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Old 03-27-2014, 03:16 AM   #1
Faux
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"I Ms. U"

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i don't miss the adulterant grasping, desperate (almost)sex and i don't miss you as much as i miss the loneliness We were a- part of something largerthanlife
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Old 03-27-2014, 09:00 AM   #2
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What is this?
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Old 03-27-2014, 09:06 AM   #3
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What is this?


Visual poetry. Look it up.
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Old 03-28-2014, 11:52 AM   #4
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Visual poetry. Look it up.


If I change the size of the text to make it 'larger' or separate the word 'apart' to give it effect? I know what it is. It's just not that good.
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Old 03-28-2014, 12:40 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by slipknot836
If I change the size of the text to make it 'larger' or separate the word 'apart' to give it effect? I know what it is. It's just not that good.



Some people do enjoy it though. To each their own I guess

A more constructive criticism of the piece than "What is this?" would be to actually detail why it doesn't work in this case. I'll take a shot at it shall I.

In my opinion every visual component of a piece like this has to be inseparable from the meaning of the thing. By that definition Faux, I think you're one out of two. a - part is brilliant in that you've emphasized two meanings: being a part of something thing and being apart from each other.

"largerthanlife" is a little too aesthetic and nothing else. If you see what I mean.

Other than that I enjoyed the poem. Good job.
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Old 03-29-2014, 03:06 AM   #6
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Thanks! I definitely see what you mean about the larger. It's the obvious choice and hence loses power. I was thinking about putting commas here: "as much as i, miss, the loneliness", but i wanted both meanings to be able to be drawn as one so i tried to hint at it with the title. I am not completely satisfied with the title though. Titles are the hardest part for me. I also thought about capitalizing "Loneliness" to personify it more, but decided that might come off a bit cliche. I had a second version with "graspingdesperate" as one word, which i really like, but I couldn't find an arrangement with that in it that I liked.

Glad you enjoyed it! It is the first poem I have written in a very long time since I mostly stopped writing poetry when I started writing song lyrics. E.E Cummings is my favorite poet if that wasn't apparent

Last edited by Faux : 03-29-2014 at 03:10 AM.
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Old 03-29-2014, 05:02 AM   #7
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Personally I really like this as it is, it's very charming in it's matter of factness and brevity.

I'm glad that you couldn't make "graspingdesperate" fit, I think it would have ruined the overall texture.
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Old 03-29-2014, 08:49 AM   #8
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~SNIP~

Glad you enjoyed it! It is the first poem I have written in a very long time since I mostly stopped writing poetry when I started writing song lyrics. E.E Cummings is my favorite poet if that wasn't apparent


Yeah, I can see the ol' E.E in this. But then again I don't see people experimenting with this style anymore. Not often anyway.

It's quite easy to complain that the visual element is pointless in a traditionally spoken medium. So when people use it to inject meaning into their poetry despite the naysayers, when they take poetry past those man-made boundaries into the realms of art, then I can't help but appreciate it. Experimenting is where it's at for me.

Thanks again for letting us read this.
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