Chapter 4: Goons, Golf, And Grub
"It's Coulter right? I'm pretty sure your name is Coulter...or are you the Tanner guy?" I said.
Coulter took a sip of his beer and stared at Shawn. "How can this dinosaur not know my f--king name by now?" He said.
I took a drink of beer. "And I'm pretty sure you play the piano...wait, no you play the guitar...its Coulter right?" I said.
Coulter set his beer down and continued to stare at Shawn. "I'm going to punch him, really, I swear to God. I'm going to punch him right in the mouth."
Shawn interrupted us both. "Alright fellas, come on. Let's calm down a bit." He glanced over at me from across the table. "We've all had a couple of beers."
Coulter raised his voice, still staring at Shawn. "I don't care that this alcoholic has had too many beers, this guy needs to know our God damn names."
Shawn nodded. "He's right Dan. We've decided it's time for you to bite the bullet, you've got to learn to our names."
I steadied myself on the table and looked around the dirty bar. "Jesus I realize that, but do we have to do this now when were 10 beers deep?"
"He's such an asshole, he's the only one that's had 10 beers." Said Coulter, eyes still locked on Shawn.
I drained my beer and slammed it on the table. "Alright, let me try this." I said, pointing to Shawn. "You're the guy I've been talking to the most, which is weird because you're really bland now that I've met the hulk over here." I said, shifting my eyes to Coulter. "Now you, you're Coulter. I think I like you a bit more then Shawn because you don't have ridiculously long hair like him, and you have your period every two seconds. You're also really built compared to him, and I'd bet that me and you are the only two guys here that could get laid tonight."
Coulter didn't shift his eyes from Shawn. "I still think he's an asshole."
I turned to the Tanner who was sitting silently beside me the whole time. I put my arm around his shoulder and leaned in close. "And finally, you're Tanner." I said, pausing to burp. And you have got to be, the ugliest human being, I have ever seen." I sat back in the booth. "Like come on, your sideburns are at the length only the Fonz could reach, and you have the worst beer gut I've ever seen." I said, waiting for a response. "You also haven't said a single word tonight..."
"Alright ease up Dan." said Shawn.
I stretched my arms out above me. "Yeah I'll stop, he's only the bassist anyways."
"I'm going to f--king punch him, really, I swear to God." Said Coulter.
Shawn raised his hands. "Yeah Coulter, we know. Anyways Dan, we've signed the papers, what's the next step?"
I put my arm around Tanner's shoulder again. "More beers, me thinks."
Coulter continued to stare at Shawn. "We signed with a f--king alcoholic."
"I'm not talking about drinking, I meant with the band." Said Shawn.
I put my spinning head down on the table. "Well despite my alcoholic intake, I think you guys don't have a band name, so that's our first step. Then, we need to wine and dine a record label so we can get some money and find a producer for your album."
I felt all three members lean in closer to me. "But you said before that you already had those details worked out?" said Shawn.
I managed to raise my voice while on the fringe of passing out. "Yes, but before you guys weren't a f--king three piece band were you?"
Shawn hesitated. "Well I guess not, but do we still have any of the offers from labels that we had before?"
I laughed, almost throwing up. "Of course you don't, are you f--king high? All those guys ran away with their tales between their legs. Fortunately for you assholes there are still a couple labels left, but they aren't as big."
"So when can we get started Dan?" said Tanner.
I sat up and rubbed my eyes. "Well look at that boys, a baby's first words." I said. "We'll start tomorrow night, we have a dinner set up." I said, straining to see where the exit was through my blurry vision. "Now let's get out of here, I need to vomit in a taxi and sleep in my bathroom."
"Oh and this is my best one bro, I promise. I sing about how sometimes meeting people is awkward, especially when they're good looking. And look, look at the big time views I got."
I sat staring at my computer, wondering how easy it would be to give this kid cement shoes.
I sat up in my chair, covering my face with my hands. "Wow, 40,000...That's good, I bet you are really proud." I said sarcastically. "So let me get this straight...you have a bunch of YouTube videos, and you want to get signed."
The kid pushed his hair to the side of his face, displaying a full mug of pimples. "Well yeah, but think of the opportunities here bro. People like to watch my videos, so we find me a big time label, and I sell my big-time album of songs on iTunes."
I stared far away into space. "And you really think that will work..."
The kid sat up in his chair. "Oh bro, totally, totally. That whole ancient practice of selling albums in stores is dead bro, its dead. This is the new age, where YouTube and MySpace artists are the real deal. We're at the forefront of the music scene man!"
I began to stand up. "Yeah, I totally understand. Hey listen... I'm just going to go get some coffee and then we'll hammer out some details."
He turned in his seat to watch me walk out of the office. "Totally bro, take your time. Pour me a cup too man! Know what I'm saying? Ha-ha!"
I exited my office and approached a smiling Christine.
"How was poon goon sixty-nine?" She said, barely containing her laughter.
I leaned my head on her desk, rubbing my eyes. "What the f--k is the world coming too."
"Well Dan, when you accept clients from other agents, you have to expect to get at least one video blogger." She said.
I paced the hallway. "I can't believe I'm interviewing someone who goes by a username, not their actual f--king name."
Christine smiled. "Well his tight jeans, straight hair, and scrawny arms worked on me, what a good looking poon goon." She said, breaking into laughter.
I peeked into my office and then walked back to Christine's desk. "I can't go back in there."
Christine shifted in her chair to face me. "Dan, just go back in."
"I can't." I said.
"Dan, you're a professional agent on the rebound, you have to go back in there." Said Christine.
I sat down cross legged on the floor. "What time is my tee off with Jordan Mason?"
She sighed and turned to her computer. "You're such a f--king child Dan." Said Christine.
"The only person who's a f--king child is the kid in there who copies all his jokes from that kid from Superbad." I said.
"Stop it Dan." Said Christine. "Quit being an asshole."
"Hey, I don't know you, and for some reason since I'm just meeting you I can't talk like a god damn normal human being." I said. "How many f--king Seth Rogen's do we need."
"If I tell you your tee off time, will you stop the impersonations and go back in and finish your meeting?" said Christine.
I stood up."Maybe."
"It's at 1:30 at Glen Abbey, now go back in there."
"Fine." I said, walking to my office door. "Alright kid, here's the deal."
Poon Goon turned in his seat to look at me. "Hey bro where's my coffee? ha-ha just kidding what's up dude?"
I pointed to him. "Well, you need to get the f--k out of my office, that's whats up." I said.
I walked by Christine's desk as I walked towards the elevator. "I finished the meeting." I said, smiling.
Christine raised her hands. "What the f--k Dan!"
"Look at this asshole. He's been looking through those bushes for five minutes now." I said.
Jordan took a drag from his cigar, staring down the fairway at the foursome in front of us. "I thought you said this was a good golf course Dan."
"Tiger Woods has played here Jordan." I said. It's not my fault we picked the day the world geriatric golf association held a god damn tournament."
"Oh I've had enough." Said Jordan. "Drop a f--king ball old man! There's a pond right beside you, any chance it went in there!" He yelled.
I laughed. "Jordan ease off, you're upstaging me here." I said, staring at the enraged senior citizen. "Oh look at that, you made Santa clause give us the finger."
Jordan gave the finger back. "I'll drive our cart over that man, I swear to god."
I took my club out of my bag and walked to the tee box. "We'll wait and see how bad we play to do that." I said, pausing to push my tee into the turf. "Anyways man as I was saying, I didn't sign any of those clients you sent me. Including the YouTube kid."
Jordan began to practice his swing beside our cart. "Yeah, I didn't have as many good clients as I thought I did when I told you I'd send them."
"No." I said. "You definitely didn't."
He laughed and began to stretch. "But was wrong with the YouTube kid? Some of that shit is pretty funny."
"The whole awkward stuttering thing is not funny." I said.
Jordan rolled his eyes. "You're definitely not in a position to be picky."
"It's not that Jordan"I said. It's the fact that I want to represent a real, legitimate client."
"And the poon goon kid isn't." He said, laughing.
"The poon goon definitely isn't." I said.
"Yeah, you're right." He said absent minded as he shovelled through his golf bag."I'll tell you what man, I got this client over at the agency that's a real asshole and hard to deal with."
"Well I'm an asshole." I said, excitedly.
He laughed. "Exactly, and I'm getting real tired of the bullshit. So I could send her over, she has a ton of potential too."
"Oh, it's a girl." I said, surprised. "Well I guess I could take her if she has potential."
"Yeah, I knew you would." Said Jordan, grinning. "Now, since I did you a favour, you have to do me one."
"And what would that be?" I asked.
Jordan walked over to my golf bag. "Here's your five iron, and ten balls." He said. "Teach that old guy a lesson."
I hesitated to grab the club. "So she's got a ton of potential?" I asked.
"A ton." said Jordan.
I grabbed the club and lined up my shot. "Bombs away motherf--ker!"
Shawn, Coulter, and Tanner opened up the doors to my car and sat down. "Hey douche bags, ready to go?" I said.
As usual, Shawn was the only one to talk. "You know it Dan, we all went shopping today and got some clothes. We're going to look good for this guy."
I smiled in the rear-view mirror. "And yet you still look like you shop at Wal-Mart."
"Whatever Dan. So who's this guy were going to see tonight?" Asked Shawn.
I pulled out of the driveway. "Well since you guys decided to become The White f--king Stripes, I had to search long and hard to find someone." I said, pausing to cut off a minivan. "I remembered this guy named Don Hind from this small label named Synesthete who owed me a favour, so I managed to drag him out to meet us in some shitty Chinese restaurant."
"Why does he owe you a favour?" asked Tanner.
"Baby's second words!" I exclaimed. "Well if you guys really want to know, we were out at a club a long time ago and he wanted to go home with this girl, except she had an ugly friend with her. So being the god damn stand up guy I am, I took the ugly girl home and showed her a thing or two."
Coulter interrupted me. "More like an inch or two."
The whole car erupted into laughter. "Good one asshole, but since I took her home Don was able to hook up with that girl, who ended up being his future wife." I said.
"Aw, well isn't that sweet." Said Shawn.
I looked in the rear-view mirror at Shawn. "You better think that it's sweet Shawn, because if it wasn't for my dick you guys wouldn't have a label offer."
"This is the only time I'll be thankful towards your dick." Said Shawn.
We pulled into the parking lot and got out of the car. "Alright guys, now were going to talk to someone with actual money." I said. "So shut the f--k up and let me do the talking."
"Whatever Dan." Said Shawn.
I turned at the restaurant door. "I'm serious guys. Not a word from any of you until spoken to. That'll be easy for Tanner though."
I walked into the lobby in front of the band, as Tanner tried to use the few words he had to compare me to a dry hand job.
"So where is he?" Said Shawn, as we both looked around the restaurant.
"He's over there, next to the emerald dragon." I said.
"Holy shit he's fat, but whatever, let's go." said Shawn.
I glanced around the restaurant, and froze in my place as I stared at a table in the opposite corner. "What the f--k?" I said.
Shawn stopped walking and turned around. "Let's go, what's wrong?"
I took a long, hard look before speaking. "Well, that's my two kids over there in the corner, and that's my ex wife there too." I said.
Shawn looked into the corner. "Oh, do you want to say hi to them? Wait, who's that guy they're with?"
Shawn interrupted. "Oh, I thought he looked familiar. Why is your family eating with Phil Hedden?"
I took one final glance and began to walk towards our table. "Couldn't f--king tell you." I said.