DOA. Part 1

I felt like writing a story and this what I've come up with so far.

Ultimate Guitar

As they drove to the show at The Spot, the members of Red Knife were wishing that they were playing. Unfortunately, John, the drummer, had quit the band to go to college two weeks prior. The remaining members, Rick, Sandra, and Harrison wouldn't be going off to college anytime soon and they knew that they would have been on the billing for this gig if John hadn't left the band. They couldn't blame him, however, and John had left the band on good terms.

Rick pulled into the parking lot and they all climbed out somberly. They knew that this show was going to be average, that it would lack the energy and excitement that Red Knife always brought. As they paid and walked in, Rick noticed the few people in this room. "Only squares show up early." he thought. He looked at his watch, it was 9:20. The show had started over an hour ago.

Sandra, with her long, flowing, brown hair resting on her shoulders, watched as Nonetheless played, obviously trying their hardest to bring in a decent crowd. As they pounded through their most well known song 'in A Fraction Of A Second', Sandra looked around, and guessed that, maybe two dozen people showed, at most.

The members of Red Knife hung around until 10:00, and no one was coming. Nonetheless had already finished their set, and Frozen With Fear was halfway through their set. Harrison, or Harry as he had been called since elementary school, had always thought that Frozen With Fear was one of the better bands in the area, but they weren't bringing in much of a crowd tonight. They continued to watch Frozen With Fear raged and attempted to bring excitement to the show. Anyone there could tell that their lead singer, Will, was beyond drunk. At about 10:15, Harry suggested that they all go to get a beer. Since this was a small show, there wasn't any alcohol being served and it got boring real fast.

As they pulled out of the parking lot, the sounds of screaming metal coming from inside the buliding, came to a sudden stop. They could tell that Frozen With Fear was stopping midway through their set. They saw Will walk out to his van and drive away, with their drummer, Robby, running behind, shouting out insults at him.

"f--king prick! Yeah, that's right. Go home, screw us over! f--king asshole!" Robby continued shouting until he was out of range.

Rick pulled out close to where Robby had sat down on the curb, and started smoking a cigarette. "Hey Robby, you guys need a ride home?" Harry called out from the passenger seat of the grey van.

"Yeah, dude. That would be f--king great. Mind if we cram our shit into your van?" Robby replied, flicking the cigarette he had been smoking, down to the ground, and stomping it out.

Rick told Robby to go ahead, and he backed into the loading area, as Robby went in to help get the gear.

After they had packed all of their gear in, Robby and the rest of Frozen With Fear climbed in, and sat down on the floor near their gear. By the time Rick dropped everyone off at their places, it was close to 1:00 in the morning. Rick slowly drove through the city of Ashland, Wisconsin. He saw flashing lights in his rearview mirror, and pulled over, preparing for an officer to come up to his car. An ambulance shot past him. He followed, from a distance, not to see what was going on, but to get to his house. The ambulance pulled into a parking lot, where a van had crashed into the wall of restaurant. Rick watched as they used the jaws of life to get the person out of the van. He recognized that van with it's silver and blue flames. It was Will's van. He watched as they dragged him out of the car. They weren't being all that careful. He heard someone pronounce him DOA.

Rick woke up that Saturday, to his seven-year-old sister, Janice, handing him the hone. He sat up in bed and listened, as his sister closed the door on her way out. He heard a familiar voice over the phone. It was Robby.

"Hey dude, there any chance you seen Will since last night? He hasn't shown up to practice yet, and his cellphone is turned off. So we're calling up random people that might know where he is." Rick didn't know how to tell him what he had seen last night. Sure, Will was a prick, but he didn't deserve to die.

"Maybe, you should call the local police station," Rick suggested, "He seemed pretty blitzed last night when he as leaving."

Rick hung up and went to the fridge. He opened it up and grabbed a carton of milk. After drinking from it and wiping off his face, he put it back. He slammed the fridge door shut, and headed towards his room. He picked up his black B.C. Rich Virgin. He plugged it in, along with his effects, and started to play. He played through two Red Knife songs, and thought about how they didn't have a drummer. After a little while, he turned off the amp and put down his guitar. Rick picked up the phone. He dialed a number and heard a familiar voice pick up on the other end.

"Hey Sandra. Can you get over here? I think we should figure out the whole drummer situation."

"Sure, I don't mind having a practice today." Sandra replied.

"It's not a practice if we don't have a drummer, can you just come over?"

She agreed and hung up. Rick started punching the numbers to Harry's phone. Over the phone he heard the machine pick up and he hung the phone up. He went to his room and tried to find the piece of paper that he had wrote Harry's cell phone number on. Harry hadn't had his cellphone very long and Rick hadn't to call it yet, so he didn't have a clue what it was. He eventually picked out of his pants pocket. He had forgotten it was in there. He furiously dialed it out. He heard Harry pick up.

"Yo. What's up Rick?" Harry said as he answered.

"Can you get over here? We need to talk about our drummer problem, I already called Sandra."

"Sure. I can swing by." Harry said as he hung up.

Rick sat down and thought for a while before they arrived.

26 comments sorted by best / new / date

    It's a little robotic in places but for the most part it's well written. It will be interesting to see where this goes.
    I thought it was alright, not fantastic but not terrible. The main things to make it better would be; A: Editing. B: More descritpion. C: Better flow - i.e, there are alot of 'jolts' in the story, and it goes by much too quickly - adding more description can help with this, also include more details about what the characters are feeling or doing, like when he's driving Frozen With Fear home, what do they talk about, or do to the pass the time? Hard to tell whether or not the plot will be interesting from just one chapter (although dial-a-death is right in saying that what happens in the short-term seems kind of obvious), so I won't comment on that.
    Describe people and place with more detail over detailed action (like taking milk?) that doesn't need much description. give details to the correct places and people and it might turn out as a interesting read.
    GSD N3 wrote: Robotic meaning what exactly?
    IMO its good writing, but a lot of its seems like a statement of fact, not something the reader can relate to. I.E. "Rick hung up and went to the fridge. He opened it up and grabbed a carton of milk. After drinking from it and wiping off his face, he put it back." Lots of facts, no feelings. "Rick hung up the phone and lazily wandered to the fridge. Still wiping the sleep from his eyes, he opened the fridge and grabbed a carton of milk. After a long satisfying swig, he returned the milk to the fridge, still contemplating the wreck he had seen the night before." or some shit like that. You need more expression. Stories good, keep it coming.
    GSD N3
    GisleAune wrote: It's a great sory, will read part two if you ever write it.
    Already Written and submitted. The first three are up in my blog and I will continue to update it after i submit the part. I have the first four parts and part of the fifth written.
    GSD N3
    snot_foster25 wrote: I suggest you find someone willing to act as an editor to check over your work and make comments before you post it. That'd help you a lot, I think.
    Anyone here mind helping me out with that? I do have the first three parts up in my blog...
    I suggest you find someone willing to act as an editor to check over your work and make comments before you post it. That'd help you a lot, I think.
    GSD N3
    well, im posting this on UG, to get some CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, and thank you for that. and yeah, the plotline is supposed to be seemingly straightforward, but realize that this is only the first one and not all of the characters, and twists, have been thrown into it yet. and I'm not trying to be Nolan, other people are allowed to write, you know. But Thanks for the constructive criticism. and the next installment is coming soon, hopefully. although its not very good, its really all recap...
    2 words: spell check. also, there are several words missing altogether. The idea's ok, but its REALLY obvious what's going to happen. Red Knife have no drummer, drummer from Frozen With Fear just had his band member die on him. 2 combine to form "supergroup" or w/e. Short, monotonous and obvious plotline. Verdict: you're gunna have to make some BIG changes.
    everyone's being a critic... dont like it? dont read it. simple on to the actualy story, i quite liked it although it did move a bit fast, i like where its going. cept i dont like the name to be honest. not related to the main band. or not yet anyway
    Icarus Lives
    I think it moves too fast. It's a fault in lots of the new stories on UG. Your writing will improve as you get older. Read more, write more, study the techniques of accomplished popular writers.
    You need to improve your prose to make it more literary and captivating to the reader. You've created a good plot, but your actual expression of it is somewhat bland. Be more descriptive, evoke more feelings, make it more interesting to read. Your writing is so matter of fact and report-like that it kinda detracts from a pretty solid plot. Keep writing though, I enjoyed this and I'd like to see where it goes. I gave you an 8/10 for it.
    To be honest, I could only read the first two paragraphs. The authors writing style is robotic. It seemed almost like I was reading a transcript or something. I also agree, there are to many stories coming out now, UG is in need of some quality control. Best of luck to the author, I didn't mean to offend, only offer what little critique I could.
    sam i am
    Seems a little easier to follow than that Disbelief one, it lost me a long time a go. I'll see how thsi goes...