In The Van On Comeback Road Part 12

Once we get situated at a table, we each pull out pieces of paper... Now, we will try to settle the name controversy.

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Mark, Jason and I have our Wednesday night practice and work hard on the three songs we had finished the week before. Jason and I lead Mark, our fledgling drummer through a few more. Luckily he's an old school metal fan, so he handles 'Sweet Leaf' with no difficulty, and is able to pick up 'Rough Go,' one of my newer songs in a few tries.

After we clear out of the rehearsal studio we head into a Tim Horton's for doughnuts and coffee, and a plan to settle the name controversy. Once we get situated at a table, we each pull out pieces of paper, which we hold close to our chests.

"Okay, we've each got a list of ten suggestions," I say to start the discussion off. "We each have three outright vetoes. I'll go first. The Terry Wilson Band."

Jason raises his hand. "Veto."

I expected him to veto it, which is why I started off with it. I'm happy to let Jason waste one of his vetoes on it. I'm a manipulative son of a bitch that way. All the same, I act offended by his hasty dismissal of using my name. "Just like that?" I say, looking hurt.

"Yeah man, just like that," he says, looking at his coffee and not at me. "This is a band. You're not a solo guy."

I shrug. "Okay, whatever. We'll just go around the circle. Jason, what's your first suggestion?"

"Corporation of Dissent."

Mark, blowing on his cup of tea, makes a face. "I don't care much for that one."

"Same here," I say. "Anytime you say 'Corporation' it reminds me of a bad storyline they used to have in pro wrestling."

Jason gives me a condescending grin. "Dude, you watch wrestling?"

"I have been known to watch wrestling. So what? I appreciate the athleticism. Mark, what's at the top of your list?"

The Scotsman looks at his crumpled list and scratches his head. "I've not got many good ones. Um, I thought Passover has kinda like, a cool ring to it."

Jason and I glance at each other. "I don't think we should use anything with any religious overtones," I say. "I don't think it really speaks to the material we perform."

"Yeah," Jason says, "and I think it sounds a bit seventies, anyway."

"Okay, next," I say, looking at my list. "I'd like it if we could find something with a really classic, hard-ass rock and roll sound to it. Something that shows we're a band out on the road, dying for what we do. So, in the spirit of that, I suggest: The Roadkill Heroes."

Mark nods. "That's not too bad."

"Yeah, I can see what you're going for," says Jason, "like we're on the road so much it's killing us, and that kind of thing. The only complaint I have is that when someone says 'roadkill' I have a tendency to think of a mashed up skunk on the highway. I don't know if that's the image we want to project."

We sit in silence for a moment, before I suggest "Maybe we could keep it as a maybe."

Jason shrugs. "Yeah, let's come back to it. Okay, I've got The Nettles. Or The Stinging Nettles."

Mark screws up his face. "Nettles? What, like the weed?"

"Okay," I say. "That's getting better, but I don't think it quite there."

Jason puts his list face down on the table. "It's better than 'Roadkill.'"

"Maybe," I say, "but I'm still not going to call my band The Nettles. Think bad-ass, you know? Like The Sex Pistols, The Misfits. The Nettles? No way, man."

"So are you vetoing it?"

"I don't think I should have to veto something that dumb."

"Hey, I thought we had a rule where we wouldn't call the other names dumb."

Mark nods. "That's right, Terry. You can say you don't like it, but you can't say it's stupid."

"Okay. I'm sorry. Mark, give us your next one."

He checks his list and smiles up at us. "Rock Of Abraham."

I sigh and wish it were still legal to smoke in Toronto coffee shops. "Okay, that also has a religious tinge to it, which I'd really like to avoid."

Jason leans across the table with a concerned look on his face. "Mark, are you religious or something?"

Mark looks embarrassed. "No, I'm no' religious, I just think there's a certain?um?rock and roll sound to some names that have a religious reference, ken? Like Black Sabbath."

"Okay," I say, not wanted to make Mark feel foolish. That's the problem with choosing band names: most of the process is rejecting the other members' suggestions. "All the same, I'd still like to stay away from religious themes. Anyway, I'm not aware of any rocks in the story of Abraham anyway. Shall we move on? My next one is Lightspeed."

Jason looks at me. His expression seems to grow snider with every suggestion I make. "Lightspeed what?"

I smile. "Lightspeed nothing. Just?Lightspeed."

"Cheesy."

Mark nods. "I think so too."

"Okay, it was just an idea. Jason?"

Jason grins like he's found the cure for cancer. "Pleasureville."

Mark laughs. "There's a massage parlor in Glasgow called Pleasureville."

I laugh too. "Didn't we have a rule about no band names based on massage parlors?"

Jason looks pissed "Nobody here knows it's a massage parlor. Besides, I think it's got kind of a rock and roll feel to it."

I nod. "Yeah, the feel of a rock and roll tug joint. Besides, it reminds me of Pleasantville, and I hated that movie. Next."

Mark goes next. "My next one is Death To Everything."

"What?"

"Seriously. Death to Everything. It sounds bad-ass, doesn't it?"

Jason looked unimpressed. "It sounds like a hardcore band, or death metal or something like that."

I concur. "Yeah. If we called ourselves that it would have to be intentionally ironic, you know?"

"Yeah, like those pussies in Massive Attack," Jason says. "Their name makes them sound like Napalm Death, but they actually sound more like a relaxation tape."

Mark nods. "Okay, so we scratch Death to Everything."

I check my list. "Next, I've got The Visions."

Jason shakes his head. "Sounds like a used television shop."

For the next twenty minutes we fly through our lists, arguing about the names, criticizing the suggestions and eventually criticizing each other more and more.

"Broken Vessels."

"The Subterraneans."

"Marshalling Forces."

"Canadian Hate Machine." (Kind of like Leonard Cohen meets Nine Inch Nails)

"Surrealism at Work."

"Tom Waits For No One."

We all start getting a bit chippy, mocking the living shit out of each other's dumb-ass ideas, until at last we get to the final round and at last Mark drops a half decent suggestion on the table.

"I used to work in an appliance repair shop," he starts. "You know, fridges and stoves and the like. Most washing machines have a little transmission inside, and there's something in there, little teeth like, called clutch dogs. I always thought that would make a cool name for a band. The Clutch Dogs."

There is a moment of silence. Jason and I look at each other. I give him a nod.

"I think it's okay," he says.

"I think it's rock and roll," I say. "It sounds dirty, like machine parts, and desperate, like the clutch player in the big game. And dogs? Yeah. Clutch Dogs are rock and roll."

Mark smiles and nods. "I always thought so."

We clear out with our plans set: we rehearse until we have a solid set, and we start gigging, playing every single show we can get until people start to know our name. Soon, people will know who The Clutch Dogs are.

A Note To The Readers: In The Van On Comeback Road will continue to appear on Ultimate-Guitar.com as frequently as I am able to get chapters written. However, I'm in the process of changing jobs and changing cities right now and there may be some delays. Please be patient, because Terry's adventures are sure to continue.

Gratefully and Sincerely,

2006 Nolan Whyte

69 comments sorted by best / new / date

    maggot4life
    dammit... i thuoght these stories were real...DAMN!!! still f**kn awesum...MORE!!!
    ISuk@Guitar
    Jason leans across the table with a concerned look on his face. "Mark, are you religious or something?"
    ha that was awesome
    <><
    Hope all goes well in the transitions; love your work!
    sral76
    ^ Nolan Whyte is the writter... Terry wilson is the character in the story Nolan Whyte is writting....
    Nybb
    Good stuff once again...I quite like the Clutch Dogs, probably more than any of the other ones you said. Canadian Hate Machine is pretty dope though. Good luck with your personal stuff Mr Whyte! Don't leave us hanging though, we all appreciate your stories. And +3 stars for having the debate in Timmy's. :p
    5150man
    I always liked streetwise for a band name.. But last week i had a really psichodelic dream and roger waters was there and he spoke to me only using song titles...well and connectors and that stuff Anyway when i woke up the only thing i remembered was "Any colour you like"...and we play progressive rock so it was pretty suitable...my bandmates liked it..
    Cal UK
    Very good as always. Good luck with the new job by the way. Hope to see a new episide sonn-ish.
    joshsirjoshules
    Clutch Dogs...I expected that you guys would have a lightbulb go off and have "Use Television Shop" as a name. Good story.
    There There
    soap opera for internet guitar nerds! that said theseare very entertaining, and i am an internet guitar nerd.
    dimebag7
    DunlopGuy wrote: he should make an appearance in the forums
    yeah ive always wondered why he hasnt, everyone loves his work.
    auranos
    Can't wait for the next ones...you're doing really well with these stories. 10/10
    monkey_dancer
    This was hilarious, after our band changed our name recently....It was exactly like this. After a while I gave up suggesting stuff and just went for the least bad... Hidden Intentions.....Hey it's not great, but I couldn't think of anything better so what right did I have to veto it?
    selloutpunx
    i live in the area so i knew it was fake :p i figured it would be pretty obvious to everyone else.
    weer
    Hmm okay, there are morals, there is suspense... Somehow i dnt think this is actually happening anymore, and ur just a good writer or jus really creative, able to make dull things seem interesting
    olif8
    When is that hole Jason gonna get the sack? He's a complete lamer.
    justinhawkins
    i've always sort of liked the name "the walls". it's ironic because musicians are always trying to give the impression that they're breaking down walls, when in fact they usually aren't treading any new territory.
    nunu
    It was alright. It was not much of a story like the other parts though, so not as exciting. After all it was just thm trying to come up with a name.
    oZone_TNS
    Did anyone notice that in the first part Terry was called Jerry? Anyway this part kinda dragged on. It wasnt a good as the others but I liked it.
    !@#$
    I like Chunk O' Wax for a band name. Could be known as CoW
    rearFender
    Canadian Hate Machine. Hell yes. Good article, like literature for everyone who's ever been in a band.
    Keep3r
    I really liked it though it did not happen very much this time its as good as ever Keep em comin first btw mfg
    Adarsh
    clutch dogs??? Even Pleasureville was better.. Naah...keep them coming, they're really good
    ZeppelinFan3890
    I've been in a band for awhile, and we still don't have a name, so I've been long waiting for an episode like this. Good luck with your personal transitions, and I hope to read more about Terry soon!
    VectorminatoR
    man... getting to read these articles at last is like getting a long awaited orgasm in the girl of your dreams... keep up the great work!
    livefortoday
    you're creative. how do you come up with all those good band names? "tom waits for no one" is fun great article it's as good as ever i keep checking the site everyday if there's a new Van on Comeback Road
    Kalakala
    Absolutely correct. The time eventually arrives to "name the band", and it ALWAYS goes through about an hour of going around the circle, cutting down everyone's suggestions. This item sure brings back memories....I've come to the point that I bow out of the circle. In the end, it really doesn't matter. If you're good, and get drinks sold at the bar that's where the rubber meets the road. Good article.
    hardcoreatheist
    I love these..btw does anyone think Ethereal Paradox is a good name for a band? I don't, but that's what we're called.
    applax
    I liked the broken vessels one the best. I think it sounds really cool.