I've Been Meaning To Cry

Jake and Mike are these two guys who meet in my head from time to time. They sit on a bench on top of a hill and stare at the nighttime's sky. They talk about few, they talk about many but if I must be true, they aren't that merry. Read if you want, read if you dare, It will not haunt, but please take care.

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Jake: I've been meaning to cry for a while

Mike: huh?

Yeah you heard me right, for quite a while now

But what do you mean with meaning?

Well you know, meaning, as in wanting to do something

But crying isn't something you write on a to-do list you know. It just happens.

Well you may have a point there, but sometimes crying is the way out

What do you mean the way out? The way out of what?

Your hell maybe?

Which hell?

My hell.

Your hell? Which hell? Excuse me for reiterating my question, but hear me out here, you have everything.

I know. But well, this hell bullshit is kinda subjective you know. Like lucky.

What do you mean lucky?

Well you know... Lucky.

Oh no. You're not referring to...

And they say -

Oh come on man, grab a hold of yourself.

She's so lucky, she's-

Dude please stop, my ears are gonna start bleeding

A star, but she cries, cries, cries

F--k man. Shit like this makes me wanna stop hanging out with you

Ok. I'll stop. I'm sorry. It was only the first example to come to mind, when thinking about this whole hell-subjectivity deal.

I know where you're coming from.

What? You do?

'Course I do. Every now and then you wish, you'd belong to another generation. Like beginning of the twentieth century kinda of stuff. Like being born at the end of the 1800s in Russia and growing up reading Tolstoi. Back in the day it was like: Dude! Did you check out Anna Karenina's 7th chapter?! Yeah Man, it was off da hook! Short parenthesis: They didn't really speak that way at the dawn of the bolchevique revolution, but I'm trying to make a point ok.

Ok, cool, go on.

Well now it's like: Bitchhh, you see last night's episode of The Hills? OMG Heidi's dress was so fabulous!! So, even though you're tying to be a sensible human being, reading about true culture and dying to find the true significance of beauty, you end up thinking about what the mass media has fed you.

My thoughts exactly my friend. I have a list of masterpieces I have to read, see and overall appraise. But youtube's always getting in the way. I read the following a couple of days ago: Salvador Dal was a real ladies man. He used to seduce women, usually from the US, and bring them into his apartment. Once there, he would take their clothes off and proceed to fry some eggs, put them on their shoulders and show them the door. Dunno about you, but I find that to be a wicked-ass story. So I'm doing some further reading on the subject-

Placing fried eggs on nude women's shoulders?

Haha. Nope. On Salvador Dal. And you discover that he was friend of Luis Buuel. Luis Buuel is regarded as one of the best directors in history, so I'm like f--k. Why haven't I heard about him? So then comes the usual process of the note to self. I have tons of notes on my notebook, of things I have to read, of things I have to watch, of things I have to listen to. So if you take a look at my desktop, there are notes on Makasi Kobayashi's Human Condition, on Georg Cantor's Transfinite Numbers, on The Ocean's Precambric; just to mention some titles. But in the end, I know that I'm always going to end up on Facebook or Youtube. It's insanity what the world has done to us! I've been procrastinating with Rayuela from Julio Cortzar for too many months! And just when I'm gonna get to it, BAM! Ray William Johnson has a new episode out. There goes my day.

It sucks balls man. I feel that a part of my soul dies everytime I'm able to distinguish between the Backstreet boys and N'sync and not between Brahms and Schumman. I really don't know where civilization is heading to.

I know where it's heading.

You do?

Well, at least a friend of mine, has a pretty good theory. It's pretty funny actually.

What'd he say?

Ok, you know how religions are slowly losing believers? Well at least, it's Catholicism's case. But it's bound to happen to all other religions. There's going to come a point in history, where our idea of god will suffer such deformity, that people are gonna start believing in Facebook, Youtube and Wikipedia.

I wouldn't be surprised, come to think of it. I've seen so much crazy shit on the internet that anything can happen with our sad excuse of a specie. If two girls can eat a cup of shit, we might as well start praying to Mark Zuckeberg for world peace.

Mhm. And there's when I feel like crying. And that's why I've been meaning to cry.

So why haven't you cried then?

'Cuz crying belongs to Reality TV. We've grown up in a society where on a news-webpage we can see and read about human tragedy and despair and just by scrolling down the same goddamn page they're talking about how much money some stupid bitch in hollywood spent on her dog's haircut. My mom always taught me that it's ok to cry. One doesn't have control over everything and that crying helps you get your frustration out. But crying has become something you're supposed to do, cuz it's socially in or some sort of bullshit like that. This so-called Drama. Confessions of a teenage drama queen my ass. It's an insult -

More like a punch in the nuts.

Thank you. For the greatest greek dramaturges to use Drama in a f--king Lindsay Lohan film. To tell you the truth I'm afraid of crying. I've been meaning to cry, maybe it'll get me out of the hell I'm in. I've been meaning, but I'm so f--king afraid of letting one of those motherf--kers leave my eyes.

Man, it's ok. Cry if you need to. You have a shoulder here.

Didn't you listen to anything I just said, you dimwit?

To everything. To every f--king last word. You know as good as I do, that what you feel, I feel double. And what I feel double, you feel triple. I'd cry right now, really, if I could. Sincerely said, It's what i'd like to do the most. But...

But what?

But, we're sadly...

We're sadly what?

We're sadly, caught in the middle.

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