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Old 10-06-2008, 07:04 PM   #1
Guns N Russians
Axl Williamovich Rosenov
 
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Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet

this is in the style of "thank god for the snooze button". I like writing this way and apparently you enjoy it too. See if you can make it to the end without going insane.

honk if you love peace and quiet on the set has less meanings than a politician with a Torah in the pocket and a hand on the Bible stories of great men told by great men; edited by eloquent ventriloquists whos mouths clearly move tomorrow is never and the day after might as well be yesterdays news they can use to their advantage Agassi-no evil and turn a blind eye of the hurricane that huffs and puffs and blows your house down to the groundbreaking benjamin franklins from street urchins hanging on for dear life by the hair of their chinny chin chins while strength in numbers and letters to the senator remain an unanswered prayer and dream-catcher in the wry smiles of the hobo for hire playing dead hooker tetris with the casket I helped build; scratching his ass for dramatic effect and cause of the changing of the seasons of withering souldiers knock on heavens door and ring the taco bell is just another entry in the diarrehabilitation of america america God shed his grace under firewater and smallpox picnics so give thanks but leggo my eggos in the bathtub are extra crispy on your breakfast table-dancers turned hockey moms belong in minivans not in office space jammed with red meat white lies and bluetooth is mind control freaks of nature versus nurture your soul mind and body doubles for the gluttons binging on pork barrel of monkeys always look before they leap but never wonder how many lightbulbs it takes to screw a blondes have more fun house mirrors and rabbits pulling themselves out of hats off to the grizzly man mauled by one of his bears no comparison to the irony of cemeteries raising burial costs and blaming it on the cost of living dangerously and spinning the wheel of fortunately I say fortunately I keep my feathers numbered for just such an emergency

Sorry if your brain exploded. I worked hard on this one. Please comment and I will surely comment on yours (leave a link).

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EDIT: HEY, here is the reworked version of the above piece in poetic form. Maybe it won't be as much of a mindf*ck to read as the first.

honk if you love peace and quiet on the
set has less meanings than a politician
with a Torah in the pocket and a hand on the Bible
stories of great men told by great men;
edited by eloquent ventriloquists whos mouths clearly move
tomorrow is never and the day after might as well be
yesterdays news they can use to their
advantage Agassi-no evil and turn a blind eye of
the hurricane that huffs and puffs and blows your house down to the
groundbreaking benjamin franklins from street urchins
hanging on for dear life by the hair of their chinny chin chins

while strength in numbers and letters to the senator
remain an unanswered prayer and dream-catcher in the
wry smiles of the hobo for hire playing dead hooker tetris
with the casket I helped build;
scratching his ass for dramatic effect and cause of the
changing of the seasons of withering souldiers
knock on heavens door and ring the taco bell;
it's just another entry in the diarrehabilitation of america america
God shed his grace under firewater and smallpox picnics

so give thanks but leggo my eggos in the bathtub are extra crispy
on your breakfast table-dancers turned hockey moms belong in minivans not in
office space jammed with red meat white lies and bluetooth is
mind control freaks of nature versus nurture your soul mind and
body doubles for the gluttons binging on pork barrel of monkeys
always look before they leap but never wonder
how many lightbulbs it takes to screw a blondes
have more fun house mirrors and rabbits pulling themselves out of
hats off to the grizzly man mauled by one of his
bears no comparison to the irony of cemeteries raising burial costs
and blaming it on the cost of living dangerously
and spinning the wheel of fortunately I say
fortunately I keep my feathers numbered for just such an emergency
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Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet
Same Difference

CHINESE DEMOCRACY HAS BEGUN?!

OMG GnRGASM!!

Last edited by Guns N Russians : 10-12-2008 at 05:04 PM.
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Old 10-07-2008, 02:07 AM   #2
kdownes
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Holy shit, brain anurism. That was incredible. Fav line, "never wonder how many light bulbs it takes to screw a blonde". Brilliant. Reminds me of Subterrainean Homesick Blues, that real fast free-form menargerie of random thoughts and sentences cleverly interlinked and intertwined into some bizarre, yet strangely believable commentary/story/narrative. I love this style and you absolutely rule at writing it (God, now i sound stupid). Anyways, great wordplay too, "Souldiers" very clever. My only complaint...NOT LONG ENOUGH! "Please sir, can i have some more?"

I'm gonna hassle you to check out the third re-write of Nighttime. See what ya think. Cheers mate
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Old 10-07-2008, 09:38 AM   #3
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A lot of amazing one liners in here. Originally, I thought this style would really lend itself to highlighting these one-liners, but I'm finding that it gives an awesome overall effect, but really hides some of the genius.

Like: letters to the senator remain an unanswered prayer and dream-catcher in the wry smiles of the hobo for hire playing dead hooker tetris with the casket I helped build; scratching his ass for dramatic effect and cause of the changing of the seasons of withering souldiers knock on heavens door and ring the taco bell is just another entry in the diarrehabilitation of america america God shed his grace under firewater and smallpox picnics

All of that was genius, but the style really closes in on the individual genius. There were so many good lines in there. So many perfect ideas, and they didn't hit as hard as they could. I'd be interested to see if reading this in poetic form carries the same weight. I think it could really make the individual ideas stronger, but it may make the piece lose its charm. If you have time, would you mind arranging this into a poetic form and posting it in here as well... just for comparison.

Overall, a staggering and mind-boggling piece, but I fear the style may be more constrictive than originally thought. It doesn't feel like you will be able to take it much above the level of this piece... which isn't bad as this is quite impressive. But I don't see much room for growth in this style, but it is certainly a wonderful place to visit.

-zC

(Johnny Appleseed if you have time)
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Old 10-07-2008, 05:04 PM   #4
Guns N Russians
Axl Williamovich Rosenov
 
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Thanks man. Coming from you means a lot.

To tell you the truth when I write like this I often get smaller pieces here and there and then find ways to link them together. I could go of on tangents pretty much anytime but I wanted this piece to stay relatively on topic. I might still do some more adjustments to this one though to make some of the parts transition better. This style is meant to deliver punch after punch and might need to be read a few times to get the most out of it.

I'm almost extra proud of the part, "another entry in the diarrehabilitation or america". If anyone didn't pick it up it's actually 3 words in one. Diary/Diarrhea/Rehabilitation.

Anyway Zach, I'll try and break this down to a poetic form and will surely get to Johnny Appleseed in the near future.

(and keep the comments rollling. i really need more feedback on what people think of this style)
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Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet
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Old 10-08-2008, 02:07 AM   #5
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Me likey. Trying to read it with a headache is a bad idea though. Still pretty awesome.
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Old 10-08-2008, 02:26 AM   #6
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can I unread something?
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Old 10-08-2008, 05:07 AM   #7
Laces Out Danny
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Guns N Russians
this is in the style of "thank god for the snooze button". I like writing this way and apparently you enjoy it too. See if you can make it to the end without going insane.

honk if you love peace and quiet on the set has less meanings than a politician with a Torah in the pocket and a hand on the Bible stories of great men told by great men; edited by eloquent ventriloquists whos mouths clearly move tomorrow is never and the day after might as well be yesterdays news they can use to their advantage Agassi-no evil and turn a blind eye of the hurricane that huffs and puffs and blows your house down to the groundbreaking benjamin franklins from street urchins hanging on for dear life by the hair of their chinny chin chins while strength in numbers and letters to the senator remain an unanswered prayer and dream-catcher in the wry smiles of the hobo for hire playing dead hooker tetris with the casket I helped build; scratching his ass for dramatic effect and cause of the changing of the seasons of withering souldiers knock on heavens door and ring the taco bell is just another entry in the diarrehabilitation of america america God shed his grace under firewater and smallpox picnics so give thanks but leggo my eggos in the bathtub are extra crispy on your breakfast table-dancers turned hockey moms belong in minivans not in office space jammed with red meat white lies and bluetooth is mind control freaks of nature versus nurture your soul mind and b
ody doubles for the gluttons binging don't you mean "bingeing"? unless it was wordplay on pork barrel of monkeys always look before they leap but never wonder how many lightbulbs it takes to screw a blondes have more fun house mirrors and rabbits pulling themselves out of hats off to the grizzly man mauled by one of his bears no comparison to the irony of cemeteries raising burial costs and blaming it on the cost of living dangerously and spinning the wheel of fortunately I say fortunately I keep my feathers numbered for just such an emergency


Sorry if your brain exploded. I worked hard on this one. Please comment and I will surely comment on yours (leave a link).


hmm...where do I start?

After reading it several times, I found it very interesting, and yes great difficulty in finding something to critique on.

my favorite part had to be "red meat white lies and bluetooth"
I thought it clever how red, white and blue was assimilated into the text.

I didn't like "groundbreaking benjamin" though. Maybe because I don't like the band...I think it's just me.

I think what ZanasCross means is that although this is a mind-blowing piece in itself, it's difficult to express individuality in this style, as it relies on the insistence of new ideas fed into it, and conjoined through wordplay and the like. It sort of, although, it's hard to explain, feels like exhausting a library. If another piece in this style was created, then it would have all these cool lines in it, but then it just becomes a piece full of cool lines, you know?

I enjoyed reading this though, props to you.
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Old 10-10-2008, 12:00 AM   #8
Guns N Russians
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I'm not a big fan of the band either. I just know the one song. They're only in it for the flow of the piece but I still think it's kinda clever. But it could be just me.

I can see why it's hard to really get more from this piece and why it could be seen as a bunch of one liners linked together. I still gotta get around to re-posting it in poetic form and maybe that will remove the exausting effect.

Anyway thanks for all the comments so far. Some more would be nice though (some of you still owe me! )
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Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet
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Old 10-10-2008, 12:58 AM   #9
#1 synth
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will be back. I owe you alot so I will tear this shit up soon enough.
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Old 10-11-2008, 02:47 PM   #10
seventh_angel
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God, the lack of punctiation overall makes my mind ache... I'm liking this, but I have to save my comment to tomorrow or something. I was in the middle of studying History and came here expecting a song or something and then BANG !

But I have to read this thing, so just expect something soon...
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Old 10-11-2008, 02:55 PM   #11
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The same to this as I said with the last one: the style works, but you have so many brilliant ideas that shrink-wrapping them in to one wastes so much of its freshness, rather than protecting every last bit,
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Old 10-12-2008, 05:07 PM   #12
Guns N Russians
Axl Williamovich Rosenov
 
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ATTENTION!

I added a second version of the piece in the first post. I'd highly appreciate if you would all compare the two and let me know which version you prefer and maybe pros and cons of each. Even if you already commented I'd still love another opinion from you.

Comments will be returned to everyone. Just leave a link!

THANKS!
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Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet
Same Difference

CHINESE DEMOCRACY HAS BEGUN?!

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Old 10-13-2008, 11:01 AM   #13
seventh_angel
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AAAAH ! MORE BRAIN DAMAGE !

Ok, after the mass inside my skull got spread all over my room, I must say the style's just not my thing. It's innovative, and even though I like what you're saying and the way you say it, it just doesn't click to me. Looking at the comments I must say I'm a minority so just ignore me. As a message it's really good, but I must say no to the style.
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Old 10-13-2008, 12:04 PM   #14
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I would say that this definitely has some absolutely ingenious lines. I believe that there are about 7-8 individual lines in there that you could sculpt a piece around each one. For me, the whole thing would come together if it were down in "a Subterranean Homesick Blues" fashion as Kdownes said. However, I can see how people would think that the whole does not equal the sum of the parts. For me though, I think you stayed on topic and each line seemed more clever than the last. "bears no comparison to the irony of cemeteries raising burial costs
and blaming it on the cost of living" that is just painfully clever... Overall great piece. I liked the poetic version better, but it's still a bit hard to read. If you could find a better body for the soul of this song you could have a masterpiece.
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Old 10-13-2008, 12:37 PM   #15
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You have so many fantastic lines in here, you are extremely talented. But I think this style, that you so insistently rely on, limits the readers capacity to enjoy it.
Its free-from inside a bubble, if you catch my drift. Why should a piece be governed by the obvious limitations that this style encompasses. You believe that flowing glorious one-liners out, one after another, all interlinking with each very cleverly, is your 'method' of writing. I don't think it is.
Let me illustrate:
A band - Poor Reeves - my band. We have been jamming for over a year and a half now and we have written endless amounts of material but have only settled on about eight original songs. We have never played a single gig together and only get the chance to jam twice a week. Now, our sound is very undistinguishable and varied. Honing it down to a fall small words is very difficult seeing as we write in such a vast array of styles. Not purposefully, it just comes out that way. Its us. Its Poor Reeves.
Yet, I still feel our sound is being shaped and it will not come to a full fruition and completion until we either make a record and release it, or do a brief tour. Doing that will encourage fans to state what they like about us, thus in-turn, influencing us.
Say for instance if they love our softer side more than the heavy. Or maybe they don't like our lyrics when we sing about sad stuff all the time. Maybe they don't like my screaming, maybe they do.
Our sound will become ever more clear as time goes on, but without the help and confidence of others, it will never be finished.
That is the same with your style I predict. I'm not saying only write for other people. I'm saying, your natural progression could possibly change, due to the difficulty that a couple of us have had.
It happened to me and it may happen to you.

Now, I may receive a beating for this, but I don't think I'm alone. Well I hope not anyway. I'm just stating the simple fact that I could not enjoy this to its fullest degree because of the seemingly empty cave of ideas that this protests to have.
It portrays an image or stature of freedom, but its insecure and a little lost.

This is all relevant to me, and maybe I am alone on this.

I will give you some serious f'in handshakes though. You are a very interesting and intelligent, full of bright ideas that covers all areas of life. Thoroughly original. But slightly unfocused and maybe, just maybe going through a mid-life crises.

People are free to ignore this.

Digitally Clean
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Old 10-13-2008, 12:44 PM   #16
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I'm with AngryGoldfish.

It seems like this was just you spewing out ideas, with no real purpose. I was very surprised that you did two pieces like that. And in all honesty, I can't distinguish the one from the other.

I'm not going to rain on everyones parade here, but promise me that your next piece will be in a different format. You've caught my interest, but I'd like to see you in a more conventional setting. The style of the piece is so loud, it speaks over whatever skills you have, thus hiding you from showing through the piece.
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Old 10-13-2008, 01:50 PM   #17
ZanasCross
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While still containing some sweet one-liners and it highlights these better, the poetic form is still very limiting. The mind**** effect is neat... but I don't know how much you can expand on it.

This is still a nice place to visit and it has a really neat effect. To reference someone you don't know, Phantom1 frmo this board had a very unique style that I never thought would work well. And he managed to make it do so. So maybe we are all wrong, and this just isn't honed enough. My advice: don't become a one trick pony, make sure you keep adventruing in the realm of "normal" poetry. Phantom1 got so caught up in his style, that he sort of lost the ability to return to normal poetry and make it zing... which hurt him in the long run, IMO.

That's all I got. Thanks for indulging me.
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Old 10-14-2008, 03:05 AM   #18
kdownes
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I prefered it without the line breaks, they seem to make the piece jump and flit. it worked a lot better as a constant stream. I'll probably come back later when I've got tiem for a full crit.
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Old 10-14-2008, 03:18 AM   #19
hellview22
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i just wanna say its awesome, everyon has crit it to the shithouse( good thing)
so know need for anymore input, mad style though.. you pull it of well.
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