Captain Socky Peg Leg Peggy
Based on the character and ideas of Rudolph Labuschagne (2009)
Miss Peggy was no pig and had a very peggy peg leg. There was a man who did all he could to steal that piece of wood, but Peggy persevered and got him good. A bonk on the head and he was dead, and off went peg legged Peggy to kiss the boys and ask them why good men always die
Now our dearest Captain was back on the Booty, a ship that sailed like hot patootie, and from somewhere within came a big grin when he saw little Miss Peggy walk by. Golly miss Molly, he said to his parrot, named Holly, what a fine leg she has, not a splinter in sight, I'm sure she shaves, and no man by her side, no need too sigh, he said, Holly, she's mine.
With that he was off with just his birthday suit on for an eternal nudist is he, and thus he ran after her along the beach.
With a startled yelp she turned around and was astounded at the sight she found, behind her an old man was following at a jog, and she turned and ran with her leg made of log. He sped up his pursuit in his invisible suit, thinking of the loot back on the ship, when suddenly though with no need and no how he tripped and fell over an Asian called Chow. This ain't to be racist, but the man truly was of Asian descent, and although he looked more like a Tommy or Billy, his name definitely wasn't Trent. Nor was it Polly, Sally or Sue, no he was a Chow-man through and through. Miss Peggy spun around at the sound of the commotion and fell in a puddle of sun-tan lotion, the little blonde laughed at all the fun as a hog devoured a dog, but the pig couldn't dig, or go fetch a stick, and thus his owner put him down. With a frown Captain Socky got up from the ground, looking around, not hearing a sound, it seems the fall had made him deaf. It was annoying, he was irritable and in his rage threw an old squirrel with a shoe he just had happened to have handy, that squirrel wasn't left fine and dandy but rather comatose.
Now turning to his fallen beloved, he helped her up and quickly got on it, it being a pick up line that never worked, he'd probably have more luck in the woods, but even a tree would say no to him coz he was ugly. Somehow though, by some force of fate, she liked it and agreed to go on a date. He said he'd pick her up at eight, and she said whoa, that's really late!
So prim and proper, Peggy with her peg legged varnished waited on her date to take her out for some fish, oh how disappointed she would be. It was already past nine when she heard a knock on her door, oh golly it can't be he. She'd already gone to bed when she heard it again and this time she opened the window only to see, that yes indeed, it was he. She opened the door, once more, begging an explanation, but he offered none, and instead offered her a kiss, which she chose to miss for sailors kiss like crud.
What he didn't say was that he'd been swallowed by a whale, a whale named Whaley to be exact. He barely escaped with all his joints intact, but he couldn't tell her that. Instead he brayed like an ass and on knees asked her forgiveness. She said okay, but only if he would state why he was late. With a shuffle of feet he finally agreed and told her the sordid tale. Well Rub a dub dub, I was swimming in my tub, getting ready for tonight, when suddenly out of nowhere, with a splash and a thud, came a creature that gave me a fright. There it was, a man eater of mass proportions, never have I seen such strange contortions as on the faces of those at the bath house, they were filled with fear, but luckily I was near, and they fed me to the beast of vengeance, coming to avenge the incarceration of his mistress. This whale, you see, belonged not to me, but to a wretched ninja kittie named Miss Tiki. I bribed a judge, with a batch of fresh fudge, at a hearing that got her locked up, the charges weren't arson, or murder, or any sort of fun, but rather for going on the run after kissing Attila the Hun, and thus she commited treason. Kissing and fleeing without good reason is a felony in most places, especially in that city where she was thrown in jail and forced to eat the key.
This caused confusion to cloud Peggy's face, and the Captain continued to recount his disgrace. I never liked that old sea hag, I've always though she was a drag, a queen you know, like that prissy one out in the desert, who cares what his name was, I always forget. Now she did have a good reason, and that was that she was angry, in anger she fled, for fear that she might kill him, that she might cause his death. Attila was a darling, and the girls loved him so, and thus one night she came home to see him licking his friend's toe, now this was strange and totally rearranged all the thoughts harbored in her mind. These new thoughts weren't kind. Now I, as a rival, did the best I could, to ascertain that she was put away for good, and thus on the morning of her judicial hearing, I brought not only fudge but also chocolate and red herring, which I think is a fish, but I'm not the kind too partake in that sort of dish, but I'm told it's good.
And so we then came to this fearful meeting, with a whale that wanted to decapitate me with its teeth. It swallowed me whole, and just as a mole would I tried to climb out through the blowhole, but alas it was shut, and my mind was shot, how was I to get out? Luckily though I had an envelope, one of those that never stick, no matter how much you lick, and hanging from a swollen tonsil, placed it on the stupid whale's tongue.
The whale dehydrated and his lungs, it deflated, he gasped himself to death, asking water, water, bring me some water, but the bath had been dried up by an old lady with a sponge, damn old lady, why'd she eat all the popcorn, poor popped corn. Cambodia rhymes with Cambodia, and Kennedy is dead, and her job being done, the Old Lady went back to bed.
And thus, said the Captain, in dramatic finale, I escaped from the maws of the silly old whale, and now I stand before you here, asking you for more, more of your sweet loving, more, and that's when she slammed the door
Three days later Captain aboard his boat was, when a voodoo priestess came up to him. Her name was Miss Tiki, and with a vicious grin and a chicken head in her mouth, dripping blood unto the deck, his whale escapade started over again
Bad news notice, before the tall tale comes to an end, Ed is dead, but smile and be of good mood, for he died fighting in an enchanted wood, on an enchanted Isle, the plain leaves tomorrow, just as it does everyday.
Copyright: Andre Darius Labuschagne (21 July 2009)