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Old 11-02-2014, 11:33 AM   #1
hippieboy444
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she said something about the surface of mars when what she meant was the moon, like mistaking the forest for the forest fire in the long minutes of silence between exhales we cross the state line and then return, travelling in reverse on the shoulder. i never doubted how long this sojourn would last, but from the bedroom window the distance seemed less surprising and the scenery less repetitive the same three miles of road copied and pasted across this endless cosmic plane of interstate highway &gazing into the rearview until i see sunspots i assure myself that it really is this boring: to arrive, to be here, pop clutch /shift; another joke ive told myself until i have the sound of the punchline memorized: the amplitude and angular frequency the syllables formed at 300mph elicit in the cool room of my thoughts &from the passenger seat shes pining for a level of trust i have yet to ascend, like a crystal staircase made of melted beer bottles and sunlight leaning to some defined number of degrees and really, what could i say besides i was never skilled in measuring the angles that comprise the configuration of the soul.
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Old 11-03-2014, 06:23 PM   #2
seventh_angel
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I really loved this, man.

But I have to say, I feel that the third stanza's too wordy. There are many words in there that don't sound very poetic to me, especially in comparisson with the rest of the piece, like "interstate highway" "memorized" "amplitude", those don't flow very well within this piece.

But, great great read. It's nice to see your structure tidier than usual.

Also, I'll take advantage to thank you for your inputs on most things in here; you give some life to this place, and, as a mod in here, I wanna say thank you
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Old 11-03-2014, 09:06 PM   #3
hippieboy444
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thanks for checking this out. yeah, i feel the third stanza. i'll see waht i can do.

i never figured out how to end the older piece you commented on a while back. i hate when that happens.

glad to contribute. i owe a lot to this here forum. it's been a trip for sure!
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Old 11-04-2014, 01:07 AM   #4
culex-knight
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I really liked this.
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Old 11-04-2014, 02:26 AM   #5
jiminizzle
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I thought it started a little slow, like the first two stanzas feel a bit too disjointed and take a while to hit stride in meaning or rhythm and it circles what feels like the true onset of the poem without sufficiently revealing it but once that happens im with it the rest of the way. It's interesting at most junctures. I like that mars and forest fires and state lines made it into your landscape. Ive of course been moved by those things recently.
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Old 11-04-2014, 11:08 AM   #6
hippieboy444
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yeah, i was inspired by your poem and used the state line image. the mars/moon part was inspired by a kevin opstedal poem. you may have turned me on to him - didn't you start an older piece with his line about an albatross drumstick marinated in phosphorescent kool-aid?
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Old 11-04-2014, 12:48 PM   #7
jiminizzle
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Actually I think that was probably erich (broken coastline), I remember it too and he's the one who introduced me to opstedal as well one night when he put me up in northern virginia so id bet on it. I can see a little of opstedals weird flare im this.
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Old 11-04-2014, 04:35 PM   #8
hippieboy444
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yeah, that's right. opstedal is tight!
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Old 11-04-2014, 09:40 PM   #9
brokencoastline
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Opstedal is huge for me. I was just rereading "Goodbye Kodachrome" by him earlier today for sentimental reasons. I'm glad other people here are enjoying him.

I think that slow start Jimmy mentions is, for me, a sort of disjointedness (to steal his word) in that the first two lines of the poem are very engaging, but I can't make the leap with you to forests vs. forest fires and exhales somehow. It's a bit of a stretch and we've only just begun.

The second stanza seems to wander a little. "Sojourn" sticks out, and things being both less surprising and less repetitive is hard to conceptualize. I'm not sure what to make of the journey given both, but what happens if you only include one of those?

The last two stanzas are very satisfying, though. I see some scraps of Opstedalian (new word?) phrasing and imagery but it's not distracting or overpowering. "cosmic plane of interstate highway" is wonderful. There's a bit of an admittance of defeat made beautiful at the end, I think, and if that's what you're going for it's subtle and apparent all at once.
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Old 11-04-2014, 09:57 PM   #10
hippieboy444
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well, the narrator is trying to say that the distance wouldn't be as long (surprising in this way) and more interesting (less repetitive). however, i'll consider what i can do. i agree that the beginning is definitely the weak point of the piece.

yeah, Opstedal is growing on me a lot, more and more each day. such agony in his poems.

Last edited by hippieboy444 : 11-04-2014 at 09:58 PM.
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