Fever. Part 0

A prologue to the story of 15 year old Claudio and his life in sleepy Hanover, Pennsylvania.

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I thought of the last time her sapphire eyes looked right through me, feeling like they had pierced my very soul, my very being. She looked so beautiful, dirty blonde hair falling upon her chest ever so gently, and a small adorable smile found its way onto her face. It had been a good day. My vagrant mind had been wandering in all sorts of places up until I saw her, and then everything felt alright for just a look and a smile. And that's why I grabbed the knife.

Not letting myself get distracted by the world's most wonderful girl when I had an assailant to deal with. And even worse, when I almost missed my chance to grab the pocketknife that fell out of my pocket and get the upper hand on this idiot. He had the smell of jellybeans and Jack Daniel's on his breath, he was obviously homeless. If it wasn't the smell, it would've been the ragged clothes or the messy gray-brown beard, possibly the hunger and rage erupting from his green eyes, quite like mine in retrospect.

Figuring I would get to see her lovely face sooner or later, and following the wise words of my friend Richie, I "shanked him and ran", straight home. The thoughts racing through my head are not what you'd expect from a 15 year old who just got attacked by an insane homeless man in a quiet town. But then again, my life is far from normal, considering most people think I'm hooked on everything BUT phonics when they first meet me. But such is life, and I enjoy mine with all its imperfections. I fell on the couch, exhausted from the long day I just had, and read a note.

"Claudio, I just bought some Grape Crush for you in the fridge, leave a can or two for Sally. Love, Mom."

Ah, yes. Grape Crush, sweet sweet nectar is my crack. The only thing I loved to see more than Anna's smiling face was a 12 pack of Grape Crush in the fridge. I really only wanted to go to sleep after the long day I had, in between the assault, band practice, and trying to get my grades up ASAP by overstudying and doing all my work ahead of time, but Grape Crush would be the only reason I would stay up longer than necessary.. I should really just start doing my work regularly so I don't go through the same cycle every year, but I'm living life and I'm loving it..

I looked over at Alexi, my guitar, named after Alexi Laiho, my favorite guitarist. Pearl white and absolutely beautiful, this seven string is the guitar I've been waiting for in all my three short but productive years of playing, in all its Flying V body-style glory.

I picked up Alexi and began to play a song I'd written for my band, Fever.I figured we weren't going to find anywhere to play anytime soon, especially with a name that sounded like a cologne, but since Hanover is one of the smallest towns in Pennsylvania, I figured we'll have fun with it while we can. Practice was tomorrow and the talent show is in a month, I just hope people like what I write, my heart goes into it..

Devoid of inspiration at the moment and tired, I finished off my soda and went to sleep. Tomorrow would be another day for music, another day to see Anna, and another day to get attacked by homeless psychos.

10 comments sorted by best / new / date

    chase09
    At the moment it is quite uninspired and poorly written. You started off using overused cliches to describe a guy's feelings about a girl, quickly transitioned to a fight with a homeless man, how he ran home after he shanked him, and finished talking about preparing for a talent show. All without going into any real detail or providing reasons for why anything happened. What does the fight with the homeless man have to do with anything? I think you also went a little overboard with adjectives sometimes, reminiscent of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series. Try to be original with your story and don't make it just another dull tale of a "guy who plays guitar in a band". You can incorporate music and guitar into your story without making it seem superficial or forced. Please try to make revisions with this piece and good luck!
    GrayFoxz
    i dont think so. Maybe this is just an introductionary piece, another badly written part 0 ? let's hate when part 1 comes out .
    crazysam23_Atax
    It just felt DRY...that's the only way I can describe it. You have to get your emotions, that picture you see in your head when you think of this story, on the page. It's gotta breathe; it's gotta speak to the reader.
    darkcheef
    What the hell, he was able to practice without feeling remorseful for stabbing someone? And describe the characters better.
    SixStringHero
    chase09 wrote: At the moment it is quite uninspired and poorly written. You started off using overused cliches to describe a guy's feelings about a girl, quickly transitioned to a fight with a homeless man, how he ran home after he shanked him, and finished talking about preparing for a talent show. All without going into any real detail or providing reasons for why anything happened. What does the fight with the homeless man have to do with anything? I think you also went a little overboard with adjectives sometimes, reminiscent of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series. Try to be original with your story and don't make it just another dull tale of a "guy who plays guitar in a band". You can incorporate music and guitar into your story without making it seem superficial or forced. Please try to make revisions with this piece and good luck!
    This is a prologue to the actual story, introducing you to his life, and these are the three segments of the plot, the three conflicts he's going to have.