Go Back   UG Community @ Ultimate-Guitar.Com > Music > Songwriting & Lyrics
User Name  
Password
Search:

Reply
Old 04-04-2016, 05:22 AM   #1
Jammydude44
Bad Santa
 
Jammydude44's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
The Searchers

infinity irises, gravity waves
pumpkin grins and devil's gaze
bitumen brimmed full of azure
a loop of string in the bottom drawer
her moniker's multiplicate
mitosis behind the bathroom's gate
but her hips betray the changing face
as we negotiate the meeting place

soul searchers in the midnight west
two time-hoppers in their tin-lined box
shacked up showmen on the metre of a sonnet
on the shoulders of a comet edging closer to death

scraping skylines where angels dare
a hotel built on a ten-second stare
Valhalla mannequins
disco dance in the atrium

soul searchers in the midnight west
two time-hoppers in their tin-lined box
shacked up showmen on the metre of a sonnet
on the shoulders of a comet edging closer to death

soul searchers in the midnight west
two time-hoppers in their tin-lined box
shacked up showmen on the metre of a sonnet
on the shoulders of a comet edging closer to death
Jammydude44 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-20-2016, 02:13 PM   #2
Aeolian Harmony
center embedded
 
Aeolian Harmony's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Internal rhyming stands out in particular here:

Quote:
shacked up showmen on the metre of a sonnet
on the shoulders of a comet edging closer to death


Done so there's the effect but subtle enough to not be campy
Aeolian Harmony is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-20-2016, 02:30 PM   #3
Herr Rararr
Registered User
 
Herr Rararr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
I really like this - I like the structure, I had to look up a couple of words (mitosis), but it has a very clear style and feel to it.

The only change I would make is the 'face/place' rhyme, it feels a little old and out of place with the style of the rest of the piece. Otherwise the imagery is superb and as Aeolian points out, a lovely meter with sonnet/comet.
__________________
|
'....even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked...."

Do me a favour, pop into Songwriting & Lyrics and add a comment to one thread, any thread, but contribute.

----

www.soundcloud.com/christobaldo
Herr Rararr is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-20-2016, 08:06 PM   #4
Aeolian Harmony
center embedded
 
Aeolian Harmony's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
I actually like the face/place rhyme. It kind of stamps down a little on the end of the stanza (if that makes any sense at all).

What bothers me about the final line (the one ending in "place") is the number of feet. It seems like it could be reworded to include another syllable. "Negotiate" presents a clunky pattern of syllables in the line.

Still pretty good
Aeolian Harmony is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-21-2016, 05:31 PM   #5
Jammydude44
Bad Santa
 
Jammydude44's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
You're both spot on picking up on the metre in that line. It's pretty shoddy, I'm usually sharper but I'm also fairly lazy nowadays (just watch how long it takes me to give you a crit back...). Thanks for your thoughtful replies.
Jammydude44 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-21-2016, 05:47 PM   #6
Herr Rararr
Registered User
 
Herr Rararr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Happy to - it's a pleasure to read other people's work.

I know what you mean about the lazy thing - I can (normally) tell where the weakest part of something I've written is and the trick is revising and revising until you know you can leave it. But sometimes, I like the imperfections.
__________________
|
'....even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked...."

Do me a favour, pop into Songwriting & Lyrics and add a comment to one thread, any thread, but contribute.

----

www.soundcloud.com/christobaldo
Herr Rararr is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-21-2016, 08:13 PM   #7
Aeolian Harmony
center embedded
 
Aeolian Harmony's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
So-called imperfections and deviations from each other's preferred techniques are... style
Aeolian Harmony is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-21-2016, 10:25 PM   #8
culex-knight
mon titre d'utilisateur
 
culex-knight's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: In the bucket at the end of time.
Solid stuff, as usual.

On the face/place stuff: I actually like it. The pacing is still great at that point, and the off meter sort of brings closure to the stanza with some leading expectation.
__________________
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching
culex-knight is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 07:34 AM.

Forum Archives / About / TOS / Advertise with us / Customer Support / Ultimate-Guitar.Com © 2016
Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.0.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.