(rhymes with, well, it doesn't rhyme with anything) is the lanky, ego-headed lead guitarist for Dethklok
. He is Sweden's favorite son - though his father may not agree - and that country's greatest export next to Swedish meatballs and IKEA
When he is not practicing his Gibson Explorer
- and more recently his Thunderhorse
- he is teasing rhythm guitar player Toki Wartooth
, chasing tail, drinking or brutalizing the English language by pluralizing everything and conjugating nothing. And when he's not doing any of those things, chances are he isn't anything.
Ultimate-Guitar caught up to the blond riffmaster one recent afternoon when he was doing nothing and asked him some questions. He'd just completed the "Metalocalypse: The Doomstar Requiem - A Klok Opera
" CD and was recuperating. Between sips of his favorite beer and burning down the fretboard on his favorite Gibson, Skwisgaar replied to our questions as only the great Swede could. UG: What does Skwisgaar Skwigelf mean in Swedish? SS:
I believes it's ams mostlys a typos. My mothers, gods bless hers, am nots a wonderfuls typists. I thinks it translates to "Skippings Woods Elf
" which kinds of sounds feminines to me.Did a guitar neck burst into flames the first time you picked up an electric guitar?
The only time my guitars burst into flames was whens I was takings Chinese cookins lessons and I accidentally left its a woks. Did your dad play guitar?
Who knows? Maybes. My mothers likes to sleeps with any bands and favored de guitarists. He coulds be Jeffs Skunks Baxters
fors alls I knows. Nathan Explosion loves his father and enjoys a good game of Scrabble - your dad abandoned you. What gives?
That woulds be a questions for dat assholes who shots his loads intos my mom all dems years back. I cannots speaks for him. What's de hells does Scrabbles
has to do with anys of dis? Did you take up the guitar because there's nothing else to do in Sweden but watch the snow fall and commit suicide?
I know some Swedes who would takes offense to dat statement but unfortunately they has all hungs themselves. Why do you relentlessly pick on Toki Wartooth?
What ams you? His Mothers? Takes it easy, sheesh. Ands he likes it whens we makes fun of hims. He ams weird. Plus he brings it upons himself by actings likes a weird idiots. Does Toki know you replace all his rhythm guitar parts?
I thinks he knows deeps down insides buts we don'ts discuss it. Buts we likes to keep up the charade dats his playings on de records. Toki suffers from 'red light disease'—his best playings was ats de first audtions and dens he started blowings it. Toki makes model airplanes - what do you do in your free time?
I screws. I screws like I goings to de chair. Why? What does yous does? Kids like Toki - do they like you?
Why woulds I wants a bunchk of snots nosed kids who doesn't gots jobs followings me arounds everywheres likes a Pieds Pipers
? Whats does dats gets me? Sounds likes a babysittings nightmares. Were you breastfed?
I was - but I had to shares with whatevers cocks-nose my mothers was sleepings with at de times. Why don't you own any t-shirts with sleeves?
Oh dats easy. The fabric slows me downs. Who's the biggest drinker in Dethklok?
. Dens Nathans
. Dens Murderface
. Dens me. And Toki
tends to throws up quites oftens. Are you the fastest guitar player alive?
Looks, dis questions comes up oftens. I nevers saids I was de fastest, the dildos (the fans) are the ones dats cames up with dats allegations. I thinks somes players may be fasters den me but they makes less moneyso there ams somes tradeoffs. Have you ever played a bad note?
Yes. Once. Durings a live shows in Denvers a raccoons jumpsed on stage and crawled ups my legs and as I trieds to shoos hims aways I hits a G# insteads of a Gs. I was nevers more embarrassed. So of course I hads all de footage destroyed. Some fan comes up to you and doesn't know anything about guitar - what five guitar players would you tell him/her to listen to (including yourself, of course)?
Sh-ts. Uhhhhhh ... Alls of dems. Brians Mays
, Bill Cosby
... Fender and ESP eat Gibson - you know that, right?
Dats ams builts specificallys to frustrates me. Fenders
ams basicallys grandpas guitars and ESP
ams a cheaps Japanese Gibsons copies-cat and dey knows it. Gibsons has de biggest sounds and dat ams finals. Gibson gentlys urinates into their faces. You lose all your money and can only use one piece of gear in the studio - what is it (You still own a guitar and amp)?
I woulds maybe gets a sprays tannings machines mainlys because I tends to gets a little pales durings de off season. What happens if you put your Explorer back in the case?
Is dis a questions for me or a puppeteers? You could have sat across the table from Leo Fender and Les Paul when they were designing the Stratocaster and Les Paul respectively - what would you have told them they were doing wrong?
I woulds have told dem dat the guitars shoulds be Internets ready and dat they shoulds also invents de Internets. And throws a laser tag systems on its too. Yeah. What is your favorite Dethklok album?
You cants ask God whats ams his favorite creatures he created. It ams unfairs. What is your favorite Dethklok solo?
I likes whats I dids on "Dethalbums III
" because dats ams my most currents points of evolutions. If I truely belived dat dere was any bads guitar playings don't you thinks I woulds have its destroyed? What insane stuff happened during the recording of the Dethklok albums?
One times we jacked off intos Murderfaces Chinese Chickens salad. He still doesn't know. Have you ever heard of this Brendon Small guy? Does he suck?
Interestings you brings him ups. I ams actuallys a fans of his "Galaktikons
" albums. Yets guitar-wise he ams a bits of a Skwisgaar clones. But what ams you gonna dos? You're onstage jamming with Steve Vai and Joe Satriani - how badly do you smoke both of them?
I gots to gives credits where credits ams due, they ams getting pretty good. I feels like they must has been practicing or somethings. Queen is looking for a new singer - would you be bummed out if Nathan Explosion auditioned and got the gig?
I would be hurts if he dids it withouts discussings it with Pickle ands myself. Buts I personally don't know if he ams rights for de gig, he has a little trouble hittings dems high notes dats Freddys Mercuries
ams known for. What turns you on more - a mermaid or a dragon?
Oh sh-ts. Does de Dragons has tits? I guess you cant's flys on a Mermaids. Hmmmm. I may has to thinks about dis for a whiles. Have many fans have been killed or maimed at Dethklok concerts?
That ams a questions for our legals teams. You play the Duncan Hills Coffee jingle - do they pay you in coffee beans?
I thinks you ams confusing us with Jacks
and de BeansStalkss
. We gets paids in moneys and pussies and stocks options. Boxers or briefs?
Nothings. What do you love most about yourself?
You will seriouslys runs out of words for dis articles if you expects a serious answers. Do you use extensions? Steroids?
No comments. What is the most insane thing you've done while drunk?
Apparentlys it agreedings to dos an onlines articles. What would you say to:Jimmy Page
Nice riffs, where ams de sweeps arpeggios? Jimi Hendrix
Nice playins, gets a metronomes and calls me in a few years. John LennonJohns
! Stays away from fats bespecleds lunatics in Centrals Parks! If you could put together the greatest band of all time (including dead guys because you now have the power of Resurrection), who would you include?
Hmmm. I'd probably puts Abrahams Lincoln
on Leads Vocals, Phillip Seymour Hoffman
on Bass, Randy Rhoads
on Drums, Richard the Thirds
on Rhythm guitar, ands finallys Gary Colemans
on leads guitar. Perfects. Wait, now I wants to swaps out Gary Colemans with Napoleons
. Theres, prints dat. Did you take guitar lessons from Yngwie Malmsteen?
Nah, but I thinks I coulds has. I respect his playings and alls but I thinks there woulds has been a clashings of egos. We both admittinglys thinks highly of ourselves. Actually we ams not allowed in the same states because of de size of our egos. So if I'm in North Carolinas he has to waits until I leaves to go theres. You're in prison - which isn't a stretch - and you're stuck with listening to three albums over and over. Which three albums are they and why?
They would probably be first Dethkloks albums, I am a huge fans of my works. Sorry, but you shoulds has guessed that. Have you ever been abducted by aliens? Have you ever abducted an alien?
Are somes of these questions lefts overs froms de Sammy Hagars
interviews? Dude, what is this "Metalocalypse: The Doomstar Requiem - A Klok Opera?" Is that classical stuff?
I has no ideas what you are talkings about. Alls I know is theres ams a fifty piece orchestra and dat it ams availables at www. Brendonsmall. Com dats all I can tell yous. Who was the genius that came up with the album titles - "Dethklok I, II and III?"
We broughts in a mathematician froms Oxfords University to makes sure we was countings dems right. If you put a band together with Dave Mustaine, what would it be called? (Think hard, genius!)?
I would calls de bands "F--ks Yous, You Smugs F--ks
." What is the last book you read?
I believes it was a books your Mothers wrote entitleds "Hows to Lives With a Retarded Sons
."Or should the question be - can you read?
Looks I'm a guitarists, nots a bassist... What will you do for the rest of the day?
Plays guitar and then spurlunks into somes Vodka filleds with nakeds sluts. You? What is the future of Dethklok?
You will sees. Things are gonna gets incredibly fucked ups in a way you will not expects. You have the ego for it - will you do a solo album?
You will has to begs me...In a thousand years when they unearth the history of Skwisgaar Skwigelf, what will they find?
Lots of melteds picks, splatterings of my DNA silhouettings a nakeds women in hotel rooms, and a Horse ... A Horse made of Thunders.Interview by Steven Rosen
Featuring Brendon Small as Skwisgaar Skwigelf