Go Back   UG Community @ Ultimate-Guitar.Com > Music > Songwriting & Lyrics
User Name  
Password
Search:

Closed Thread
Old 10-01-2008, 02:10 AM   #1
Erlendhagen3
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Soldiers story

ok, so this is the first lyric I've written therefore the first time I post here, please help me better myself . I play drums in a punk/metal band, and we're starting to get kind of seriouce, and since our vocal/bass player aint that good at writing lyrics, I gave it a try. I want to excuse if my english is abit off, I'm not English u see

Soldier's story


Lying there in a puddle of mud and water, looking at them like they were Satan's spawn.
This war is way to real, pinched my shoulder a million times in hopes of waking up.
I'm not, I'm never waking up, this is as real as it gets. we are fighting for our lives.
watching my squad die one for one, just praying the next one will be me.
please god, put me out of my misery!


hypocrisy at its worst, they say "go out there and be men", when they're not even men
enough to join us out there. we're in watery graves soaked with our fallen comrades blood,
while they sit in their offices drinking tea.


He's eyes were red as blood, slowly he fell to the ground, screaming.
Looking at a dead fellow being my mind starts to wander, is this the way to solve conflict?
Or is it just a way to show the world that we're powerful? the questions kept on going,
did I do this man wrong? I just took the life of man I don't know, I don't know if he was evil,
maybe he was just like me, another tool for the government to fool around with. I cant bear the
feeling within me, it's like a weight dragging me down! I just hope salvation will come.
Salvation please come.


The nightmares, they're the worst. It's like a picture of him tattooed to my eyelids.
insanity has finally come.
whispering in my ears "murderer, murderer,murderer,murderer"
No longer will I feel the way I do, this has gone on long enough, it's my last resort.
the bible says "an eye for an eye" well I say "a soul for a soul" Goodbye.
Erlendhagen3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-01-2008, 03:26 PM   #2
Erlendhagen3
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Please post some critisism/pointers, I need to learn by my mistakes, and better myself!
Erlendhagen3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-02-2008, 10:32 AM   #3
Guns N Russians
Axl Williamovich Rosenov
 
Guns N Russians's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Cleveland, Ohio (Originally from St. Petersburg, Russia)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Erlendhagen3
ok, so this is the first lyric I've written therefore the first time I post here, please help me better myself . I play drums in a punk/metal band, and we're starting to get kind of seriouce, and since our vocal/bass player aint that good at writing lyrics, I gave it a try. I want to excuse if my english is abit off, I'm not English u see

Soldier's story


Lying there in a puddle of mud and water, looking at them like they were Satan's spawn.
(i think this is too verbose. take out all the unesseary words. such as "there". Also don't say they're LIKE Satan's spawn...go right out and call them Satan's spawn. "staring up at Satan's spawn". The whole looking up at Satan's spawn thing would be fitting, cause hell is known as being below and looking up at someone in hell means you're in a place lower and worse then hell. who are "THEM" by the way?)
This war is way to real, pinched my shoulder a million times in hopes of waking up.
I'm not, I'm never waking up, this is as real as it gets. we are fighting for our lives.
watching my squad die one for one, just praying the next one will be me.
please god, put me out of my misery!
(one again this is too verbose...is this a song or a story? I also see no rhyme scheme or rhythm)

hypocrisy at its worst, they say "go out there and be men", when they're not even men
(the correct grammar for this would be "man" enough)
enough to join us out there. we're in watery graves soaked with our fallen comrades blood,
while they sit in their offices drinking tea.
(Though pretty cliche you do have something here. The main problem is that it just doesn't sound like a song. no rhyming no structure. it's just sentences).

He's eyes were red as blood, slowly he fell to the ground, screaming.
Looking at a dead fellow being my mind starts to wander, is this the way to solve conflict?
Or is it just a way to show the world that we're powerful? the questions kept on going,
did I do this man wrong? I just took the life of man I don't know, I don't know if he was evil,
maybe he was just like me, another tool for the government to fool around with. I cant bear the
feeling within me, it's like a weight dragging me down! I just hope salvation will come.
Salvation please come.
(The struggle of the soldier is a good topic for songs. Your idea is fine, but once again I see no rhythm or rhyme scheme whatsoever. And it's wayyy to verbose. "Dead fellow" just sounds wierd. Plus you should somehow state right in the beggining that the man in this verse was an enemy you killed and not a fallen comrade. I thought you were talking about a comrade until the middle of the verse. Plus by callling him "fellow" it makes it sound even more like your comrade.)

The nightmares, they're the worst. It's like a picture of him tattooed to my eyelids.
insanity has finally come.
whispering in my ears "murderer, murderer,murderer,murderer"
No longer will I feel the way I do, this has gone on long enough, it's my last resort.
the bible says "an eye for an eye" well I say "a soul for a soul" Goodbye.


This is a good outline for what could be a great song. It's nowhere near completion and like I said a few times before, is too damn wordy. Cut down every word you don't need without cutting down the message of the song. You should show this to your bandmates and you should be able to work something out together. Focus on a rhyme scheme that makes the song flow. Well, rhyming isn't absolutely nessessary, but it helps. At least break it down so it has rhythm.

Hope this helps. Good luck and keep writing!
__________________
PEEP MY WORDS, YO!

Play Along

freeze tag
Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet
Same Difference

CHINESE DEMOCRACY HAS BEGUN?!

OMG GnRGASM!!
Guns N Russians is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-02-2008, 11:11 AM   #4
ZanasCross
C(k)=Epsilon(ijk)A(i)B(j)
 
ZanasCross's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Asymmetric Tensored Hilbert Space
Hi.

Please read the rules, specifically regarding bumping.

Thanks,

-zC
ZanasCross is offline   Reply With Quote
Closed Thread


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 07:38 PM.

Forum Archives / About / Terms of Use / Advertise / Contact / Ultimate-Guitar.Com © 2014
Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.0.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.