bigwilly

Any suggestions, compliments, critiques? Let me know if theres anything you want my to crit back for you...

The breeze blew by
And it spoke in your ear
It said the time was right
To escape from your fears
But you held the burden
Was it worth the pain?
Clutching to fear
Trying to stay sane

Well, the moment’s passed
The chance gone by
It’s been too long
The opportunity’s gone
Tell me, do you want to rewind?
To go back in time
One last chance to find
All that you left behind

You still struggle on
And you long for change
Asking how much it would cost
To save all that was lost
But when the time was right
You faded off in the night
Yes, when the time was right
You faded off in the night

EDIT: At this point, I probably don't want many more critiques on this. I completely re-vamped the whole piece this afternoon. I'm still working some obvious kinks out, but next week when I have some free time I'll probably update this with the new version.

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swgb24

I would say that this was pretty damn good, but I would expand, try to add maybe a chorus, a bridge, another verse. Also, the last few lines, while flowing well, seemed... off. I'm not sure how to explain it, unfortunately.

bigwilly

I was thinking that too. In a sense I'm telling a story about myself with this. And as I reread it multiple times, I realized the last lines didn't really follow my story, that they were out of touch. I actually started to change them, but haven't found anything I was satisfied with.

I'll try and add more things like a chorus, and see how it goes, then I'll repost it or edit soon. Although the rest of this week will be pretty busy, so I might not get the changes up for a while...

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