The Axe Of The Revenant

The prototype of man has his first challenge given to him by an angel of the lord.

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Are we alone in the universe?

Probably not. Scientists all over the world are already on that seeking affirmation for each thesis. The question is, is our reality the only reality? The answer would be yes and no.

It isnt that overly complex, its just that God and The Devil are two distinct "entities" with an extremely... original sense of humor. Thing is, they really like to break the boundaries of what is and what isn`t, sometimes they bend time and space so much that they actually manage to disprove each other, thus they countinue to doubt each others sanity and existence.

But enough about these minor inconveniences, it is time to finally look at the really important events.This might not be in chronological order mind you since my memory seems to be getting a bit foggy from time to time.

Oh, and this is God.

Just kidding.

Or am I?

This all happened during the olden days, when the human planet Earth:(I use this term loosely because the humans do not actually own it, and what kind of a stupid name is Earth anyway?...sigh, Earth, what is that I dont even...,um... well, anyway) When Earth was still just a speck in the cosmic ocean of one of the more backwater galaxies in the third cosmos.

Ever wondered what is outside of the rim of space?`Tis just another dimension, you see at that moment there were three, the first one existing since forever.That would be The Paradiso, God`s land, the prominent island in the clouds.The second , made a short while later, is the one often misinterpretated and butchered in horror films, The Inferno.It is not that bad in there once you get used to it.Finally, the third one, made really recently once compared to the other two old timers, the reality of man and alien, The Purgatorio.

That`s right, the middle ground for those that don`t go to Heaven or Hell is in fact, our own.Everybody who dies and has been to neutral to go anywhere just ends up back in our reality, sometimes even back in his own body, but that is reanimation and is irrelevant to this story.

On a more philosophically significant note some still debate on which came first, R'lyeh or Purgatorio? Again, irrelevant but a bit fascinating, don`t you think?

Boy, I really tend to blab it off don`t I?

Well, without further ado here is the story of quite possibly the most interesting, ravishing and probably fictional events that transpired, depending on who you ask, a very long time ago or quite recently.

Ahem, it all started when the Earth was, (for lack of better words than the cliche non- existent) simply not there, it wasn`t even on anyone`s mind at the moment, Purgatorio was just a load of empty space, reality to few, cabin space for some.

Then, all of a sudden a planet began to bloom out of thin vacuum (I guess air wasn`t really an option back then).It began as a completely symmetrical orb of water, untouched by any blemishes of modern society, and after a while little specks of land and something resembling trees started to appear on some corners of it. I will tell you right away that this isn`t Earth, this happened a long time before, when Purgatorio was young and tiny compared to today`s standards for reality size.

This planet would later be smashed by the first star`s unbalanced gravitational pull which literally made the planet rush headfirst into the star, destroying the planet and dismantling the star into tiny pieces, some of which we see today as the sky.

But before this probably more moving event happened, quite a while before, there came on this planet a death, a single death which would bend the very fabric of art and music today.

For the person that died in this death is the same person who brought from hell, the flaming awesomeness that we call the genre of Rock to Earth, the only planet in Purgatorio with it at this very moment. This man was known simply as Prometheus, the Fire Bringer, and bring it he did.

Prometheus was born on a planet of humanoid beings, the only difference being that none of them had any pigmentation since the Sun of this system, also known as Leta Nova, was at that time although huge, not nearly as powerful as all the tiny stars that came from it, causing their hair to be completely white, their skin whiter than paper, and their eyes blood red, adding to the convenient coolness factor of this race.

He was an anomaly, born without the usual hunchback of his race, with skin a shade less pasty than usual, and red hair.Like all of his race, his eyes were quite adaptable to nearly complete darkness and he was born with five fingers on hands and legs, unlike the usual two large ones on the feet and clawlike, three fingered hands of his kin.

He was the pinnacle of evolution, the proto-human, God`s latest project but, due to all the quick alterations God had put into him, he was cast away as a freak of nature and eventually hunted down and killed at the age of twenty- seven.Ironically since he was burned without a proper burial a couple of his cells managed to escape, turning into gas form, and aeons later, through a slower evolutionary progress than this one, created the archetypical human on Earth. The only surviving cell to reach Earth would later come to be known as the God particle.

That was another digression.I apologise.Back to Prometheus then.

He got killed, he was no more, he had hit the bottom of the well and he was no longer a person, or so they thought. At the moment his heart stopped beating he appeared in front of a large golden gate which had seen better days, at least that was his assumption from all the rust and oxydation of the gate, he had no way of knowing whether it was true or not.The entire view was quite peculiar, he was standing seemingly in mid air, whiteness all around him, enough whiteness to make a person lose his mind and commit bloody murder.

He stood there waiting for about five minutes in Earth time, since there actually isn`t any time, it is fiction made real with the willpower of man, a structureless construct to which we all hold so frantically, always rushing and getting killed in the proccess.

All of a sudden the gate started opening, almost painfully slowly opening, the rust of the gears in the gate making it sound like the whole construct is about to dismantle and topple over Prometheus`s head at any moment now.

Through the cyclopean doorway entered a being, face twisted into a perpetual erratic sneer rivaling even the Joker`s mischievous face.On it`s back it wore what seemed to be a giant veiny leathery cape which was odd since it wore no other clothes or had any discernable male or female features.

And then the cape started moving and it was clear that it was actually a pair of massive bat-like wings. The creature`s pupils were the white colour of the crazyness inducing background and had no eye shutters.Its hands were large and muscly, it`s legs equally so and it was completely bald.

And then it spoke, and Prometheus felt as if the weight of the multiverse, forever struggling for space and power had fallen onto his back. Yet he kept standing and refused to be beaten down by this sudden urge to just curl up and sleep for eternity.

Here we have our first actual dialogue, so to speak, but seeing as the beings of God and The Devil don't speak, they just know, this and all the rest of the conversations will be translated into the English language.Enjoy.

Greetings Revenant, we have been expecting you, the time has come for your quest the creature said without closing or opening it`s mouth, like it was just projecting it`s voice into Prometheus`s mind through some telepathic connection with the deep voice that hurts to hear.If ther e was any solid ground in the area it would surely be shattered to bits, if only by the power of this creature`s mind.

Where am I, What are you? asked Prometheus, his voice on the other hand so weak and weary that he was half expecting the monster in front of him to not understand him or hear him when he said it.However the superior beings of Paradiso had no ears and thus dind`t require hearing his words, they simply know.

You are in Paradiso and I am an Angel, an emmisary from God, the time has come for your quest.

Giving the monster a second, more analyzing glance Prometheus started getting a doubtfull expression on his face.

I can see that you do not believe me, but your thoughts are of little value here, the time has come for your quest.

What would you have me do creature, for I am merely a lowly mutant freak who was killed by his own people just for being different, I have naught to offer you

The angel, not making a different face for even an instant, like it had no other feeling to show but an erratic glee, continued:What you believe is irrelevant, like I said before, you will finish the quest, whether by choice, or force

Since he thought that he had nothing to lose, seeing how he was already dead and couldn`t care less, Prometheus gave him a simple answer: No The creature, finally beginning to show some signs of irittation, or diarhea, it was hard to know exactly from it`s face, started shouting into his brain with a force of a million thunderstorms:God will not have this, you were created by him, your design was flawed and thus you failed, like He said you would, you were chosen to fail, and your life force will later influence countless of other lives, you were chosen, and you will comply otherwise I will be forced to torture you into submission, and then, once you become nothing more than a shell of your former self, the lobotomy finally performed on your sanity, you will finish the quest without question and will the be disposed of to work in the Serra Tedpicks Mountain mines for eternity!

Prometheus, actually a bit terrified of the possibility put onto the table started waging his options, but he knew instantly what his choice would be:If that is the case I will humbly accept this quest so what would you have me do, what terrain must I traverse in order to please your God and be free of my bonds?

The creature then let out a blood curdling roar which for just a moment seemed to be trying to mimic ordinary laughter. Free, no one said anything of freedom, if you prove useful we will just be able to find you a steady workplace instead of annihilating you.

Prometheus started smiling, thinking it was a joke, but the creature`s suddenly even wider grin showing a set of sixty white, pointy teeth assured him that it wasn`t one. Alright, since I have no other choice then brief me on what I am to do.

I do not brief anyone, you will be given the entirety of your quest and you will follow it to each and every koma,fullstop and apostrophe.

No colon then?, asked Prometheus in a futile attempt at joking, the angel paid him no heed.

Since the way angels explain plans and history is God awful, I will try to summarise it, otherwise we might as well listening to his preaching till winter comes.

So, the angel started his long explanation. Prometheus must go into Inferno.Inferno is the place commonly reffered to as hell where the souls of the evil and the unworthy go to do whatever The Devil tells them to.

The Devil (let us just refer to him as Bjork from now on, shall we?) is seemingly an interesting, well meaning, and hilarious man with plenty of other nice quality, at least that is what all the souls working for him would say, in truth, Bjork is a megalomaniac with a twisted sense of humour and crow-like features.

He has modeled Inferno in quite an interesting fashion with three major cities, a couple of villages, and a seemingly grinning mountain, all in the area of sixty square kilometeres, the rest is a desolated wasteland with apsolutely nothing but a red sand-like substance growing on the floor, these things, when they come in contact with anything at all they slowly start to eat away at whatever it is they come in contact with, the subject starts to feel intense pain and after fifteen minutes falls down, curls up, and waits in silent agony for the Worms of the Witcher to finish their work.Once they have finished feeding and have eaten away all the inside features, including the bones, the subject wakes up about twelve feet from the beginning of the desert.

Bjork has, true to his demented humour, implemented his own time scale since he can control the passing of day and night even though there is no sun, mon or stars to make light, light just emerges when he wants it to.He put in a 69 hour time scale, even though as of yet nobody understands why he put sucha a peculiar amount of time or why he laughs every time someone mentions it (foreshadowing).

His self proclaimed masterpiece of creation is his mountain.The mountain is called the Serra Tedpicks Mountain and it is where the soul inhabitants of Inferno go to mine the currency of hell, picks. Picks are really rare, toothlike objects not much bigger than a fingernail, always symmetrical they can be found in all kinds of thickness. Inhabitants that finish thei fifty-hour work out of the 69 hour day time and have nothing better to do make music on instruments with strings made from the intestines of some cow like creatures that come to prey on the weary.The ones they prey on never returns.Some of the craftsmen souls with free time use the time to carve the mahogany red trees that grow all over the place and regrow the day after being chopped off into shapes that remind them of women, since as we all know all women go to heaven and most men go to hell (yeah right).The carvings are then hollowed out and the intestines are fastened on to them in order to make a sound.I` ve heard tales that this instrument is called the guitar or something but I do not know for certain.

Prometheus must travel trough all three towns in order to retrieve the three stolen sacred items hidden in each city, and then he must traverse far to the top of the the Serra Tedpicks Mountain in order to find the famed weapon of legend, the only weapon that would be able to hold the rampaging Bjork in check, The Axe Of The Revenant.The Axe is in fact, a guitar and like all the other guitars in Inferno,it holds magical powers. But seeing from its name its powers are amplified through the heavy use of the Godly tremolo, the Rush of Slide and the deep dark magic of the Seventh String.

The other three sacred objects to be retrieved are: The Pick Of Destiny, The Strings Of Salvation and the Awesome Chin of Jay Leno!...just kidding, it`s a pickguard for the guitar. I know that it isn`t as flashy as The Pick Of Destiny or as awesome as The Strings Of Salvation but you never know when a good pickguard might be needed.

Having in much greater detail explained to Prometheus where he is to go, the angel turned around and, without any other word went back trought the creaky door which slammed forcefully behind him. Armed with knowledge and twenty medium picks so that he could buy himself all the supplies he needs our hero set off in search of danger, adventure, and vagi...umm thrills.Yes, that`s what I meant to say.

To be hopefully continued...

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