When you’re born with an orange-shaped head, slits for eyes, and the physique of a Pillsbury Dough Boy who might have scurvy, life can be hollow, bitter, and cold. I, Hugh Gee, the trustworthy mascot of Ultimate-Guitar.com, didn’t exactly personify metal. Oh, did I mention I’ve gone through my life without hands? Yeah, take a moment to imagine everything you grasp, hold, or PLAY with your fingers, and you may want to start sending those sympathy cards to me right now. Sonofafrackingmothersgoat…I digress.
Xmas had always left a bitter taste in my mouth and why shouldn’t it? I had to watch buddies like Kirk Hammett and Joe Satriani parade around with sweet guitars, laying down sweeter riffs, and pretty much loving life. Ladies (and hell, plenty of their male disciples) were always at their beck and call, and I just watched with envy in the wings. It’s not that I’m not happy for those lovable sons of bitches, but throw a brother a bone. Or at least a few fingers.
Something pretty amazing happened this December, however. I learned that you, my loyal UG peers, wanted to give me the most insanely awesome Xmas imaginable. I was only going to ask for a few more bottles of Wild Turkey to drown my sorrows, but you have blown my mind with your generosity. You presented me with a bevy of gifts that have taken my mind off of the fact that I don’t belong to any particular species or even slightly resemble a human being. I’m forever in your debt for such kick-ass presents, and I promise to repay you with guitar tabs galore in the future. Of course, I’m holding on to my receipts just in case.
The Gifts You Selected For Little Ol’ Me:
Yuji, My New Lady Love
From Slippers To Spiked Boots
One Horny Fellow
I wasn’t sure if I was ready to let go of the days when random women approached and requested humbly to rub my smooth-as-a-baby’s-bottom noggin, but that’s when I unwrapped an item fit to be sold by the late-great Billy Mays: Horn-E-Grow. After following the instructions, I went for a trial run with the pronged wonders. Interestingly enough, a side effect is an overwhelming urge to sing “War Pigs.” I can totally live with that.
Tattoo of Ozzy
Back In Black
A Decent Spot on the Website? Hell, Yeah.
An Expedition To Hell Via Drill
The Most Brutal Gift Of All: Nothing!
UG Anthology of Awesomeness
The Most Badass Guitar Ever To Grace The Earth