A Letter To Guitar Santa: We're Dreaming Of A Very, Very Weird Christmas

We've been dreaming big in 2008, and now it's time for you to seal the deal. You've surely already been bombarded by 5-year-olds asking for the latest Elmo concoction, and that has to get old after awhile.

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Dear Santa,

We've been dreaming big in 2008, and now it's time for you to seal the deal. You've surely already been bombarded by 5-year-olds asking for the latest Elmo concoction, and that has to get old after awhile. Not to rip on the children of the world, but the UG community always thinks up a wish list that blows little Sally or Johnny's gift ideas out of the water. These suggestions might push you and the elves to the extreme, but we have the utmost confidence in the entire North Pole staff. This year we have even more unusual challenges than in previous years, so here is a quick bit of advice: Be prepared to round of Buckethead, Jesus, and Rick Astley.

St. Nick, we realize that you're a little long in the tooth (and looking great for a 1700-year-old dude, may we add), so we at Ultimate-Guitar did our part to help out. In a recent survey we asked readers, What is your weirdest music-related dream? It might not be a carbon copy of your usual What would you like for Christmas, boys and girls, but why not stir things up in 2009? Our readers chimed in with both their ultimate desires and some genuine dreams (of the sleeping variety), so your work might necessitate thinking way outside of the box. Instead of just jumping down the chimney and simply leaving a new Robot Guitar, how about upping the ante by heeding the advice of one particular UG reader? Make that Gibson axe unleash laser weapons, destroying all in its path. Sure, it might be a little brutal for all the glee of the holidays, but you'll certainly make one guitarist out there a very happy boy or girl.

So hold off on slipping the usual Death Magnetic CD or Marshall stack under the tree because we've got some ideas that will make this humdrum holiday season oh-so-much more interesting. And don't you want to brag that you were the guy responsible for a GN'R reunion or a DragonForce orgy with genuine dragons? Yeah, we thought so.

What A Wonderfully Weird Christmas It Would Be If

  • Buckethead is unmasked

    The former GN'R guitarist seems to be heavy in the psyche of quite a few readers, with many of you mentioning the quirky player in your responses. One individual, however, did the unthinkable by asking that Buckethead beunmasked. I have to admit that I also once spent an entire afternoon with the Google Images search engine, strictly for the purpose of finding out Buckethead's (a.k.a. Brian Patrick Carroll) true identity. But is a half-ass JPeg really satisfying? I think not. Santa, if you're able to unmask Mr. Carroll, think about the possibilities. Buckethead will finally be able to create instructional guitar DVDs, in which he walks us through the insanely good solos like the one in Jordan. It wouldn't hurt to hear him pass along a few behind-the-scenes tales of his days with Axl, either.

  • Kurt Cobain enters a Battle of the Bands Contest

    The reader who suggested this dream went on to say that Cobain would proceed to play all of his hits as he demolished the competition.

    Unfair? Sure! But wouldn't you just love to see him show some of these novice rock stars how to play uncompromised, legendary music without the aid of hair gel or pyrotechnics?



  • Guns N' Roses has a reunion with all of the original members

    This would be the ultimate step in rebuilding Axl's career. Sure, Chinese Democracy made a fairly solid showing internationally, but a reunion with Slash, Izzy, Duff, and yes, even Steven would likely win back all those fans that Axl alienated over the past 15 or so years.

    Santa, we realize that you have a better chance of resurrecting Kurt Cobain, but we still want to believe in Christmas miracles.


  • Fall Out Boy becomes a good band with the ability to write enjoyable songs

    Those in the UG community who voted Fall Out Boy as the Worst Band of 2008 likely have no hope in this coming true. But another such reader added a little twist to this comment that might just work.

    He dreamed that Cradle of Filth would one day cover a Fall Out Boy track. We're already smirking thinking about what Dani Filth would do with a song called Dead on Arrival.


  • DragonForce has sex with dragons as they played

    Bizarre? Perhaps. Disturbing? Of course. But even those who don't care for DragonForce would have to admit that this would probably one of the most memorably awesome concerts around. Sex and dragons?

    It's a guaranteed sold-out show.




  • A death metal band was comprised of Jesus, the angel Gabriel, Muhammed Suicmez and my history teacher

    There weren't a whole lot of religious-based results in our survey, and this one was a doozy. We're fairly certain that Jesus and/or the angel Gabriel have not yet played in a death metal band (on Earth, at least), particularly one that features the likes of guitar master Suicmez of Necrophagist. This would be the perfect opportunity to prove to all those right-wingers that any goes in metal - including Jesus on drums. We're not sure where the UG reader's history teacher fits into the whole equation, but he's obviously one hell of a cool instructor if he can stand toe to toe with Jesus.

  • Mozart builds a studio inside of his grave and did all his pieces in a heavy metal version with help from Dimebag Darrell and Pavarotti

    Forget sex with dragons or reunion tours, this request would take music as we know it to the next level. Mozart was a bit of a misfit himself back in the day, and we're almost certain they he would appreciate the genius behind much of today's metal. And why stop with just Dimebag? Let's get Randy Rhoads and Jimi Hendrix invited to this party.

  • Green Day plays ukulele in gorilla suits and free cookies for everybody

    For those who believe Green Day has lost its edge, seeing Billy Joe Armstrong in a monkey suit might actually be a welcome change. With American Idiot delving deep into political themes and their upcoming 2009 release supposedly being more religious, it may just be time for the pop punk band to grab some ukuleles and lighten up a bit. Santa, one more thing: I have a feeling that some people will be just fine with the free cookies.


    What The Nighttime May Bring: Truly Weird Dreams

  • I exchange guitars with Dave MustaineJimi Hendrix plays drums with his teeth in my band, while slap bassing with his feet.

    You've already intrigued us with Mustaine showing such an act of kindness, and the fact that Hendrix was going all Bootsy Collins on us in the dream makes this a top priority for you, Santa.

    Really want to blow our minds? Push Mustaine into joining Hendrix's funk band, and you can watch the jaws drop.




  • I met Chuck Schuldiner and joined Death, but then they kicked me out because my armpit hair grew too long.

    While we applaud the UG readers' subconscious for keeping the spirit of Schuldiner going strong, Santa should feel free to edit out any mention of lengthy armpit hair. Orthrow in a bottle of Nair for this poor kid. Problem solved and a happy holiday is had by all.

  • I was at a Rick Astley concert...

    Um, no. Santa, we were going to put a positive spin on this one, but no dice.








  • Me and Ozzy were grave-robbing at a funeralOzzy opened a coffin and started nailing a skeleton.

    No offense to the Prince of Darkness, but this sounds like something Ozzy might have actually done circa 1985.

    I guess we don't want to see the rehabbed singer back to his old bad habits, but perhaps another frontman can cover this one. Any votes for Scott Weiland? Wait, we take that back. Astley!




  • I was in the middle of a gig when I suddenly spawned 3 extra penises and used them as drum sticks to do the craziest drum solo of all time.

    Santa, if you're able to make this dream a reality, just be prepared to work overtime. I have a feeling that the Acme Penis Spawner will be the hit of the Christmas season.

  • Playing chess with half-Billy Corgan/half-horse as fairies wearing funky fruit hats danced around us singing 'What Is Love' by Haddaway.

    If this dream doesn't scream Christmas Magic, then nothing does.

  • Slash came in my house to play Guitar Hero with me.

    Even though this came from the subconscious mind during a run-of-the-mill good night's sleep, it's not such a far stretch from the truth.

    Out of all the rock stars today, Slash is the kind of laid-back guy that would probably grant such a wish. We're assuming he's a petty phenomenal Guitar Hero player now that his face has donned millions of packages, but it would still be mighty cool to have Slash kick your ass at Through The Fire And Flames.

    Sign us all up for this gift, Santa.

    By Amy Kelly Ultimate-Guitar.Com 2008

  • 217 comments sorted by best / new / date

      sephiroth033
      Red_Hot_Fuzz wrote: Kevy Absolution wrote: First. I love Fall Out Boy, so come on... Blasphemy! He has spoken Blasphemy!!!
      I second the crap out of that.
      sephiroth033
      Captain Penguin wrote: Alpha_Wolf wrote: Adam124 wrote: Grow the hell up, music is evolving just ****ing accept it. In that case, I would press B to stop it from evolving. you sir, win.
      I second this guy too haha
      DeadlyKombat
      sephiroth033 wrote: Captain Penguin wrote: Alpha_Wolf wrote: Adam124 wrote: Grow the hell up, music is evolving just ****ing accept it. In that case, I would press B to stop it from evolving.
      WHAT?!?!? Music Stopped Evolving! now what do we do?
      Hobo279
      sephiroth033 wrote: Captain Penguin wrote: Alpha_Wolf wrote: Adam124 wrote: Grow the hell up, music is evolving just ****ing accept it. In that case, I would press B to stop it from evolving. you sir, win. I second this guy too haha
      thirded!
      ETHANR26
      Hobo279 wrote: sephiroth033 wrote: Captain Penguin wrote: Alpha_Wolf wrote: Adam124 wrote: Grow the hell up, music is evolving just ****ing accept it. In that case, I would press B to stop it from evolving. you sir, win. I second this guy too haha thirded!
      that is the funniest thing i have read in awhile =)
      ieatursoul wrote: i had a dream some fat chick on a lawn mower was trying to kill me last night. was pretty messed up.
      what the ****?
      potatoejunkie
      Megadeth2011 wrote: Unmask Buckethead? And now folks, we will unmask buckethead! *lifts bucket* Lil Wayne?!
      buckethead unmasked?...we would find axl rose but if you take his bucket away his name would be "head", and that's a pretty lame name
      deadstring_3000
      hey,what's up with the wish for green day? maybe that person who wished that thing should wear the gorilla costumes and try to climb all the towers and buildings in new york city...
      maccamaster
      Hell_Metalist : ...and fredrik is better than mohammed guy Nope. Listen to some Necrophagist... i LOVE NECROPHAGIST!! my favourite is fermented offal discharge!
      andychalmers102
      PrettyxOdd wrote: Fall Out Boy's not THAT bad.. They're better than Paramore, tokio hotel and The Jonas Brothers.
      Paramore are far better than Fall Out Boy!!
      papershredder
      andychalmers102 wrote: PrettyxOdd wrote: Fall Out Boy's not THAT bad.. They're better than Paramore, tokio hotel and The Jonas Brothers. Paramore are far better than Fall Out Boy!!
      agreed, and also i have never listened to tokio hotel, and UG hasnt really made me want to.
      Posiedeon
      no way slash would kick my ass on guitar hero, especially on through the fire and flames
      koreanhitokori
      papershredder wrote: andychalmers102 wrote: PrettyxOdd wrote: Fall Out Boy's not THAT bad.. They're better than Paramore, tokio hotel and The Jonas Brothers. Paramore are far better than Fall Out Boy!! agreed, and also i have never listened to tokio hotel, and UG hasnt really made me want to.
      I stand by the statement that paramore are one of the more decent bands (and forgive me for being shallow, but that lead singer is a pretty person). FOB and JS do deserve none of the fame they recieve. But (and for the love of God, don't flame me for this, cuz I really don't have a clue) what's with all the hatred towards tokio hotel? are they like the european post-AFI? I'm just a lil' honestly confused about the hate
      ThorDevlin
      Megadeth2011 wrote: Unmask Buckethead? And now folks, we will unmask buckethead! *lifts bucket* Lil Wayne?!Unmask Buckethead? And now folks, we will unmask buckethead! *lifts bucket* Lil Wayne?!
      Come on, everyone knows its really Chuck Norris behind the mask!
      DroptheBomb
      Alexishxc1337 wrote: The Fall Out Boy thing was one of the most immature things I've ever seen published on this site.
      well fall out boy is a very immature band. when the majority of your music primarily appeals to 13-14 year old girls, im quite sure that constitutes on being immature. and theres no real difference between paramore jonas brothers and fall out boy, except paramore is not as popular... but i would nail the lead singer
      Td_Nights
      Uhm...`bout the Buckethead thing. Nobody but me has watched the Young Buckethead DVDs, have they?
      noodlerod
      like its Billie Joe.. you know.. not Billy Joe. sorry but i just have to point that out.
      MeLa13
      Me and a few friends all talked about how Fall Out Boy songs had no catchy-ness and how the verse/bridge were the exact same as the chorus. They've cleaned up and are more enjoyable now!
      freedomdeceptiv
      MaidenPriest666 wrote: cobain would lose battle of the bands cause he sucks
      Dude, thats ****ing blasphemy... the only thing worse is bashing led zep. Anyways why cant jimmy page use black magic to resurrect bonzo and control robert plant's mind so they can tour?
      hippie_guy
      metalmagic! wrote: hippie_guy wrote: PrettyxOdd wrote: Fall Out Boy's not THAT bad.. They're better than Paramore, tokio hotel and The Jonas Brothers. I AGREE !!! there can't be a band worse that Tokio Hotel ! it's the ultimate expression of crap, but what is worst about them is that their crap is actually listened to by a lot of emo kids at my school ! i hate it !!! METAL FCKING RULES !!! dude, if your ok with fall out boy, your not allowed to say metal rules. My dream is: Dimebag comes back and shoves a razorback up this guys a$$!!
      i didn't say Fall out boy is ok, i just said Tokio Hotel is even worse )
      rubbert
      hide_the_beer wrote: They didn't mention what I wanted for Christmas... A guitar that dispenses bacon
      that would be the 'most awesomemest' thing eveerr!!
      :xMCR>.<Skyx:
      Red_Hot_Fuzz wrote: Kevy Absolution wrote: First. I love Fall Out Boy, so come on... Blasphemy! He has spoken Blasphemy!!!
      go to hell. santa's not gonna bring you presents, he's just gonna sit on you.
      rifftnstrings
      Funny stuff, except for the Buckethead thing. If he were unmasked, that would ruin the Buckethead persona. He would literally cease to be Buckethead.
      Natrone
      Unmask Buckethead and play GH with Slash. Talk about an awesome Christmas!
      hippie_guy
      Cody188 wrote: NIRVANA REUNION lol
      yeah, i'd like to see that... get a few necromancers, and it's done