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Old 08-01-2008, 07:41 AM   #1
andychalmers102
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Sydney, Australia
Poor Excuse/Hey Little Johnny

crit4crit as always


Is this the catch?
Are you for real?
No string attached,
No misinterpretations.

Your try to forge,
A life like this,
But the end,
You always come crawling back.

Look at whom the cat dragged in,
Youíve been rejected once again,
I wish I had the power to pretend.

Scratching through the stench of your pretension,
Everything you see is your invention,
And I canít stand to hear your claims to glory,
Because in the end,
Itís just a poor excuse.

As you emerge,
Through the smoke,
I see every scar,
Every nut and bolt,

I read your face,
Like you read my mind,
You see the carnage,
I left behind.

Look at whom the cat dragged in,
Youíve been rejected once again,
I wish I had the power to pretend.

Scratching through the stench of your pretension,
Everything you see is your invention,
And I canít stand to hear your claims to glory,
Because in the end,
Itís just a poor excuse.

The voices in your head tell you:
Hey little Johnny,
Youíll be just fine,
Ignore all those who criticize,
Screw them all,
Just live your life,
And ignore the screech of your decline,
Hey little Johnny,
Youíll be just fine.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jimbleton
ok, as usual pit is being very unhelpful except andychalmers, so im gonna go post this someplace else


And a master of storytelling...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jackolas
andychalmers102, that story is awesome.
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Old 08-02-2008, 04:18 AM   #2
Guitar_Poet
UG Newbie
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Quote:
Originally Posted by andychalmers102
crit4crit as always


Is this the catch?
Are you for real?
No string attached,
No misinterpretations.
misinterpretations seems a bit long and kind of disrupts the flow so far

Your try to forge,
A life like this,
But the end,
You always come crawling back.
i think "your" should be "you".. correct? otherwise, this part seems a little short, and some of the lines should be combined to smooth out the flow a little. if you like the lines, take the commas off the ends of them =). you should but an "in" after the "but" in "but the end"

Look at whom the cat dragged in,
Youíve been rejected once again,
I wish I had the power to pretend.
"whom" should just be "who" here. otherwise i like this part

Scratching through the stench of your pretension,
Everything you see is your invention,
And I canít stand to hear your claims to glory,
Because in the end,
Itís just a poor excuse.
not bad. id recommend combining the last two lines though

As you emerge,
Through the smoke,
I see every scar,
Every nut and bolt,

I read your face,
Like you read my mind,
You see the carnage,
I left behind.
these two arent bad, just way shorter than the rest of it so they seem a little out of place... but i like them.

Look at whom the cat dragged in,
Youíve been rejected once again,
I wish I had the power to pretend.

Scratching through the stench of your pretension,
Everything you see is your invention,
And I canít stand to hear your claims to glory,
Because in the end,
Itís just a poor excuse.

The voices in your head tell you:
Hey little Johnny,
Youíll be just fine,
Ignore all those who criticize,
Screw them all,
Just live your life,
And ignore the screech of your decline,
from "ignore" to "decline"... this part is a little awkward. i like the message but perhaps reword it a bit?
Hey little Johnny,
Youíll be just fine.


aside from all that, it was pretty good let me know what you think of "relish" [sig]. the other one is pretty short too, so if youre bored give it a peek too

Last edited by Guitar_Poet : 08-02-2008 at 04:21 AM.
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Old 08-02-2008, 04:27 AM   #3
nugznbudz
Hardcore Rocker
 
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Join Date: Mar 2008
alright so i agree, a few things could be tweaked here and there grammatically and flow-wise, but no need to restate what someone else already said. i must add though that i give you a solid pat on the back for representing a cleche idea in a new light. i think alot of people have been through situations such as this, and it's a cool way to put it into writing.
Also, the last stanza threw me off a lil bit, idk if you're switching back and forth from what the voices are saying and what you're saying back, or if its all just the voices. kinda confusing. a little set apart conceptually speaking from the rest of the poem as well. i would just nix the last stanza. c4c? "Sick Riffs and Deadly Sniffs"
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Please crit this. My fav piece that I've written.
Goodbye

Forum for tattoo artists/painting and drawing: Electronic Ink
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Old 08-03-2008, 08:16 AM   #4
BassTang
as found by Lassie
 
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by andychalmers102
crit4crit as always


Is this the catch?
Are you for real?
No string attached,
No misinterpretations.
I like the first 3 lines, but i feel like misinterpretations is the wrong choice - kinda destroys the flow a little.

You try to forge,
A life like this,
But in the end,
You always come crawling back.
Last line seems to be too long for this stanza, although i think the previous lines could be longer, maybe combining the first two lines and adding something to the second. For some reason i could see a reeli good line to do with forging - flames, machinery, metal. Something like that

Look at whom the cat dragged in,
Youíve been rejected once again,
I wish I had the power to pretend.
Should be 'who' i think, but otherwise reeli good. Nice hook.

Scratching through the stench of your pretension,
Everything you see is your invention,
And I canít stand to hear your claims to glory,
Because in the end,
Itís just a poor excuse.
Really like the first two lines. I would add another line to rhyme with glory, otherwise the previous rhyme may seem out of place. But, at the same time, another line may well diminish the power of the first two, which would b a shame. Perhaps combine the last two lines instead.

As you emerge,
Through the smoke,
I see every scar,
Every nut and bolt,
I like the imagery here.

I read your face,
Like you read my mind,
You see the carnage,
I left behind.
And here. Perhaps these two stanzas are a little short in comparision to the others, but with the right use of melody i think this could work well.

Look at whom the cat dragged in,
Youíve been rejected once again,
I wish I had the power to pretend.

Scratching through the stench of your pretension,
Everything you see is your invention,
And I canít stand to hear your claims to glory,
Because in the end,
Itís just a poor excuse.

The voices in your head tell you:
Hey little Johnny,
Youíll be just fine,
Ignore all those who criticize,
Screw them all,
Just live your life,
And ignore the screech of your decline,
Hey little Johnny,
Youíll be just fine.
I like 'hey little johnny, you'll b just fine'. I think that works well as an outro. The rest im not so sure about.


All in all i thought it was good and could work well with the right music. Good message too and the voices idea was really interesting. A few little changes to make i think, but nothing major. I'm in no real position to critisize anybody, but thats what i thought of it. Thanks for the crit man
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