Nothing Else Matters

The Metallica announcement the world has been waiting for...

Ultimate Guitar

Breaking news today, as James Hetfield of Metallica revealed to a reporter for an underground music magazine that the band would be recording their first thrash metal album since "...And Justice For All" back in 1988. 

The following is an excerpt from the interview:

Reporter: So, James, how exactly did the idea to record a new thrash metal album come about?

James Hetfield: Well, we had been working on a sequel to "Lulu" for a little while. It was going to have all these completely amazing guest musicians, like Skrillex, Justin Bieber and a few others. Obviously, Lou Reed was in charge of providing vocals, as well as lyrics. Me and the rest of the guys in Metallica, we were just going to be playing the majority of the instruments.

Reporter: What happened to that? Sounds like it would have been the best thing since The Beatles!

JH: Lou Reed died. I shouldn't need to say anything more. Although, for a short period of time, we actually considered putting Bieber in charge of the key stuff, but that didn't sound as good as we had hoped. After that, I toyed with being the master of lyrics and such and we even got C.C. DeVille from Poison to record some guitar solos... Which upon hearing them recorded, Lars threw the tapes in the dumpster. Didn't say anything, just got right up, threw 'em away. 

Reporter: Oh, I see... Anything you want to say about the upcoming thrash metal record?

JH: it will be released in two formats, CD and Picture Disc Vinyl. The front cover is a nude photo of Scarlett Johansson. Instrumental versions of some of the tracks are going to be part of the soundtrack to "Half-Life 3."

Reporter: Okay, good to know. Thank you James Hetfield, for your time.

44 comments sorted by best / new / date

    This joke could've had a much better delivery, but its funny enough reading the comments of people who actually think its real.
    This is the third or fourth time i have seen something like this posted this year, where some band records some album that is the same style as there first album. No offense but, it's getting old.
    they're going to release a esque-black album record, with more distortion and a few more double bass drums moments and there is their "thrash" record...
    Was this supposed to be funny, or sarcastic? For who? 10-year olds? The humanity... Whoever wrote this article: don't quit your day job; and if you are, by some astonishingly low chance, a professional writer, please put some identification on the rest of your work so people don't have to suffer through it. Are misleading titles in articles not doing the job, so now UG has to resort to trying to be the guitar-themed version of the Onion? Because if this is how it is going to be I would like to ask for more misleading titles in articles please.
    I'm serious with what you are saying. I have professional comedy writing credits, two of which are for Adult Swim. This guy needs to shoot himself in the face with leukemia.
    sadly, i actually kinda believed this for a second. since when are people allowed to post troll articles
    You should have made it look a bit more credible and people could have actually believed it. It's not a "troll article". It's in the "fiction" section so people should know it's fiction.
    Justin Bieber in charge? You have no respect for metal. Also, Half Life 3? Legit as f*ck, so believable.
    Even though it is fake, how awesome would it be if Metallica wrote the soundtrack to Half-Life 3.
    The only thing that's real in this article is the picture of James Hetfield playing a riff with his middle finger.
    Okay why even make fictional articles!? This is stupid and makes this site look uncreditable
    Wow I was excited for a moment then I saw LuLu, Justin B and skrillex in the same article with Metallica