Airstream. Chapter 1

This seems like the hot thing to do now for writers on here. I'm trying something a bit different: this is a non-musical novel that I've been working on for a little while now. It's a very rough draft. I'm putting it up on here to get just a little bit of feedback so I can figure out what to tweak. Here's the first chapter.

logo
Ultimate Guitar
0

The winter that my mother died felt colder than usual because there was nobody left to light the fireplace at night or make cups of hot cocoa with little marshmallows and a dollop of whipped cream. My father couldn't have provided these things for us if he wanted to; he was a businessman through and through, and the only services he could hope to offer his young children would be to help us with our tax returns once we grew old enough to leave the homestead. I was nine at the time and my brother was twelve, old enough to understand the tragedy but not quite old enough to realize the overall implications of it. We were to be a household of boys, a sort of forced fraternity. The only problem was that until then, none of us had been very close. That winter dinners were Easy-Mac, ham sandwiches, and whatever else we could make ourselves while father meditated on glass after glass of bourbon in his study; we knew he wasn't to be disturbed, so we didn't disturb him, and he returned the favor.

Our small house sat silent at the end of a dead cul-de-sac until late December. I was in the kitchen stirring a can of Campbell's soup over the stovetop while my brother trimmed the Christmas tree in the next room over. We were both wearing sweaters that Mrs. Robinson next door had given to us in place of ones that my mother might have made around that time, but these ones were itchy and had holes in them and were made out of a different kind of yarn than the ones that mother made. The central heating was on the fritz so we'd resorted to lighting the fireplace as often as possible, but there wasn't one in the kitchen so it was so cold that I resorted to placing my hands near the low-lying flames of the stovetop. I was about to pour the soup into a bowl when my father came in from his study.

Dwight, would you get in here? Adlai, come over here for a second, I have something important to tell you two.

My father had a certain powerful presence in our eyes: to us, he embodied authority in its purest form. The average onlooker, however, might see him as a sad, overworked, heavyset suit. That onlooker wouldn't be too far off.

Kids, this Christmas, I think I want to take us all on a trip.

Does that mean we're not getting presents? was the first thing my brother managed to blurt out. My father wasn't one for violence, but he also wasn't in the mood for childlike stupidity, so he smacked my brother upside the head on the spot.

The trip can be your present. I'm taking us all toto see some family. I feel like we've been a bit out of touch.

Even then I could understand that by family he had meant mother's familyall of my father's relatives were either dead already or too crazy to bother contacting. Besides the occasional reunion, I didn't have too much of a reason or opportunity to get to know those who had been close to my mother, and frankly, I didn't particularly care to.

Well what if I don't want to go?

Too bad, this is something that I decided we all need to do as a family. Besides, some of our relatives might have kids your guys' ages. You could play with them.

Now that was a prospect that my brother and I could look forward to. We hadn't had much contact with the neighborhood boys in a while; most of them didn't know what to say to us, so they decided not to bother trying to say anything at all. My brother and I shook our heads eagerly like dogs waiting for a treat with squeals of sounds great! and when do we get to leave? The trip was no longer some silly business dropped on us to ruin Christmas; we now saw it as an adventure to undertake.

We were to leave a few days after Christmas. Neither of us boys slept a wink until our departure day finally came.

24 comments sorted by best / new / date

    kingurth
    And hell, I've been criticizing all of the story's bizarre formatting issues for a long time. Only now do I realize the UG reformats everything all awkwardly (speech in italics? double-spaced paragraph breaks? WTF) And thanks for all of the constructive criticism.
    blood_and_gold
    NearlyPrescient wrote: a point? I was under the impression from comments he's made that he's writing it entirely as he goes along. of course, I'm assuming by point, you mean plot. realistically, anything could happen in Disbelief if he doesn't actually know where he's going. though I'm not sure why this story is here and not on a website like fictionpress.com instead since it's admittedly not music related, I do admit that it's an interesting and well written start.
    Because nobody reads anything on fictionpress. I don't blame the guy for trying to get a bit of publicity on here - it's a good plan. I quite like this story. It needs a bit of tweaking here and there but there is some definate talent. And what is more, I like that it's not about music. This website really doesn't need any more stories about kids in rock bands. Really.
    NearlyPrescient
    CrossBack7 wrote: 6_Feet_Below wrote: Phoenix-Kun wrote: wow, its like story time on UG seriously, after Guitargasm ended like 5 stories suddenly appeared lol Yeah, except Colohue's is actually well done. And, ya' know, has a point to it.
    a point? I was under the impression from comments he's made that he's writing it entirely as he goes along. of course, I'm assuming by point, you mean plot. realistically, anything could happen in Disbelief if he doesn't actually know where he's going. though I'm not sure why this story is here and not on a website like fictionpress.com instead since it's admittedly not music related, I do admit that it's an interesting and well written start.
    madguitrist
    im a fellow book writer and i need to tell you that you dont tell us how the charchter feels during this to theres no way im ganna be emotionally connected to them, plus its a bit to bland, bu tother thatn that why the hell did you post a story on ultimate guiar that has nothing to do with music, thats just stupid, they already have book websites for that, go find one
    KingGohma
    This story attempts to emulate the classic folksy style of being very anecdotal and nostalgic but fails in drawing in the readers attention and sympathy. Keep trying though.
    Rockstar729
    I'm mad... My story still hasn't got published... This one has potential, but I'm kinda wondering if there will be any music stuff in it...
    ratlr
    serioulsy, dude u can write. i read all the stories that get posted on ug, and yours actually has a style and some talent
    kingurth
    Fuck, in all honestly I forgot that I even submitted this. I started writing this a long time ago and submitted it to UG on a whim because I realized that people comment on stuff...I tried to take it back when I realized that it wasn't at all music related but I guess I can't :-P Yeah...I'm not going to continue this here. If anybody cares message me and I'll give you a link.
    boyblue
    dam Nolan! he made it look too easy! but the difference here is that i WANTED to read Nolan's next one
    alaub1491
    Comeback Road beats all the stories including Guitargasm! (although Nolan is a great writer) and although I read it to pass the time, I find Colohue's story to a little bland and cliche at times. Not the plot, but just the writing style and sentence structure. It sometimes feels weak. No offense Colohue. I think its a good think that a bunch of aspiring writers are popping up on UG. Give them some time and let them get past chapter 1 before judging their every word.
    CrossBack7
    6_Feet_Below wrote: Phoenix-Kun wrote: wow, its like story time on UG seriously, after Guitargasm ended like 5 stories suddenly appeared lol
    Yeah, except Colohue's is actually well done. And, ya' know, has a point to it.
    akhimakhi93
    6_Feet_Below wrote: Phoenix-Kun wrote: wow, its like story time on UG seriously, after Guitargasm ended like 5 stories suddenly appeared lol
    yeh lol
    mystical_1
    I'm kinda hoping that they are off to visit the "Manson" family. That would be a unique twist to keep me reading. Music relevance would be cool too.
    6_Feet_Below
    Phoenix-Kun wrote: wow, its like story time on UG
    seriously, after Guitargasm ended like 5 stories suddenly appeared lol
    Riot Act
    Story time indeed, this is getting a little crazy, I won't be able to keep up with all these.
    TheShadow
    Good ol' Nolan has inspired a whole bunch of people. It's good to see so many stories, but they all seem to be a bit samey... =|