Dumb Is More Lucrative

This shows some of Avenged Sevenfold's marketing strategies for "Hail to the King," in a fictionalized way.

Ultimate Guitar

Picture Avenged Sevenfold, the famous pop band with tattoos and Marshall Amps, in a room with their manager, their publicist, their hair stylist, their tattoo artist, their beautician and the people who pay them to be the manufactured crap they are; all at a business meeting:

The "Director" has some new ideas: "So you, the singer, I always forget your name..."

M. Shadows: "M. Shadows sir."

The "Director": "Yea whatever... Grow your hair! That will make you look metal!".

M. Shadows: "Can I keep my sunglasses?"

The "Director": "Of course, just don't change the aviator because they look "old school." And another thing, do some Dio impersonation, metal fans love Dio, they will think you are influenced by him; I'll send you the vocal coach tomorrow, you start at 8am."

M. Shadows: "Not at 8am please, my favorite cartoon..."

The Director: "Shut up! Cartoons, that's all you know! What a bunch of retards... And morning cartoons nowadays are not even good anymore!"

M. Shadows: "..."

Director: "You two, the guitarists, change your shoes for something that looks classy. I booked you for a Guitar World magazine cover."

Synyster Gates: "But I love my sneakers..."

The other guitarist: "Me too I love my shoes and..."

Synyster: "You! You don't speak. You're only in the band because you're left-handed and it looks cool on stage with me being right-handed."

Director: "Shut up both of you! Your manager will prepare you for what to say and what to wear."

Manager: "Don't worry sir, the next album will be a success, I have a great marketing strategy."

After the recording of the album...

Manager: "Hey, let's make some promotional stuff before this cool album comes out!"

1 - "Let's do interviews!"

In interviews: "We are so metal! Our influences are Black Sabbath and Metallica, so we learned classical music and blues."

2 - "Let's make a cheesy looking artwork and post it!"

After they receive the artwork which was made by the worst artist alive:

"It's a dumb artwork of a skeleton guy with a crown and bat wings who slaughters some guys which are also skeletons... JUST WHAT WE WANTED! It's for dumb kids who listen to our music! They will like it!"

After everyone expresses their disgust about the artwork, Avenged Sevenfold contact their manager:

Avenged: "Sh-t."

Manager: "Yea yea I know, they're not as dumb as we thought..."

Avenged: "What will we do?"

Manager: "You want it updated a bit? I'll find someone who knows to use Photoshop to make it look better."

Avenged: "They also hate the title font."

Manager: "I know..."

After that's done, they post it, the reactions:

The fans: "So this is the real one! Amazing I love it."

Non-fans: "Meh..."

People who hate them: "That's awful..."

Then, when people start commenting that it's the same crap made to look somehow decent thanks to Photoshop magic, they talk to their manager again:

Avenged: "What will we do? What will we do?"

Manager: "You know what? Let's screw everyone by saying that it's the single artwork, and let's just use a simple artwork, something like the 'Black Album' of Metallica because you are influenced by Metallica."

So that's what happens.

The reactions:

The fans: "Ow so that was not the artwork for the album! Great, the black one is amaaaazing."

3 - "Let's make photos!"

Photographer at promo photos session: "The two guys on each side, yes you and you, the guitarists, when you stand by that billiard table, close your fists because that's so metal."

After the album comes out...

The fans: "Wooooow it's a masterpiece, there's even one song that made me almost cry!"

Non-fans: "Meh..."

Some other non-fans who hate them: "That song sounds like that other song from that band, and the album cover looks like that album cover from that other band, and this and that, and the logo, and Overkill should sue them etc etc etc etc."

Some other non-fans: "Meh..."

Some fans answering the non-fans who hate them: "You know nothing about music! You don't have ears! Go kill yourself! Avenged Sevenfold is the best band in the world! You're jealous! Nana nana na, nana nana na etc etc etc etc."

Some other non fans: "That's generic bullsh-t..."

The "Music" papers reviewing the songs of the album: "That album is amazing!"

The guys from Avenged Sevenfold: "Yeah, we just did it again, copying Guns N' Roses and other rock bands to make sh-tty generic songs, we can get away with it again because we are influenced by them, stealing the album title from a video game and making ballady stuff with the piano to please the chicks. It worked!"

58 comments sorted by best / new / date

    you have too much free time
    That's right... It could have been a good critical column, but it's dumb... That's why I laughed, It's a hilarious joke, or an stupid critic made by a child...
    I don't understand all the hate on this band. Yeah the new album is kinda shitty but their past stuff is really cool. The Fans are insufferable though, like nothing else will ever be better than what they say.
    The thing is, Avenged Sevenfold is a "young" band, and some of their audience takes them for gods. I hate those fans. For one, they say that Rev was the best drummer ever, when he was only mediocre for a metal drummer. Their new drummer, Arin is a lot better. I'm actually a hardcore fan, but I could say there's some plagiarism on their new CD. And that, really sucks..
    The Rev was overrated. Hell, even the original drummer from Suburban Legends was better than him!
    I actually think Rev was the only one who was able to do something. Write decent songs and play multiple instruments. In my opinion he was an outstanding drummer while the rest of the band is just, in words of this article, "meh".
    I just enjoy reading how majority here are so butthurt about this article. Yes, it fails on the humor side, but many of this is quite near to truth. You don't have to hate them to say they are copycats. Read Robb Flynn's rant about this album... I think this reaction towards them is fair enough. AND! Downvoting starts in 3,2,1 GO!
    everyone doesn't have the same humour, but I'm glad there some people who realise the "truth" of this piece of fiction.
    people just don`t seem to get over other peoples success.. i know the influences are there and i can tell every single one, but even dream theater has done some pretty obvious rip offs (muse anyone?)... i think the album is amazing and its great to have a metal band doing great!!
    Why did you even took the time to write this, if you dislike the band so much????
    The most pathetic thing about this is that Ultimate Guitar decided to put it on the site.
    I am really starting to hate the elitists who criticize the modern rock scenes. It's something that always happens: when something new comes along, everyone either jumps on the bandwagon to love it or rage against it. But, truthfully, these new scenes are critical to the genres they are attached to. Not can just jump into something like Slayer. Some people have to slowly dip their toes in and progressively immerse themselves into the pool. Take me, for example. I first got acquainted with metal by listening to Godsmack. They were my favorite band, but EVERYONE gave me shit for it. I didn't care. However, I looked at bands similar to them like Drowning Pool and Breaking Benjamin and liked them. Then I got curious when I heard of their influences. I traced myself back to Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath, then went back down different areas of the tree. Hell, lately I've been obsessed with Kreator, Destruction, and Sodom. To sum it up for the TL,DR crowd, Avenged Sevenfold, Asking Alexandria, and Black Veil Brides may not be the best representatives for metal, but at least they're a gateway for future metalheads.
    what makes you think I hate new bands? I like plenty of new bands just as I hate a lot of older bands. actually there are more older bands that I hate than newer ones that I dig, but those are not bands that keep saying "we are influenced by such and such" and pretend to reinvent metal. If an "artist" makes a clown of himself and that artist is not Spinal Tap then I will make fun of him/her/them, whether you like or not. and I'll do it here or elsewehere.
    havent avenged sevenfold been around for a fairly long time? whats all this "new" talk??
    While this echos all of my sentiments about this band with stunning accuracy. I'm not sure if this wouldn't be better off as a rant in the pit. I'm not exactly sure why it was published as a column. Big ups to the author though. I'm glad some people see through the image marketing. That guitar world interview was just awful.
    thank you, and it was published here because it's the "fiction" section
    they did copy other bands a little on their last album but you sound really butthurt ... axl is that you ?
    Really disliked this from UG, NOT BECAUSE A7X. If you had to write something so downgrading, why hit A7X rather than someone destroying the music scene? ALOT of targets out their in "music"
    Warner and other corporations are destroying the music "business". A7x is signed to whom? .... the music scene is fine, there are good bands out there.
    Thanks for responding. Totally true about Warner. There are good bands out there, you shouldn't be satisfied with the "out there" part though. That's the problem today, and at least A7X was able to progress musically (for music). A lot of worse acts out there although your point about Warner makes A7X After-Afterlife look sold-out. For that point about music in age, there was always studio bands and shit bands just not as bad as what we have going today (And to me the good was more creative and likely to stumble upon).
    And just saying, what's wrong with influences? that's what makes there music good, sure they over say it way too much and gets on my nerves sometimes, but hey, in the end, it's all about the musciianship
    This made me smile. Mainly because of all the people so pissed off about a "fictional" article....those guys are awesome hahaha
    Hahahah this is brilliant!! So true xD What a lackluster band, undeserving of their position.
    It's really neat that you spent roughly an hour of your day publishing an article just to emphasize how much you dislike a certain band. You also used a meme in your thumbnail picture, which tells me a lot about how immature and worthless you are.
    I've spent 15 minutes on that article. and the picture was made by UG not by me
    I have to say that I am amazed. Amazed at how visibly one can express his negative attitude towards a band. Amazed at how simplistic this article is. Amazed at how low UG has sunken to actually publish this piece of crap. One more word: boo.
    I used to be a fan and I actually find their new album fairly decent, and I've got to admit I found the first scenario pretty funny. But then by the time it got to "interviews" it was a bit excessive, whether you agree with it or not it's a bit over the top and it's making me question why people would hate them this much
    believe or not, the only part of all this that actually did happen is the interview part. I wrote this. It's a joke. if you get it, fine. if you don't get it, you know what? it's fine too! this column is in the fiction section. it's called fiction for a reason. UG could reject it but they published it and I'm proud