To Reach The Top. Part 5

Chad feels nothing but pain in the hospital.

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Chad gazed out of the window, looking at the dark, rainy night. The weather kind of reflected his mood. He was still crying, and just couldn't seem to stop himself. How could this happen to him? He began to wonder what he had left. His parents had never been too involved, so they were already out of the list. His band was what he'd considered family, so without them, he felt as though no cared. To top that off, he had lost the love of his life. He began to feel rage towards himself. Emma went through the most traumatic evening of his life because of him. He basically gave her a scar that would never heal. What kind of man was he to do such a thing? He couldn't shake the feeling that he deserved all of this sorrow.

Minutes turned to hours but no one came to comfort him, making him feel even more unloved. His parents had called the hospital to see if he was alright, but when the doctor asked Chad if he wanted to speak, he just lied in his bed, motionless and speechless.

A day passed, and the storm dragged into the next day. Chad had not moved, talked, or ate for 24 hours. Then, the door opened, and a wet, hooded figure moved in. He had a long box in his hand. Upon entering, he closed the door behind him.

The sight of another person actually coming to see Chad amazed him. For the first time in a day, he sat up.

"Who....who...are...you?" Chad muttered with difficulty.

"Don't recognize me?" the man said as he took off his hood.

Chad scanned the man. Tall, muscular, with short black hair and dark eyes. It was his brother, Roger.

"Sorry I couldn't get here earlier. You know I go to school in California, so getting a flight all the way to New York isn't easy." Roger took a look out the window. "And this storm didn't make it any easier. You look alright for someone that just got shot. Your doctors say you're healing up rather nicely. But are you alright? Not physically, I mean, Jake explained his little trip to see you."

"I don't want to live. No one cares about me. No one even came to visit besides you. Jake just came to describe the hell my life has turned into. I lost my band, my love, everything that matters. There's nothing left."

Roger sighed. "Listen kid," he began. "Things have took a turn for the worst, I realize that. But killing yourself won't make things better. You gotta keep your head up. So what if your band abandoned you? Screw them. You gotta prove to them and yourself that you don't need them. And about that chick, you love her, you work hard for her. So what if Jake said you can't have her."

"That helps," Chad said. "But I still feel pain."

"I know what you need." Roger reached out for the long box and opened it. He pulled out a Stratocaster. "I bought this for you," he said as he handed the guitar to him. He pulled an amp out of the box and plugged everything up.

"Now what?" Chad asked

"Play your heart," Roger instructed.

Roger listened closely to Chad's improvised riff. He felt the pain and suffering through the notes. He wanted to help Chad.

"Maybe California is where you belong" Roger mumbled.

~Zane Chaos

8 comments sorted by best / new / date

    JohnnySolo
    dude really, the story's good but please work on your writing man, everything is going so quick, you don't build up to big events like the gunshot or anything, suddenly he wants to die etc etc. What I'm trying to say is please go into the things a bit more. a little more depth. cos now we can't really get into what the character is feeling. maybe if you described everything a little more and stuff we could actually feel for chad. but the story is coming along nicely. I like how this scars his songwriting and is going to bring him to california for a new band with better music
    theido
    hey his on meds so it could feel like the love of his life, give the new guy a try, his writing and learning.. some years from now he'll look and think, what a piece of sh*t, but al least he'll learn quite a lot by then
    Zane Chaos
    Okay, @JohnnySolo, you got a point. I'm gonna try and go into it more, maybe a big flashback or something. And about the "love of his life" thing, it was kind of emphasis on meds=more depression. Thanks for the criticism
    One Of My Turns
    this story's pretty good, but i agree that the writing needs some refining. don't just go into more detail - choose your words and phrasing more carefully. excuse me for sounding like an english teacher, but try really hard to show rather than tell. the way you introduce characters seems a bit jarring. when chad met the cousin, it was a bit like "hi, here's my life story. want some breakfast?" maybe it would have been better to describe her appearance more, and just give an impression of what sort of person she is through back-and-forth dialogue instead of her just explaining every basic detail about who she is, and still not conveying any character to the reader. or when we get introduced to chad's brother, he tells chad that he goes to school in california. bit clumsy, if you ask me. maybe it would have been better if it went a little more like Rodger: "hey sorry i took so long to get here - the flight from california was a bitch" Chad: "hey, man, no worries. hows school?" or something like that. and things like chad's sudden depression could be better executed. again show, don't tell. so what i mean is dont spell out for us the end result. bring our attention to the contributing factors (the various emotional blows he's recently taken, and of course the hospital meds which apparently caused him to think he was in love, but were somehow barely given a mention) , and use these factors show how the depressive thoughts spiral through his head. try to communicate the chaos of his mind as his world falls apart through expresive and emotive language, and highlighting the details that are necessary to convey your real message. sorry guys, i know i rant a bit. zane chaos, i hope i've been helpful but feel free to disregard this entirely. its just my 2 cents, thats all =)
    Zane Chaos
    One Of My Turns wrote: this story's pretty good, but i agree that the writing needs some refining. don't just go into more detail - choose your words and phrasing more carefully. excuse me for sounding like an english teacher, but try really hard to show rather than tell. the way you introduce characters seems a bit jarring. when chad met the cousin, it was a bit like "hi, here's my life story. want some breakfast?" maybe it would have been better to describe her appearance more, and just give an impression of what sort of person she is through back-and-forth dialogue instead of her just explaining every basic detail about who she is, and still not conveying any character to the reader. or when we get introduced to chad's brother, he tells chad that he goes to school in california. bit clumsy, if you ask me. maybe it would have been better if it went a little more like Rodger: "hey sorry i took so long to get here - the flight from california was a bitch" Chad: "hey, man, no worries. hows school?" or something like that. and things like chad's sudden depression could be better executed. again show, don't tell. so what i mean is dont spell out for us the end result. bring our attention to the contributing factors (the various emotional blows he's recently taken, and of course the hospital meds which apparently caused him to think he was in love, but were somehow barely given a mention) , and use these factors show how the depressive thoughts spiral through his head. try to communicate the chaos of his mind as his world falls apart through expresive and emotive language, and highlighting the details that are necessary to convey your real message. sorry guys, i know i rant a bit. zane chaos, i hope i've been helpful but feel free to disregard this entirely. its just my 2 cents, thats all =)
    Thanks man, that really helped, I'll keep this all in mind during the next chapter.
    One Of My Turns
    Thanks man, that really helped, I'll keep this all in mind during the next chapter.
    glad to be of service =) i can tell you have a good mind for storytelling. the sudden turn of events when the robbers entered the resteraunt tells me that you have good ideas in your head, so i want this story to continue. good luck with your writing!