11 Best Roasts by Noel Gallagher

The man always speaks what's on his mind.

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11 Best Roasts by Noel Gallagher
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Keane

"Traditionally speaking, the three biggest twats in any band are the singer, the keyboardist and the drummer. I don't need to say anything else."

"I feel sorry for Keane. No matter how hard they try they’ll always be squares. Even if one of them started injecting heroin into onto his cock people would go 'Yeah but your dad was a vicar, good night'."

Phil Collins

"You don't have to be great to be successful. Look at Phil Collins."

"People fucking hate cunts like Phil Collins, and if they don't — they fucking should"

"Vote Labour. If you don't and the Tories get in, Phil Collins is threatening to come back from Switzerland and live here — and none of us want that."

Blur

"The thing that gets me is, people will say that they're the Beatles and we're the Stones. The fact of the matter is, we're the Beatles and the Stones, and they're the fucking Monkees!"

Kaiser Chiefs

" Well, they are wankers. The worst thing about them is that they’re not very good. They play dress-up and sit on top of an apex of meaninglessness. They don’t mean anything to anybody apart from their fucking ugly girlfriends."

Kurt Cobain

"I heard this song called 'I Hate Myself and I Want to Die' and I thought, I'm not having that, I cannot have this American rock star who everybody is lauding as a genius with all the money in the world sitting there in his mansion on smack saying that. What d'you want to die for?"

Liam

"He’s rude, arrogant, intimidating and lazy. He’s the angriest man you’ll ever meet. He’s like a man with a fork in a world of soup."

Jack White

"Jack White has just done a song for Coca-Cola. End of. He ceases to be in the club. And he looks like Zorro on doughnuts. He’s supposed to be the poster boy for the alternative way of thinking… I’m not having that, that’s fucking wrong. Particularly Coca-Cola, it’s like doing a fucking gig for McDonald’s."

Thom Yorke

"Thom Yorke sat at a piano singing, 'This is fucked up' for half an hour. We all know that, Mr Yorke. Who wants to sing the news? No matter how much you sit there twiddling, going, 'We're all doomed', at the end of the day people will always want to hear you play Creep. Get over it."

Sum 41

"Do you ever look at the sky and think 'I'm glad I'm alive'? After I heard Sum 41, I thought 'I'm actually alive to hear the shittiest band of all time'. Which is quite something when you think about it. Of all the bands that have gone before and all the bands that'll be in the future, I was around when the worst was around."

Kanye West

"Somebody needs to buy that dumbass a dictionary so he can look up the word "artistry".... Get him a dictionary from me, I'll fuckin' sign it and give it to him so he can look it up."

The Internet

"I don't care what the Internet says. 99.9999% of the people on the Internet are dumbasses anyway."

54 comments sorted by best / new / date

    SpaceCadetK
    "He looks like Zorro on doughnuts " - On Jack White Holy Fuck! HAHAHAHAHAHA I spat coffee all over my keyboard
    deggs37
    Someone give this man a talk show. He can just sit and talk shit about people, I would be entertained.
    crazyhorse174
    Did Noel Gallagher ever use the word 'dumbass'? I doubt it.
    chuck_lake
    Maybe he was watching That '70s Show at the time and he felt identified with Red Forman
    sambargun
    The man has no technique on the guitar, no legato, no bends, no sweep, certainly none of that tapping nonsense, but give him a minute and he will make a fucking epic tune..... 
    Niass
    Actually, here's one of his best quotes. Noel on playing guitar: “It’s a human playing a tree. Three chords on a guitar: now write a song. I only know 11! But I tell you what, God help you when i find the 12th!”  
    VariousThings
    Some quotes from Noel Gallagher and Damon Albarn on the subject of what Liam might think about them collaborating on the new Gorillaz album: https://twitter.com/Leask/status/85697329226722... Also, regarding his quote about Cobain, he also said this:
    “I wish I’d met Kurt Cobain. I always had an affinity with him. He was left-handed, blue-eyed, a Gemini, loved The Beatles like me. I would have loved to have shot the fucking shit with him,” he said.
    “All the great albums get greater with time. They never date. If you listen to ‘Nevermind’ it still sounds like the future of rock.”
    kjt1981
    Yeah, I've heard him say a lot of good things about Kurt Cobain - "he could have been his generations John Lennon", for example. I think there are a lot of similarities between them, just different influences led them down different paths musically.
    JorshWarsh
    He actually said that about System of a Down, not Sum 41.  I don't know, maybe he rehashed it or whatever.  Who cares.  I think it fits for Sum 41 a lot better.
    Ghostmaker
    If Noel released an album with 4 hours of him just speaking his mind, about any topic, I'd buy it in a heartbeat.
    zack2k
    I remember he respected Cobain over success of Nirvana music. I don't know what he said but he was pretty jealous about Nirvana success and respect by it.
    NHECOS
    Well here is someone that didn't get enough hugs as a kid!!!
    kjt1981
    His dad used to beat the shit out of him so badly he developed a severe stammer. 
    thalesmlp
    That must be on of the reasons he and his brother are such awful people. People should be aware of that: dont beat your children. They might form a shittiest band and think they are good.
    fromzero
    He's not in Sum 41... Do you even read the articles?
    thalesmlp
    Sun 41 is crappy, but Oasis is just embarassing. Are you really trying to defend him? That is so sad
    kjt1981
    I'll defend the first couple of years of Oasis all day. They were great for 2 years. They released some truly dreadful records after that, but between 1994 and 1996 were pretty much the soundtrack to my life. 
    kjt1981
    And as for "don't beat your children"... what if they deserve it?
    thalesmlp
    "What if they (children) devervet it (being hit)". That seems like a legit coment of a mind that says that Oasis was great. Having oasis as the soundtrack of your life is not something to be proud. Seek help my friend.
    kjt1981
    I do seek help. I have friends who come round to assist in the beatings. Between the seven of us we leave those little fuckers looking like roadkill.
    sleopold11
    I guess after that quote about Liam, Oasis won't be getting back together any time soon.
    Svennz
    He's a great songwriter but that doesn't mean shit to anybody either. There are millions of people doing better than him and he feels like he can roast whoever he wants even if they don't deserve it. I think he is the teenage version of everyone of us. And he will die like that, being irrelevant egomaniac, just like Kanye West, whom he roasted lol
    thalesmlp
    This guy is hilarious. But the funniest part will always be how he actually believe he is talented. Its just the best.
    WardLucas
    These probably aren't real. I saw the Sum 41 quote but about Hoobastank years ago.
    Zero_Sound
    I dont agree with all of them (especially the Blur quote) but they're still funny.
    slapsymcdougal
    Am I the only person who sees something incongruous about a Manc advertising Yorkshire tea?
    kjt1981
    Anything else is fair game, but there should be no prejudice in tea. 
    discodaz
    i'm from lancashire and a huge tea fan. yorkshire tea is the fucking nuts!