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Old 10-01-2008, 05:21 PM   #1
bluesybilly
Worlds Biggest Douche
 
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Location: Land of the Douche
The Advice of Men

I've handed out more wounds than i would dare take,
which adds up to a lifetime without much change.
souls sharp like rain,
and dreams of false kings,
that's what you get when you never face the world,
then you turn around to realize
all women just want another women,
all men just want someone to tell them no.

A wise sage once muttered to me words I'll never forget,
"Don't waste your time son, you'll regret it later."
I just tossed him off as a wino and continued on my way,
but I think about him now and then and maybe
he had it right, maybe he saw in me what I
am just starting to get a glimpse of now.

I don't believe people who say they have no regrets,
no remorse maybe, but never no regrets.
Think about anyone you've ever loved, lost, or stolen,
and then tell me you regret the way your life turned out,
thats what they would say to me.
I tossed them off as self righteous pricks and continued on my way,
Well every love i ever had I had to steal,
and every love i never had I never lost.

I tried to sell my memories to the whore behind the counter,
of the brokedown pawn shop in this breakdown city,
but she didn't want the ones i wanted to get rid of,
apparently they are the only ones i need.

We can go about our days and never think of the reasons,
we never get to look God in the eye,
It's because the truth scares the hell out of us,
and lies are so much more exciting to believe.

Last edited by bluesybilly : 12-22-2008 at 03:05 AM.
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Old 10-01-2008, 07:37 PM   #2
themarsvolta
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Illinois
"All women jsut want another woman" So true. This piece was full of great lines. "I don't bleieve people who say they have no regrets." was great as was "I've handed out more wounds that I could ever take " I don't much to complain about content wise (except for "shattered dreams and broken souls" you could do better than that), however, I thinkt he presentation could use some tweaking. I think this piece would be better off in paragraph form. Just a thought. Anyways, nice job, man.

Crit mine please
Cup O' Joe

By the way, the guy in your avatar looks like Collin Greenwood from Radiohead. Just thought you should know.
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Old 10-02-2008, 04:31 PM   #3
AngryGoldfish
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- "Shattered dreams and broken souls," - Don't like this line, personally.

- "but I think about him now and then and maybe
he had it right, maybe he saw in me what I
am just starting to get a glimpse of now" - This might read better without a "but" starting this section, and a full stop previously. Also adding 'how' after "and" and before "maybe". This is a great idea, but it does feel lazily written.

I'm afraid I don't have a lot more to say. If I stated all my querries and you abided by them, then it would turn into something less disorientated and more structured, which in the long run would totally ruin it.
I'll stop blabbering now.
Well done, I really enjoyed this.

Digitally Clean
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Old 10-03-2008, 12:41 AM   #4
ZanasCross
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This was fun to read. A lot of gold buried underneath a bit of spam here and there. You're good enough to pick out what i mean; there are parts of this that just talk in circles around itself which is no good in a piece this direct. Tangents + Blunt = bad. Stay on cue, throw out those gorgeous snippets I love you for, and this becomes exceedingly gorgeous. As it is, there's just a bit too much around the edges to hit as hard as it should.
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