10-03-2008, 02:28 AM
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#1 |
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Registered User
Join Date: May 2008
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Alliteration! Worthy Foe...
I'm so sick of alliteration
Because it's taking up my time Just studying every word Every letter, every line To see if there's a pattern In the nonsense I jot down Something deeper than the meaning Brought on by a pleasant sound They call me crazy... Well I haven't slept in days And something seems off My mind must be a maze Because I get lost in my own thoughts Staring at the ceiling As though it were the void Is it too much to ask For me to stop being so annoyed I think I've ascended To a whole other level From where I once was Pale and disheveled I'd call myself enlightened If I thought it was enough But as it stands there's nothing To describe what I've become Made this in ten minutes, don't care how good it is because I like it. Could add a chorus and another verse or bridge, but w/e. C4C |
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10-03-2008, 02:36 AM
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#2 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Sep 2005
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change the name to "irony"
i kinda like it.
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10-03-2008, 02:59 AM
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#3 |
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one among the Fence
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Star IV
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i love it for what it is, pure and simple. Yeah, its nothing incredible, but the irony and humour behind the lines are very pleasant. I would suggest maybe another chorus and verse. but thats just me. I wanna see more! link in my sig (Nighttime)
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10-03-2008, 05:14 AM
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#4 |
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Registered User
Join Date: May 2008
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Stanza one flowed very well, and had great word selection. Stanza two did not, and approached the same concept with pale, cliched diction. Stanza three had an awkward word selection, but was far more interesting in word choice.
As a whole, the piece started off interesting, and was pretty good about keeping my interest, though the middle stanza threw it off. In the end, it's a fun read, and semi-relatable.
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