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Old 09-30-2008, 04:45 PM   #1
bigwilly
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When the time was right

Any suggestions, compliments, critiques? Let me know if theres anything you want my to crit back for you...

The breeze blew by
And it spoke in your ear
It said the time was right
To escape from your fears
But you held the burden
Was it worth the pain?
Clutching to fear
Trying to stay sane

Well, the momentís passed
The chance gone by
Itís been too long
The opportunityís gone
Tell me, do you want to rewind?
To go back in time
One last chance to find
All that you left behind

You still struggle on
And you long for change
Asking how much it would cost
To save all that was lost
But when the time was right
You faded off in the night
Yes, when the time was right
You faded off in the night

EDIT: At this point, I probably don't want many more critiques on this. I completely re-vamped the whole piece this afternoon. I'm still working some obvious kinks out, but next week when I have some free time I'll probably update this with the new version.
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Last edited by bigwilly : 10-02-2008 at 06:24 PM.
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Old 10-01-2008, 05:59 PM   #2
swgb24
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I would say that this was pretty damn good, but I would expand, try to add maybe a chorus, a bridge, another verse. Also, the last few lines, while flowing well, seemed... off. I'm not sure how to explain it, unfortunately.
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Old 10-02-2008, 08:21 AM   #3
bigwilly
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Quote:
Originally Posted by swgb24
I would say that this was pretty damn good, but I would expand, try to add maybe a chorus, a bridge, another verse. Also, the last few lines, while flowing well, seemed... off. I'm not sure how to explain it, unfortunately.


I was thinking that too. In a sense I'm telling a story about myself with this. And as I reread it multiple times, I realized the last lines didn't really follow my story, that they were out of touch. I actually started to change them, but haven't found anything I was satisfied with.

I'll try and add more things like a chorus, and see how it goes, then I'll repost it or edit soon. Although the rest of this week will be pretty busy, so I might not get the changes up for a while...
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Old 10-02-2008, 10:05 AM   #4
Guns N Russians
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Location: Cleveland, Ohio (Originally from St. Petersburg, Russia)
Quote:
Originally Posted by bigwilly
Any suggestions, compliments, critiques? Let me know if theres anything you want my to crit back for you...

The breeze blew by
And it spoke in your ear
It said the time was right (I'd take out "the" here. It's unessesary)
To escape from your fears
But you held the burden
Was it worth the pain?
Clutching to fear (try to find another way to say this...use a different word for "fear")
Trying to stay sane (This seems kinda cliche)

Well, the momentís passed
The chance gone by
Itís been too long
The opportunityís gone
(These four lines say pretty much the exact same thing. Add some more ideas. How do you feel now that the opprtunity is gone? Reflect on what you lost, not simply the fact that you lost it).
Tell me, do you want to rewind?
To go back in time
One last chance to find
All that you left behind
(The rhythm seems off here. Add a syllable there, take one out here...make it flow. Also, these last four lines would fit better in the last verse. Maybe you could even reowrk them for a chorus. The theme here seems to revolve around this idea).

You still struggle on
And you long for change
Asking how much it would cost
To save all that was lost
But when the time was right (kill the "the")
You faded off in the night ("into" the night sounds better, IMO)
Yes, when the time was right
You faded off in the night
(Also, I think future tense would be for these last lines. "But when time is right you'll fade off into the night". I can't exactly say why I think that, but it would really sound better that way. Maybe because you make it seem like there's still hope "you still struggle on" and then kill it by saying "you faded into the night". The way I suggested it, you give yourself more hope for the future saying "I'll struggle but I'll make it...and only when the time is right will I fade off into the light"...if that makes any sense.)


This is okay but it would be conisderably better if it were more personal. It was filled with cliches. Add allusions and referrence events from your life that made you write this. Read Dylan Thomas' poem "Do not go gentle into that good light". I think it may give you some ispiration. You seem to almost give up here, and want to fade into the night. But NO! Do not go gentle into that good night! Rage! Rage! Against the dying of the light!
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