Go Back   UG Community @ Ultimate-Guitar.Com > Music > Songwriting & Lyrics
User Name  

Old 09-30-2008, 10:12 AM   #1
ha ha funny
trackmind's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2006
a night in the so called city

their hands full of liquor bottles,
smiles like crescent moons
angles of 45 degrees.
every whipser,
a reason for their
weekely entertainment.

every hole is red.
every light is blue.
every limb like a mute church bell.
nothing to do
but to leave.
trackmind is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-30-2008, 12:01 PM   #2
il trovatore
spike_8bkp's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: the road.
It's a start. There is potential here, but you barely skim the surface of it, seemingly content with a short and not-so-ambiguous little poem of little importance or desire to be so. Take this and run with it, and go spend a night roaming your favorite city streets with a notebook and pen. I want to read what you return with.
demand life.
spike_8bkp is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-30-2008, 02:49 PM   #3
ha ha funny
trackmind's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2006
i agree with you. it's an ots piece and i didn't really give it much time (i think i wrote it in like 15 minutes), so it feels really incomplete and kind of rushed. i think i'll might try to expand this piece, or at least write a new piece dealing with the same kind of subject sometime in the future.


more crit is welcome, of course.
trackmind is offline   Reply With Quote

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:25 AM.

Forum Archives / About / TOS / Advertise with us / Customer Support / Ultimate-Guitar.Com © 2016
Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.0.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.