Poll: Which Jokes are the best? (Choose One)
Poll Options
View poll results: Which Jokes are the best? (Choose One)
Jew Jokes
75 8%
Baby Jokes
174 19%
Sexually Related Jokes
136 15%
Michael Jackson Jokes
10 1%
Gay/Homo/Bi/Rape Jokes
41 4%
Fat Jokes
22 2%
Cookies
26 3%
Religous
48 5%
Other
67 7%
I Like them all, and I Wuv Cookies...From your mom!
320 35%
Voters: 919.
Page 8 of 8
metalh3ad88
Banned
Join date: Apr 2008
75 IQ
#281
Why couldn't JFK be a professional boxer?

He couldn't take a shot to the head.
Zombee
UG Newbie
Join date: Nov 2008
146 IQ
#282
Rape jokes.
This is why I don't like arguing on the internet.
Quote by damian_91
If only you could back that statement up.
Quote by Zombee
Wolfgang's Philadelphia Study. Look it up yourself.
Quote by damian_91
No need to, absurd generalizations aren't my thing.
robertito696
Cybernetic Comp. Organism
Join date: Oct 2008
1,492 IQ
#283
))<>(( Forever.

eblowie for the reference.
For Frodo!
Quote by jrcsgtpeppers
No because a world full of marbles silly man is just as real as a half empty glass of microwaved nesquik.
muya
give me DOME or DOMESHOTS
Join date: Mar 2009
39 IQ
#284
whats the worst part about eating a vegetable?


puttin them back in their chair
some swell guys i met on UG:

Quote by tremeloud
You're a douche


Quote by CodySG

So I hope you have fun touching your dead dogs fur while you're rolling.



Add me
My PSN id: jbetter1 (tell me ur from UG)
MW2 WOOT!! hit me up
iHurricaneGTR
Big Gumbo Jones
Join date: Aug 2011
70 IQ
#285
necrobumped with a bad joke....
You dirty piece of shit, you.

Quote by FireFromTheVoid
I smoked weed with my mom once.
It was the weirdest moment of my life, and I`ve been caught with my dick in my hand, by my brother, with a giant close up of a dudes face on the tv.

Twatter
iHurricaneGTR
Big Gumbo Jones
Join date: Aug 2011
70 IQ
#287
Quote by SkepsisMetal
wtf necro

(Invalid img)

You dirty piece of shit, you.

Quote by FireFromTheVoid
I smoked weed with my mom once.
It was the weirdest moment of my life, and I`ve been caught with my dick in my hand, by my brother, with a giant close up of a dudes face on the tv.

Twatter
lastrockgod
Wtf I'm going to Hell!
Join date: Sep 2008
133 IQ
#288
Quote by muya
whats the worst part about eating a vegetable?


puttin them back in their chair

Aha, hadn't heard of that one. :P
Quote by EndOfNothing656
Take out the locking nut on ur guitar man! That way u can tune whenever!

Quote by Karvid
Usernames are for the weak. I have never created a username in my life and I feel proud of that accomplishment.
adamgur96
Not caring no more
Join date: Apr 2011
865 IQ
#289
I expected more lulz outta this thread, son, i'm disappointed.
I Have An Avant Garde Fetish....
Quote by Gantz92
Im in no way an amateur. I masturbate in public all the time.
Quote by Nelsean
I can get an erection just by looking at a plastic cup, or a river.
Quote by Obsceneairwaves
Don't worry, rape will always find a back way in
Johnny_Ibanez
ʎuuɥoſ
Join date: Mar 2009
1,251 IQ
#290
Question: What do you call a man who sits on bended knee in a crop field while playing a guitar?
Answer: Kneel Farm-Strum(Neil Armstrong).

kertets
Banned
Join date: Jan 2012
80 IQ
#291
Quote by Johnny_Ibanez
Question: What do you call a man who sits on bended knee in a crop field while playing a guitar?
Answer: Kneel Farm-Strum(Neil Armstrong).



I cant believe you haven't deleted this yet.
CrAzY-RiLeY
not french
Join date: May 2010
268 IQ
#293
so a man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
he then pulls a tiny pianist out of a bag and an even smaller piano for him to play, he puts them both down on the table and the little pianist starts to play a tune.
the bartender comes up to him and gives him his drink, and then talks to the man:
" wow that little pianist of yours is incredible! how did you come across such a wonder?"
the man answers that he has found a magical lamp that will grant one single wish, and that the bartender could try it if he wanted...

"only one wish, isn't that a little strange?"
"yes but its better then nothing"
so the bartender rubs the lamp and out comes a dusty old genie who moans
" what is your wish master?"
" i wish for 100 thousand bucks!"
"your wish has been granted!" shouted the genie and he disappeared back into the lamp.

about 5 seconds later a duck walks into the bar, followed by another one, and another, and another, till the room was full of them.
the bartender turned to the man and said " but i never asked for 100 thousand ducks!"
and the man answered " what, you think i wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
Quote by WantsLesPaul
You are a sick man, Riley.
Wesbanez
Registered Abuser
Join date: Aug 2007
1,380 IQ
#294
How long does it take to cook a baby in a microwave?

I don't know, im usually too busy wanking.
[thread="1575882"]Exotic Telecaster Build[/thread]

[thread="1363496"]2x12 Custom Build[/thread]


[thread="1339413"]The Official Egnater Thread V2[/THREAD]

[thread="1356444"]Seven String & ERG Legion[/THREAD]
devourke
Banned
Join date: Sep 2006
843 IQ
#295
Quote by Johnny_Ibanez
Question: What do you call a man who sits on bended knee in a crop field while playing a guitar?
Answer: Kneel Farm-Strum(Neil Armstrong).


best joke in thread
bifteksupernova
*thhbbbt*
Join date: Jan 2009
683 IQ
#296
whats the most popular pickup line at a gay bar?
can i push your stool in your for?

how do you fit four gays on a single bar stool?
flip it upside down

what kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?
a pedophile

whats long brown and sticky?
a stick
Last.fm So you can make fun of my taste in music
Youtube So you can make fun of my videos
MrDo0m
Blessed Sisyphus
Join date: Jun 2011
772 IQ
#297
What do you call a black astronaut who plays the violin?


A ****ing ***ger.
Last edited by MrDo0m at Feb 8, 2013,
pwnadgebunny
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2009
774 IQ
#298
i like sexually related dark jokes. i call it "dark blue humor".


She's so pretty in her casts
The prettiest thing I've ever seen
I only get to hold her when she's injured
I only get to kiss her where she's sore
jonathan666666
UG's Boyscout
Join date: Oct 2008
122 IQ
#299
a guy walks into a bar with a smile on his face. the bartender says "why so happy?". the man says "my wife gave birth to a very healthy baby." The bartender says "how much does he way?". The man responds with "about 25 lbs" the bartender says "that's absolutely incredible!"
The man returns to the bar a week later and the bartender asks "How much does the kid way now? 35? 45? we've been taking bets." the man says " 15lbs" the bartender is surprised and says "what happened to him?" the man replies "he was circumcised."

I'm really sorry for this one
So, as everyone knows, two different species (flavors) of cheerios cannot mate, right? That is, if one is honey-nut and another is blueberry, they cannot mate. Anyway, there is this one normal cheerio that is in love with a blueberry cheerio. Unfortunately, he cannot mate with her. He can't even communicate with her because they are of different species. So, he invents a machine that changes all of his CNA (Cheerio DNA) into whichever type of cheerio that he wants. However, this machine performs a process that is extraordinarily painful, because that sort of thing would hurt. Anyway. He does it, and the normal flavored cheerio becomes a blueberry cheerio. Unfortunately, this girl cheerio is so creeped out by this, that she invents an identical machine and does the process on herself in order to become a cinnamon-apple cheerio, just so she can avoid this creeper. So, she does it. The boy cheerio is starting to get upset at this because he really wants her. So he tells himself that he will go through the pain for her, and becomes a cinnamon-apple cheerio. She then changes to a honey-nut cheerio! He decides that this is the last time that he will change cheerio type. He does it, and she changes one more time, into a normal cheerio - the kind he originally was. So he says out loud, "Okay, this is really the last time. If she changes again, I will just stay back with my family." So he becomes a normal cheerio again, and she doesn't change fast enough for him to put his moves on her. So, they start dating, and he finally asks her to the Formal Bowl (ahaha, get it, bowl instead of ball). Anyway, He get's there and doesn't see her. He waits around for an hour, and still, she still doesn't show up. He is about to give up hope and leave. He decides, before he leaves, he should get some punch. He stands on line and waits until the crowd around the bowl is clear. He's waiting on the line for what feels like hours. but then, he looks around and realizes... there is no punch line.
FORZA CATANIA
Last edited by jonathan666666 at Feb 7, 2013,
me+yourmom=69
Banned
Join date: Jun 2012
160 IQ
#302
whats the difference between a sandwich and a baby? I don't fck my sandwich before i eat it
Nick92Slayer
Fully qualified wasteman
Join date: Mar 2011
94 IQ
#303
How do you fit a 100 jews in a Volkswagen?

Put them in the ash tray


What was the name of the first paki in england?

Amir

The name of the second paki

Amir aswell asim


Polish person walks into a bar,

of soap


Dunkno
The time has come for all to see

The men behind the curtain cast at you disease



Yours Sincerely
VillainousLatin
UG Newbie
Join date: Jul 2010
317 IQ
#304
Quote by WaltTheWerewolf
Probably kind of OLDE but its a Riddle:

There is a Green House, inside the Green House there is a White house inside the White house there is a Red House, inside the Red House there are alot of Black Babies!

What Kind of Fruit is it?


A watermelon?

I either missed the joke or I' m just bad at racism.
TSmitty6
In the traphouse
Join date: Aug 2006
300 IQ
#305
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?


Dr. Dre
58-32 NFL Thread Pick Em.
slash_GNR666
Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!
Join date: Jun 2009
374 IQ
#308
Quote by jonathan666666
a guy walks into a bar with a smile on his face. the bartender says "why so happy?". the man says "my wife gave birth to a very healthy baby." The bartender says "how much does he way?". The man responds with "about 25 lbs" the bartender says "that's absolutely incredible!"
The man returns to the bar a week later and the bartender asks "How much does the kid way now? 35? 45? we've been taking bets." the man says " 15lbs" the bartender is surprised and says "what happened to him?" the man replies "he was circumcised."


WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY

Quote by AKnownHardman
I have another joke but I can't be bothered typing it, so il let ol' Macca tell it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GQjM5qsVryw




Jimmy Saville was a big fan of jewellery..

He loved nothing more than squeezing his fingers into a couple of tight rings.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When will these Jimmy Saville sex allegations ever end?

Police are now saying Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it.
Quote by lambofgod127
btw im in hs and im almost 18 so if u do think she was flirting with me dont say that its wrong im almost a grown man.




༼ ▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿ ༽ WE ARE ROB ༼ ▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿ ༽
Johnny_Ibanez
ʎuuɥoſ
Join date: Mar 2009
1,251 IQ
#309
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.

The barman gives her one.
Gantz92
Registered User
Join date: Dec 2012
108 IQ
#310
The poll has jew jokes but not black people jokes? Those are the best dammit.
Johnny_Ibanez
ʎuuɥoſ
Join date: Mar 2009
1,251 IQ
#311
Having got a day off training, Usain Bolt decides to go for a relaxing game of golf. He turns up at Augusta with his clubs and equipment all ready to go. However the doorman won't let him in.

"There the municipal club down the road, about 10 minute walk" he says.

"But I'm Usain Bolt," asys Usain Bolt "World record holder."

"Oh, hang on then, that changes things" says the doorman. "Should take you 3 minutes."


[/BLACK JOKE]
slash_GNR666
Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!
Join date: Jun 2009
374 IQ
#313
Quote by Johnny_Ibanez
What's black and rhymes with "snoop"?


Dr Dre.



[/BLACK JOKE]


Not even 10 posts between em'

Come on Johnny!

see #305
Quote by lambofgod127
btw im in hs and im almost 18 so if u do think she was flirting with me dont say that its wrong im almost a grown man.




༼ ▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿ ༽ WE ARE ROB ༼ ▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿ ༽
TooktheAtrain
Banned
Join date: May 2012
184 IQ
#315
shamelessly nicked from sickipedia

My doctor told me I was extremely sick today.

I only asked him to add another finger during the prostate examination.