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blake1221 10-25-2011 12:52 PM

The Relationship Thread

Welcome to the Relationship Thread.
This thread is for all questions, advice, and general discussions pertaining to relationships.

Whatever you might be going through, chances are pretty good that someone in this thread has great advice on how to deal with it. Any stage of a relationship - introducing yourself, asking out, fights, breaking up, getting over them - someone here can help you with it. Familial issues can be brought up here, as well, this thread is not exclusive to romantic relationships.

Before going deeper, let's get this out of the way:

Question about sex specifically? Sex Thread :sexsmile:
Need a shoulder to cry on? Hugging Thread :hug:

Keep in mind, however, that the main purpose of this thread is focused on dealing with relationships, not necessarily venting. While it's acceptable if you really need to get it out, it wastes users' time when they're trying to help, and you're simply trying to whine.

It's also important to note, if you are not comfortable with asking for advice directly in the thread, please post in the thread asking if anyone would care to help via private messaging. When someone replies, ask away.

Users to listen to
I've seen countless great advice from these people. If they talk, you listen.

Våd Hamster • Freezer Burn • Colohue • Domino • thedefrockednun • rigiddigits

Da Rules
You should probably pay attention to this, it avoids a lot of hassle.

Obviously, all Pit rules apply here, so I'm not going into those. However, there are some additional guidelines you should read and follow before submitting your post.

1. Read the Frequently Asked Questions on the first page.

The reason they're called Frequently Asked Questions is because we get them A LOT. Save some time and effort by carefully going through the FAQ to check if your question hasn't already been answered on the first page.

2. Please try to keep your posts coherent.

I understand that the internet isn't the most formal forum, but regarding the fact that we're trying to offer a service in this thread, it'd behoove you to lighten the work on our end by proofreading your post a bit. A little punctuation goes a long way, and correct grammar is also appreciated, especially in the wordier posts.

3. No bashing other users' advice.

People disagree sometimes. It happens. What one person thinks would be best does not always sit well with another. When this happens, it should never dissolve into flaming and harassing. If you should disagree with a particular piece of advice, kindly bring it to attention in a respectable way, and be sure to back it up with why it'd be wrong and alternative advice, as well.

I'd like to think we keep a certain level of professionalism in this thread, and I'd appreciate if users would reciprocate that mentality.

This FAQ has been worked on by Freezer Burn, thedefrockednun, rigiddigits, Våd Hamster, and now by me.
A compendium of in-depth discourse can be read here.
FAQ shamelessly ripped from last RT, personal edits are everywhere, and intermeshed with verbatim copy pasta of previous threads. Many thanks to all involved in creating this FAQ.

Using Våd's previous format, this FAQ is more or less in chronological order, dealing with before, during and after the relationship.

What do I do if I like a girl?
Listen, and listen well: Do not tell the girl you like her. Relationships are like poetry. A good poet does not tell their audience, they show them. You must do the same. Show her how you feel with flirting and body language. Then see how she responds.

How do I get her to like me back?
You know how when you like a girl, you think about them all the time, and replay what little interaction you've shared over again in your head? Yeah, you've got to do that for them. You have to get in her head. You have to be the one she's thinking about when you're not around. To do so, keep her on her toes. Girls like a chase, and offering yourself up on a platter most times will eventually bore them. If she knows 100% that you like her, she's not wondering whether or not you like her. If she's not wondering, she doesn't CARE. You have to get her to care what you think of her. Then she'll put the effort in.
Ultimately, of course, there is no way to force anyone to like you. But if you do these things, you'll stand a much better chance. how do I flirt?
Have fun. That's all flirting really is. Tease her, get a little bit closer, make some physical contact, show her some attention in a way that lets on that you're interested. Best I can tell you is this: keep her smiling. She'll remember it.

And how can I tell if she likes me?
Staring, smiling, laughing, teasing, shyness, fidgeting with clothes and hair... Does her behavior change when you're there? Or if you start showing her a bit of interest?
In general, you give attention and time to the things you like. If she gives those things to you, that's a good sign.

I'd like to date, but I think I'm ugly.
You're not that ugly. Don't think that way. Confidence in yourself is one of the most important things in relationships, I cannot stress this enough. That "douchebag" that gets all the girls? They like him because he's confident. If you want to be more confident as well, one of the easiest ways is taking care of your physical appearance. Don't kid yourself, looks are important. Take care of yourself, it pays off. Your hair, your skin, your teeth, your personal hygiene, your level of physical fitness, your clothes...can all be changed easily. When you're happy, your confidence soars. And that's when people start getting interested in you.

I like a girl who's unavailable.
Then she's off limits. It's generally regarded as a dick move to hit on taken girls. Shit happens, but ehhh, not the best look for your record.

This girl I like has a boy friend, yet tells me she likes me more. I don't get it?
If she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you. Simple as. Don't pay attention to her lies, she's just desperate for attention.

I'm in love with my best friend
You have a decision. Risk hurting your friendship and making a move, or directing your attention on other things and people, and moving along. More in the FAQ Compendium of knowledge.

What's the friendzone?
The friendzone is a "place" where all the guys that are just friends to the girls go when they are too sensitive and overly-nice to a girl. Usually, these guys bare the name of emotional tampon. You don't want to be in the friend zone if you are looking for a relationship because once you're in it, the odds of you getting out are unlikely.

How do I avoid the friendzone?
This plays back to the confidence thing. Girls are attracted to confidence and guys who can just be themselves at all times. Don't be someone you're not, as that as its own pitfalls, but don't sell yourself short. Confidence is key. It also helps to not present yourself as "just a friend" early on. If you have intentions of dating a girl, get started on flirting and working that way sooner rather than later.

What does 'bros before hoes' mean?
Simply, if you know your friend is interested in a girl, and especially if he's intending on asking her out, don't go after her. It does not matter how she feels about him, don't go for her. If you really like the girl, at least talk to your friend about it, and ask him if he's cool with you going for her. It's far better to keep a friendship intact then the possibility of just one girl. Same rules apply for your friend's sister. Ask first.

I like my friend's ex
Basically the same rules as "bros before hoes." Talk to him about it before you know how she feels, or after (generally speaking, before is more polite and trustworthy), but make sure he knows. It's only fair. If it doesn't feel right to talk about it, it's probably too soon, so just keep it zipped for the time being.

How do I ask her out?
General consensus states that the direct approach is the best. It's specific and shows you're confident. It can be as simple as, "Do you want to come to [place] on [day] with me?" If you're unsure, post, and we'll give you tips. Dating doesn't necessarily mean a relationship, but this is your best shot at working that way, so make it count!
Breakdown of best ways to ask:
Asking face to face > by phone > by text(eh) > IM'ing(bad) > Facebook (oh shit what are you doing)

blake1221 10-25-2011 12:53 PM

Where shall I take her on a date?
Firstly: Take her somewhere relaxed and neutral. Places like a small coffee shop, park, bowling alley, carnival, are these things. Yours or her place, a fancy restaurant, or your friend's party, are not.
Secondly: You'll want to make it active. Establishing physical contact is fundamental in the beginning of a romantic relationship- and something as simple as helping her balance on ice skates, holding the ball correctly, and so on.
When you're both more comfortable with each other, you can go to each other's homes and such.

What kind of gift can I buy her?
Homemade gifts or gifts with a personal touch are great. If you have a certain talent, use it! The effort put in says a lot more to her than just going out and buying something. Flowers and chocolates go over well, candy can work really well if she's got a sweet tooth. Put some thought into it, and they'll appreciate it. If she has a favorite author/band/artist, get her their latest work. It shows you listen.
Jewelry is great, but should really be saved for around the one year mark.

I'm about to meet her parents, what do I do?
Parents simply want what is best for their daughter, and it's your job to show you can fit that bill. The mother needs to know her daughter is in safe hands, show her that you're sensible and responsible. Be on your best manners and always show respect. Engage her in real conversations, and it's great to let the family know that their daughter isn't the only thing you can think about. The father needs to know those things, but also that you'll treat his princess right. Be a gentleman, and polite and respectful at all times. Gauge how much talking room you have, and talk to him about anything. Being guys, you're bound to have more in common, so talk about sports, music, cars, whatever. Befriending the dad eases a lot of tension and any future issues. Don't be a suck up, but laugh at his jokes as well. Be polite, respectful, and well mannered, and you should do fine.

Her parents already don't like me, can I fix it?
If the parents seem to have taken a dislike to you, just try your best to be polite and respectful, and play by their rules. Don't put your girlfriend in the middle, but do discuss it with her. However if they're dead against their daughter dating, then there's not a lot you can do about it. When she's living in their house, she lives by their rules.
Again, no sucking up though. Stand up for yourself if you feel you're being wronged.

We had a fight.
Most of the time, fights come from poor communication. Always keep your cool, never yell or let the fight dissolve into petty name calling and accusations. That will only make things worse. Be honest, lay out all cards on the table. No lies, manipulation, secrets or ulterior motives. Treat her with respect (a reoccurring theme, if you've been paying attention). Blame gets you no where in an argument, the object is not to prove you are right, but to resolve the issue at hand. They key to a healthy communication line is that both individuals get heard, respected, and understood. If you can master this aspect of relationships, a lot of things will become easier for you.

I think she's cheating on me.
Evidence is important. If you don't have any, then try to ignore your suspicion until you have something concrete to go off of. NEVER go through someone's phone, e-mails, Facebook, whatever. That is a serious breach of trust, and will only fan the flames of whatever situation arises. The next step would be to confront her about it. Lack of trust in a relationship is almost as bad for it as a betrayal of trust anyway.

I'm jealous and possessive of her.
Stop it, that's all there is to it. Jealousy is a natural feeling, but how you handle that feeling can greatly affect your relationship. It stems from insecurity and self-doubt, and usually the answer to stop can be found within rather than externally. Sometimes, you simply have to look the other way. If your girlfriend knew about and got mad about every time you checked out another girl's boobs, or laughed at your female friend's joke, or went out to the bar with your friends, you'd feel suffocated, right? Don't do the same to her.

She's jealous and possessive of me.
If she doesn't stop, it will only get worse. Don't allow her to take control of your life. You must assert yourself from the start of the relationship, agree a set of ground rules and stick to them. Cut your losses if it gets too much. Equally, you should look at your behavior and decide if there is anything you're doing that is out of line. If you're not ready to stop doing it, break up. If you want the relationship to work, compromise. Talk to her. Let her know that the way she is acting is making you feel unhappy.
Again, communication is key.

I don't want to go out with her anymore. What do I do?
Break up with her, ASAP. We can help with how and where. A good way of looking at it if you're feeling guilty is that you're stopping her from being happy with someone else by staying with her. She'll hurt for a little while, but she'll be okay. Don't make any unwise promises - e.g. that you won't see anyone else, or that you'll stay friends.
Don't let her guilt you into giving it another chance, or give her one out of pity. Stand your ground.

She broke up with me. It hurts. How do I get over her? Should we be friends?
First: cut all contact. Getting over her will not come easy if the girl you love/obsess over is constantly around. Don't talk to her for a while. If you want to stay friends with her, tell her you need to time to sort yourself out. It is important to notice that life still goes on after the break-up. The Sun still rises, and you will be okay. Go outside, stay busy, keep preoccupied. This focuses your attention on other things, and you won't be constantly thinking about her. This is a piece of advice I gave in the previous thread, and I believe it lays out a pretty good plan of action after a break-up.

Like I said, this FAQ has been shamelessly ripped and tweaked, thanks again to all of the people who have contributed.

blake1221 10-25-2011 12:54 PM

Sometimes, there are quips of advice that are genuinely awesome in this thread. They're widely applicable, profound, or just too good to pass up. If you feel that something should be here in the HQ, let me know, and I'll get it there.

In response to a guy wanting to get back at an ex, after ending it responsibly and amicably:
Originally Posted by blake1221

Let it be my nigga. Badasses don't look back at explosions.

Remember that.

Near-universal truth. Flirting made relatively easy.
Originally Posted by Freezer Burn
Sure, but most girls like cocky comedy.

What more needs to be said?
Originally Posted by bradulator
The friendzone is a poor way to excuse yourself of your own failings.

Originally Posted by suckmahnuts
Don't stick your dick in crazy.

Originally Posted by Våd Hamster
All's fair in love and lulz

If you've got a little victory, pull off a suave fucking move, or just did something great for your girl, we'll peer review and decide if you could contend for STUD OF THE MOMENT. I don't know how often this will get used though, but it seemed like a good idea at the time
(Decemeber 3, 2011, I guess).

This moment's stud is naturally, none other than Freezer Burn.

Read 'em and weep, gentlemen.

That is how a playa operates.

A lesson in romantics by element4433.

Originally Posted by element4433

-Walk up to her and say "Hi, my name is _______ (she has to know your name if she's going to let you diddle her).
-Find out her name (you don't need to commit to long term memory, but definitely remember it until you're done diddling her. You can't diddle if you don't know her name).
- Be handsome (girls like handsome).
-Make a joke about the location you two are in (keep her laughing).
-Compliment her on her butt by grabbing it (establish physical contact).
-Make a joke about her butt; something like "Nice butt. Did you make it yourself?" (keep her laughing).
-Take an imaginary phone call. Say something like "The Chinese? Don't tell the Chinese!" (appear important).
-When she asks say something like "Nothing important (appearing mysterious). Don't worry your simple female mind (remind her that she's the inferior sex and should be trying to impress you).
-Suddenly act aloof (make her want you).
-When she asks why you're suddenly aloof tell her that she's not as pretty as you originally thought (make her try to earn your attention).
-Then she'll blow you for fifteen minutes in your car (Awww yeah).

Woffelz 10-25-2011 12:57 PM

Hang on - do these multiple threads have different info to previous ones, or are they just closed because of too many posts or something?

blake1221 10-25-2011 12:59 PM

They're closed when they reach a certain size, usually. In this case it was 15,000 posts.

It keeps things revitalized and new and fresh and shiny and clean and bright and happy.

fleajr_1412 10-25-2011 01:01 PM

Originally Posted by blake1221
Before going deeper, let's get this out of the way:

Question about sex specifically? Sex Thread

Just wanted to point that out. :p:

bradulator 10-25-2011 01:07 PM

Hai guyz, i wunt to tell dis girl i love her but i don't think she luvs me back. wat do i do?

thedefrockednun 10-25-2011 01:09 PM


MaddMann274 10-25-2011 01:17 PM

Opinion on dating girls younger than you? :/

greekboy slim 10-25-2011 01:19 PM

Originally Posted by MaddMann274
Opinion on dating girls younger than you? :/

I don't see a big deal, as long as it's legal haha. If you both truly like/love eachother, you shouldn't care about what others think. However, I think it'd be wrong for a 50 year old to date a 12 year old. That's just me though

blake1221 10-25-2011 01:23 PM

Originally Posted by MaddMann274
Opinion on dating girls younger than you? :/

How much younger are we talking about, and what ages are you?

Certain age gaps are a little iffy, while others are no big deal at all, it just depends on the context.

Originally Posted by bradulator
Hai guyz, i wunt to tell dis girl i love her but i don't think she luvs me back. wat do i do?

moar bowties.

StewieSwan 10-25-2011 01:26 PM

Relationships are gay if you're a guy and they're a guy.

MaddMann274 10-25-2011 01:27 PM

Originally Posted by blake1221
How much younger are we talking about, and what ages are you?

Certain age gaps are a little iffy, while others are no big deal at all, it just depends on the context.

I'm 16, she's 13. :shrug:

StewieSwan 10-25-2011 01:28 PM

Originally Posted by MaddMann274
I'm 16, she's 13. :shrug:


Twist of fate 10-25-2011 01:30 PM

I'm 18 and a freshman in college, she's 17 and a junior in high school but was supposed to be a senior. Okay?

Duffman123 10-25-2011 01:30 PM

Originally Posted by MaddMann274
I'm 16, she's 13. :shrug:

Oh hell na.

Half-Your-Age-Plus-Seven Rule mate.

AeroRocker 10-25-2011 01:32 PM

Originally Posted by Twist of fate
I'm 18 and a freshman in college, she's 17 and a junior in high school but was supposed to be a senior. Okay?


Originally Posted by MaddMann274
I'm 16, she's 13. :shrug:


StewieSwan 10-25-2011 01:34 PM

Originally Posted by MaddMann274
I forgot to mention, we do not have pre-marital sex here in this country. So you don't have to worry about underage sex. :rolleyes:

It's still creepy as shit.

MaddMann274 10-25-2011 01:37 PM

Originally Posted by StewieSwan
It's still creepy as shit.

How bout dating someone who's 15? :confused:

DoGaLoG 10-25-2011 01:37 PM

^ 15 is fine at 16 lol

Originally Posted by Duffman123
Oh hell na.

Half-Your-Age-Plus-Seven Rule mate.

What about if you were 50?

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