Brad Whitford Saves The World

"Do you expect me to play you the solo to 'Last Child'?" "No, Mr. Whitford, I expect you to die!"

Ultimate Guitar

What an absolutely perfect day! The sun shines brightly through a clear, blue, cloudless sky over the main stage of the Download Festival as fans eagerly await the one, the only Aerosmith to take the stage! Backstage, however, things aren't quite so perfect...

"Where the hell is Brad?!? We can't do the show without him!" Joe Perry, who rarely loses his cool over matters that don't involve the band's lead singer Steven Tyler, is on a take-no-prisoners rampage looking for his friend and signature rhythm guitarist. He knows deep down that, despite how loud he turns up his amp and how many beginner blues scales he incorporates into his playing, he simply can't carry the show on his own. "If we don't find him before the show, I'm not playing! End of story!" Tom Hamilton, the band's bass player, wants to say something to comfort Perry, but forgot how to speak many months ago after a long stretch of not doing so. All he can do is sit in the corner and pray that Brad shows up in time. I mean, let's face it. It's not like Tom's gonna be putting out a solo album any time soon... Meanwhile, in a nearby warehouse, Brad Whitford fights for his life...

Brad kicks open the doors to the warehouse and is immediately met with a baseball bat to the back of his head. He had been tracking a drug dealer for the past few weeks, and all clues led to this exact address. The bat knocked him out cold. He awoke hours later to somebody he never expected to see...

"Trent Reznor?!? But I... I don't understand... You've been the one dealing the drugs?" Reznor looked disgusted at the fact that he even had to explain himself. "Don't you get it, Brad? There ARE no drugs! I needed a way to lure you out here for my master plan to fully take form." "And just what IS your 'master plan,' Mr. Reznor?" "To keep you from playing the Download Festival!" "You b-stard! What could you possibly gain by doing such a thing?!?" Brad had no idea how he was gonna get out, but the most important thing was to keep Trent talking. 

"What could I possibly gain...? WHY DON'T YOU ASK THAT TO CBS!" "I don't understand, Trent..." "WHAT DID THOSE A-SHOLES POSSIBLY GAIN BY CUTTING MY GRAMMY PERFORMANCE SHORT?!? So they got a few more seconds of advertising, so what?!? That's when I knew it... I knew that rock was truly dead... And now, I want the entire world to know it. That's why I led you out here. So I could hold you captive and keep you from Download. I know Aerosmith are nothing without you, and that they'd never dare try to play. Once they cancel, the fans will go mad and completely abandon their precious 'rock and roll' for good. Just like me..."

"Trent, you don't have to do this... You can still turn back. Rock isn't dead. We just have to remind people that it's still a force to be reckoned with, but not like this. We can make music. Let's do it! Me and you! We'll release a collaborative work the likes of which even Zeppelin couldn't rival! We can single-handedly revive rock, Trent!"

"Do you really mean that, Brad...? Do you think there's still hope...?"

"Of course I do..."

Trent Reznor unties Brad and the two embrace each other. Suddenly, Brad shoots Trent in the stomach! "But... Why, Brad...?" "Come on, Trent! You kidnapped me! Plus, why would I ever work with you?"

Trent Reznor proceeds to die a slow and painful death as Brad looks to his watch, "Yikes! We gotta play Download any minute!" Brad then calls upon his spirit animal, Jim Morrison, and rides him to the show.

"Brad! Thank God you're here! But... Where were you...?" "Good to see you too, Joe! And don't you worry about that. I just had some... Pre show nerves is all."

[Brad looks off-screen and winks.]


Aerosmith proceeded to play the Download Festival and made it through a two hour set without a hiccup. The police arrived at the scene of Trent Reznor's death only to find the body gone... Most importantly, thanks to Brad, rock has lived to fight another day...

The End

9 comments sorted by best / new / date

    I like this because it is about Brad Whitford. The guy plays circles around Joe Perry (nothing against Joe Perry....Brad's just a great guitarist).
    It was alright and all up to the bit with Jim Morrison as a spirit animal. That catapulted it over the top <3