want to be a underground punk band.
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Old 02-08-2008, 11:52 PM   #18
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I'm going to say we should do it roughly every month, as to not kill the concept too fast. Keep in mind we refresh BOTM's (hint hint, people do them!) monthly as well.

Next issue, someone should do an advice column, or a Feedback column
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Originally Posted by CowsWithGuns
I've been busy getting drunk and yelling at endangered species for being pussies. It's a dehydrating job but someone has to do it.
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Old 02-09-2008, 12:22 AM   #19
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Wow, this is top notch! Everyone knocked it out da' park.
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Old 02-09-2008, 12:27 AM   #20
lolmnt
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jett Diamond
Haha 5 years ago I was just a kid gettin' into music. Sadly I'm no detective. But my dad's a private investigator. Any punx points there?
Yes
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bob_Sacamano
i kinda wish we all had a penis and vagina instead of buttholes

i mean no offense to buttholes and poop or anything

Rest in Peace, Troy Davis and Trayvon Martin and Jordan Davis and Eric Garner and Mike Brown
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