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Old 09-04-2014, 05:14 PM   #1
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Bla-bla-bla My latest song, "Let Me In"

Here is my newest song. I'm a female guitarist so it plays like a Heart song. Soft rock ballad, along the lines of "Alone". Hope you like it, any criticism or advice is welcome.

Let Me In

The moon shines on our bed
Looks like a halo on your head
Candles burning low in crystal glass
Darkness soothes my eyes
Your breath comes easy on your sighs

Baby, Oh my baby
Let me in

I reach out my fingertip
and trace the shape of your sweet lips
Summer loveín hunny makes me weak

Breezes cools our skin
Sleep tickles at my cheek

Yeah yeah yeah, let me in.

All your stuff I want to hear,
All your stories, all your ills
All your hurts and
All your frail-ties, too

Angers and your sorrows,
for all of our tomorrows
Tell me baby, tell me,
Let me in.

OOOOO Yeah, yeah yeah
Share your burden with me now
I know that I can help you through.
Everything is easier when shared

Baby now you arenít alone
Donít be afraid anymore
Lover, my sweet love
Let me in.
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Old 09-04-2014, 05:38 PM   #2
big gay celadon crocodile
Ganoosh's Avatar
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Fat and Easy, Georgia, America
Hey, you're like a commenting tornado!

Such a nice message here, but I think you're confused about what kind of tone you're trying to go for. To me, it seems like somebody having to repeat "let me in" would be really frustrated, wanting to get in the other person's head and being denied. If it wasn't frustrating, the song would be about how you're glad he *does* let you in, no?

So with that going on, you mix it in with lots of really upbeat, positive-sounding images; the breeze cools your skin, the moonlit candles burning, eyes "soothing". Sleep is tickling you.

Don't you think if the other person really has these dark burdenous issues to share, it's going to be a much more tense atmosphere? I don't know, I just felt like there was a disconnect there.

Once again though, it's a great thing to start with. You just have to play with the language to make sure you're saying what you want to say
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Ganoosh is offline   Reply With Quote

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