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Old 04-20-2015, 05:18 PM   #1
Pastafarian96
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Clutter, Length, Blood, Cables, Mind.

Clutter

give me a cigarette
you can't have one
give me a drink
you can't have one
give me a viper
you can't have one
give me a needle
you can't have one
give me a pill
you can't have one
give me my vices
you don't need them


Length

give me her gaze
you won't get it
give me her lips
you won't get it
give me her body
you won't get it
give me her hand
you won't get it
give me her blood
you won't get it
give me my love
she'll never see it

Blood

take this food
I don't want it
take this bed
I don't want it
take this water
I don't want it
take this oxygen
I don't want it
take this lifeline
I don't want it
take your existence
I don't deserve it

Cables

give me a knife
you won't take it
give me poison
you won't use it
give me a gun
you won't hold it
give me a rope
you can't tie it
give me a cancer
you'll survive it
But I deserve it
no-one gets what they deserve

Mind

Give me my vices
They'll kill you
give me my love
she'll taint you
take your existence

Give it away
bring me my death
because I deserve it
the things I've done
only redouble this
You'll get it when we say
because you don't deserve freedom
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Quote:
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like an emo Jesus

"he cried for your feels"
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Old 04-20-2015, 06:49 PM   #2
seventh_angel
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I liked this.
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Old 04-21-2015, 02:18 AM   #3
Pastafarian96
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a-thank you.
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si accepero tempus ego dilexi vos

Honoured friend of Harvey Swick

Pride in my work

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bladez22
like an emo Jesus

"he cried for your feels"
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Old 04-21-2015, 09:08 AM   #4
jcscullery
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This I like
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Old 04-21-2015, 10:12 AM   #5
doubtfulsalmon
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First four sections are killer.

I don't think the final section is the right ending to this though, I think it would be stronger ended on "no-one gets what they deserve". This is firstly because this a clearer, bolder statement than your current ending but also because the final stanza forces a conclusion on the reader they could've drawn themselves, it just tells us what you've spent the entire piece showing us.
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Old 04-21-2015, 03:58 PM   #6
Pastafarian96
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Quote:
Originally Posted by doubtfulsalmon
First four sections are killer.

I don't think the final section is the right ending to this though, I think it would be stronger ended on "no-one gets what they deserve". This is firstly because this a clearer, bolder statement than your current ending but also because the final stanza forces a conclusion on the reader they could've drawn themselves, it just tells us what you've spent the entire piece showing us.

that thought ran through my mind, but I actually wrote the last section/individual poem with the intention that it could be omitted. However when you're going through depression (was) and pouring your heart into things, sometimes complex poetic devices just aren't a high priority.

I'll consider a future rewrite.
__________________
si accepero tempus ego dilexi vos

Honoured friend of Harvey Swick

Pride in my work

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bladez22
like an emo Jesus

"he cried for your feels"
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Old 04-23-2015, 02:09 AM   #7
Harvey Swick
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this was nice. After I read it a few times over the past few days, I found i could relate to almost everything in this piece. It was very well written and you should be proud of all the emotion that it conveys. Reading this even helped me visualize some of my own issues and put them into a different light.
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Old 05-08-2015, 08:08 PM   #8
Mrrula
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I am totally loving the style and the composition of this, it is really unique and touching. I especially enjoy the "Cables" part, it seems to be talking about persona's inner indecision and disorientation.
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Old 05-15-2015, 04:01 AM   #9
addseo1115
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Glad to see your lyrics. Thanks for posting.
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