05-14-2008, 12:55 PM
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#1 |
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Hardcore Rocker
Join Date: Mar 2008
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Goodbye
Goodbye
Innocence is a waste of death And optimism a waste of breath, Just like you and I Me and you And how I hate to say we’re through. There’s nothing left to say or do, I’m done here. Wasting my time, Losing my mind I’m an innocent bystander In this war we wage, Against ourselves Why cant we disengage? And go our separate ways, Forget we ever cared that way. Because somehow we know, Even though we may deny, This is our rock, And upon this rock we do rely. But it’s much too little Far too late. The time is near, We must complete the task we’ve always feared; To sever the bond we’ve tried so hard to make, But there’s nothing left to save, But wasted time and lost memories. And so with this I bid you well, And wish you better luck. I’m done here sitting in this hell, While in this place I’m stuck. I’m sure one day our paths will cross again, But until then, Goodbye. This is my fav of the ones I've written. Crit would be nice. I will of course crit back. Thanks. P.S. If you like it read this way, try reading it out loud with a little bit of an "emo" touch if ya know what I mean. Soften the voice as you go so at the end it's almost a whisper. I love it out loud.
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 Rock On HARDCORE Please crit this. My fav piece that I've written. Goodbye Forum for tattoo artists/painting and drawing: Electronic Ink Last edited by nugznbudz : 05-15-2008 at 11:50 AM. |
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05-14-2008, 03:29 PM
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#2 |
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C(k)=Epsilon(ijk)A(i)B(j)
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Asymmetric Tensored Hilbert Space
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bump. I'll be back as soon as I can. May be a couple days... things aren't going as planned right now. If I'm not back by Sunday, send me a PM with this link and the phrase "fuck you"
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05-14-2008, 05:14 PM
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#3 | |
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Hardcore Rocker
Join Date: Mar 2008
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Quote:
lol ok will do
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Rock On HARDCORE Please crit this. My fav piece that I've written. Goodbye Forum for tattoo artists/painting and drawing: Electronic Ink |
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05-14-2008, 05:46 PM
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#4 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Oct 2006
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pretty cool dude, i really liked the whoel,t hing. 9/10
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(We are) The anti-cancer (We are) The only answer Stripped down, we want you dead But what's inside of me, you'll never know (We are) Bipolar gods (We are) You know what we are |
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05-14-2008, 08:55 PM
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#5 |
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Hardcore Rocker
Join Date: Mar 2008
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thanks dude
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Rock On HARDCORE Please crit this. My fav piece that I've written. Goodbye Forum for tattoo artists/painting and drawing: Electronic Ink |
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05-15-2008, 12:20 PM
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#6 |
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yabba dabba doo
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: the living room
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i felt that a good 80% of this poem was saying things for the sake of saying them, almost as if your emotions are completely feigned and you have no real life experiences.
the rhyming is totally dr. seuss and none of the content is original. in fact, it's all fairly cliche.
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there are more ways of experiencing the heavens and the earth than are dreamed of in your philosophy |
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05-15-2008, 12:37 PM
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#7 | |
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Hardcore Rocker
Join Date: Mar 2008
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Haha sorry to laugh but that's kinda funny. Just the fact that 100% of this came from a personal experience that cut me very deeply. And I'm not sure what kind of Dr Seuss you read growing up, but I sure as hell never saw any of those words. Thanks for the crit though it's your opinion and you're entitled to it, it just so happens that I don't agree with any of it.
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Rock On HARDCORE Please crit this. My fav piece that I've written. Goodbye Forum for tattoo artists/painting and drawing: Electronic Ink |
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05-15-2008, 01:41 PM
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#8 |
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yabba dabba doo
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: the living room
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i'm not saying it didn't come from personal experience, i'm saying you wrote it as though it didn't. i'm also not saying you used the same words as dr. seuss, i'm saying you used a similar rhyme scheme.
learn to take criticism in stride. or, i guess you could ignore it and keep writing SPECTACULAR pieces like this one. and don't expect your dick to get sucked every time you post some lyrics.
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there are more ways of experiencing the heavens and the earth than are dreamed of in your philosophy Last edited by Arthur Curry : 05-15-2008 at 01:52 PM. |
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05-15-2008, 08:28 PM
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#9 |
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C(k)=Epsilon(ijk)A(i)B(j)
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Asymmetric Tensored Hilbert Space
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Yeah... I was gonna go through and line by line this... but every comment would say the exact same thing. "Meh, twas ok... but nothing great." Let me explain.
Here's the deal, this piece may mean something to you... but what you've written here doesn't show it in any way shape or form. You have words on a page... you need to get your life on the page for a piece as emotionally driven as this to work. There are no lines here that wow me, the rhymes cheapen the entire thing by making it almost childish in how it reads. I don't mean to sound like an ass, I'm just being flagrantly honest in order to show you what I mean. The rhymes were obvious, they were boring, they were safe. You need to be on the edge... if you are writing a piece as cliche in idea as this, and you want it to be memorable you need to do something original. You, to be blunt, didn't. You wrote a safe piece with boring rhymes and little to no technical shenanigans. Here's the long and short of it. Re-write this piece... but this time, do something drastic. Write how you felt instead of telling the story, be pissed off, use alliterations, drop the rhyming scheme... attack the piece with some fury. Write something more memorable than the same poem that's been written a thousand times... your future writing will thank you. -zC
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05-17-2008, 09:50 PM
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Hardcore Rocker
Join Date: Mar 2008
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thanks man. kinda harsh, but constructive. I like that. thanks
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Rock On HARDCORE Please crit this. My fav piece that I've written. Goodbye Forum for tattoo artists/painting and drawing: Electronic Ink |
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08-04-2008, 12:55 AM
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#11 |
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x
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: mexico city
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bump.
thanks for critting my piece, ill try to get to this tomorrow. EDIT: damn, i had written a full reply, but i was having internet problems so i lost it. i'll be brief this time. your rhymes are elementary, it seems that you came up with a line, looked up on a rhyming dictionary for a rhyme and chose the most predictable, safe, overused ones. well/hell, mind/time, through/do, luck/stuck, they are so overused, not trying to be mean but its true. thats not the only problem though. those rhymes by itself could be used effectively depending the circumstances but when overused rhymes meet cliche ideas and rhyming schemes, things tend to not work that well. i see that youre trying though, you tried to make this personal, which is good. my advice is to keep writing, write as much as you can. i seconds zach's advice, rewrite this piece entirely, take into account the feedback you recieved. write it in a different style, experiment with different techniques, make it you. it also seems that half of the piece was saying the same thing over and over, you could probably narrow this to 8 lines or something. ask yourself if you really need everyline, if you dont need one, scrap it, simple. sometimes you'll come up with a great line when you're writing a piece, but it just doesn't fit the piece, okay, save it for another piece, dont force things. dont be afraid to try different rhyming schemes, be creative. Last edited by cubs : 08-04-2008 at 10:41 PM. |
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