04-20-2013, 07:21 PM
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#1 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2013
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Crow
A sonnet I wrote, mainly to see if I could. About unappreciated beauty and noblity where you would expect to find none, along with some left-wing overtones.
To the air, Freedom lifts her star-black knight With a flurry of glossimer petals And a derisive cack. Avail of flight Away from dangers on the Earth befell The unwary rodent; insinuous Feline death holds no fear, nor the mongrel With savage jaws. Through skies continuous The Scavenger Angel makes all humble Yet dark Shadows over-head loom An ancient fear that fills the mind: The Hawk, airborne herald of doom, Monarch, bane of all Freedom's kind; Swoops for Innocence on the wing - The lowly Knight defies her King. |
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04-25-2013, 03:26 PM
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#2 | |
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Registered User
Join Date: Jan 2011
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i don't have much experience with sonnets, but i think this is well executed overall, the main thing that stands out to me is that some of the punctuation interrupts the flow when i read this out loud, but that is pretty simple to fix just by playing around a bit.
Quote:
i do however feel this line is a bit forced, which is necessary to maintain the rhyming pattern, but might be something to consider. i like the complex imagery throughout (though i find myself yearning for slightly more cohesion in your use of metaphor) and the final two lines (a subtle volta?) give good closure. it requires a lot of skill to write in strict classical forms, and this came out well  |
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