█▐▌█▐▌
Join date: Apr 2011
100 IQ
#1
we all have lawyer jokes

three lawyers on a boat
one says to the other
"i'm going on a biz trip,
need you to water my fern.
i'll give you $5 and a handjob later
to do it."
2nd lawyer agrees
1st lawyer comes back from trip
2nd lawyer is in steam room
getting handjob from 3rd lawyer
1st lawyer says "what the heck
now how am i supposed to pay you"
2nd lawyer says
"gimme another 5 dollars"
laugh track
Joey-Tribiani
yes
Join date: May 2007
90 IQ
#2
Boy, its so cold outside, I saw a lawyer with his hand in his own pockets!
Listens to Jazz

Quote by Local666Union
each time I piss in the dark I'm afraid that some wierd plant is going to eat my dick



CrimsonBizzare
spelt bizarre incorrectly
Join date: Nov 2008
214 IQ
#3
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" wonders one of the lawyers. "Watch, and you'll see," replies one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers see this and agree it is quite a clever idea. After the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch, and you'll see," replies one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. A few moments later, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Todd Hart
Do Sadists go to Hell?
Join date: Sep 2009
10 IQ
#5
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 400 million has a chance at being a human.
...Stapling helium to penguins since 1949.
skylerjames13
Dude
Join date: Jan 2009
60 IQ
#7
^ I'm surprised how well this thread turned out actually. Usually people just be dicks and derail the shit out of it haha.
Quote by DonGlover

You look like a young Eugene Levy, but with a moustache.

Quote by slapsymcdougal
Quote by Dreadnought
Kicking a man when he's down, I'm proud of you

When they're down is the safest time.

Soundcloud
necrosis1193
UG Nerd
Join date: Oct 2008
440 IQ
#9
What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

How can you tell a lawyer is lying?

Because he's talking.

A lawyer, a con artist, and a thief walk into a bar. Who orders their drink first?

Trick question, they're the same guy.
THE FORUM UPDATE KILLED THE GRADIENT STAR

Baltimore Orioles: 2014 AL Eastern Division Champions, 2016: 78-65
Baltimore Ravens: 2012 World Champions, 2016: 1-0
2016 NFL Pick 'Em: 10-6
zdh
Registered User
Join date: Oct 2007
10 IQ
#11
Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.
█▐▌█▐▌
Join date: Apr 2011
100 IQ
#13
oh woe
oh woe
y did you make me
this way
with clops of
black bricks
for a name

oh woe oh woe
i try to make
a fire with no heat
or light

but i fail

it burns
just hot enough
just bright enough
to pass for fire

i fail

i try to give
a man in the desert who is
thirsty
sand to drink

but i fail

maybe because he is delirious
it quenches his thirst

i fail

i used to be
the master
the blood of
many billy goats
i did taste

now i hunger
for their stringy
grey fur

i fail
█▐▌█▐▌
Join date: Apr 2011
100 IQ
#14
Quote by neidnarb11890
i saw that
post u deleted
█▐▌█▐▌

So what? Can't a guy accidentally hit the enter key? SHEESH.
StillSublime
now comes in superdank!
Join date: Oct 2011
41 IQ
#15
Quote by █▐▌█▐▌
oh woe
oh woe
y did you make me
this way
with clops of
black bricks
for a name

oh woe oh woe
i try to make
a fire with no heat
or light

but i fail

it burns
just hot enough
just bright enough
to pass for fire

i fail

i try to give
a man in the desert who is
thirsty
sand to drink

but i fail

maybe because he is delirious
it quenches his thirst

i fail

i used to be
the master
the blood of
many billy goats
i did taste

now i hunger
for their stringy
grey fur

i fail
why
do you
type like

this
?
UG's King Neptune

Quote by AtaBorMan
You're the biggest dick we've had in the Pit for a while.
Quote by SLEESTAK_BRO
Stop talking, you have are the biggest dick the pit has seen in a while.
necrosis1193
UG Nerd
Join date: Oct 2008
440 IQ
#16
Guys, stop doing tortilla impressions.
THE FORUM UPDATE KILLED THE GRADIENT STAR

Baltimore Orioles: 2014 AL Eastern Division Champions, 2016: 78-65
Baltimore Ravens: 2012 World Champions, 2016: 1-0
2016 NFL Pick 'Em: 10-6
keinerniemand
Registered User
Join date: Feb 2007
10 IQ
#18
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates at Heaven. Saint Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer… you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer instead reports to the Infernal Gates of Hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer finds he’s dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls the Devil up on the telephone and, in the spirit of a good-natured jibe, askes “So, how’s it going down there?”
The Devil smirks. “Things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
“What?” asks God with a start. “How’d you get an engineer? That’s a mistake: he should never have gotten down there. Send him up here.”
“No way,” sneers the Devil. “I like having an engineer on the staff. I think I’m gonna keep him.”
“Send him back up here,” roars God and, with all his righteous rage, adds “or I’ll sue!”
“Oh really?” asks the Devil coyly. “And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

Source: http://komplexify.com/math/humor.html
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
DonGlover
Occultist
Join date: Nov 2010
20 IQ
#19
Quote by MH400
I'm at Law School

It's OK Mr. Dante Alighieri, you'll reach the Ninth Circle and be swallowed by Satan soon enough.

--------------╯╰--------------
A SIGNATURE.
--------------╮╭--------------
Arby911
Finding the Pattern
Join date: Jul 2010
110 IQ
#20
Why do Lawyers wear ties?

To keep the foreskin down...
“Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge.”
Charles Darwin
AndruLuka
Banned
Join date: Nov 2012
10 IQ
#21
I read all on above post that every user share a lawyer joke. So all the jokes are very funny and I really enjoying it. But I just only says that lawyer is so important person in our society.
Demon Wolf
GT's Iron Fisted Leader
Join date: Jul 2005
60 IQ
#22
"What do you call a ship full of lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A step in the right direction!" - Guybrush Threepwood
Quote by Ichikurosaki
sloth is hacking away feebly at the grass because he is a sloth but he was trying so hard ;_; hes all "penguin im HERE i am here to help you penguin"
Obsceneairwaves
UG Member
Join date: Sep 2011
21 IQ
#23
Quote by AndruLuka
I read all on above post that every user share a lawyer joke. So all the jokes are very funny and I really enjoying it. But I just only says that lawyer is so important person in our society.



who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing
It's over simplified, So what!

Quote by eGraham
I'm going to be on top of what is called a knob
Quote by theguitarist
Big ones can be fun in some ways but generally, they are a pain in the ass.
Quote by Wolfinator-x
I don't know what is going on in this thread or why I have an erection.
cptcomet
Band
Join date: Feb 2008
60 IQ
#25
Your ex wife and your lawyer are both drowning, what do you do first?

Catch a movie or go out to dinner?

Not as funny as the others
455 75 34 88


(´・ω・`)


Quote by strait jacket
Do you like being sigged or, like me do you feel strangely violated?
Telecaster7
Call me Leon
Join date: Aug 2007
131 IQ
#26
Quote by AndruLuka
I read all on above post that every user share a lawyer joke. So all the jokes are very funny and I really enjoying it. But I just only says that lawyer is so important person in our society.


I don't know how to feel about this...
MadClownDisease
Just a Turing Machine.
Join date: Apr 2006
573 IQ
#27
Quote by █▐▌█▐▌
we all have lawyer jokes

three lawyers on a boat
one says to the other
"i'm going on a biz trip,
need you to water my fern.
i'll give you $5 and a handjob later
to do it."
2nd lawyer agrees
1st lawyer comes back from trip
2nd lawyer is in steam room
getting handjob from 3rd lawyer
1st lawyer says "what the heck
now how am i supposed to pay you"
2nd lawyer says
"gimme another 5 dollars"
laugh track

I don't get it.

Quote by CrimsonBizzare
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" wonders one of the lawyers. "Watch, and you'll see," replies one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers see this and agree it is quite a clever idea. After the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch, and you'll see," replies one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. A few moments later, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Also I get this but why is it being lawyers and engineers relevant?
Burgery
crack hitler
Join date: Nov 2009
81 IQ
#28
Quote by █▐▌█▐▌
oh woe
oh woe
y did you make me
this way
with clops of
black bricks
for a name

oh woe oh woe
i try to make
a fire with no heat
or light

but i fail

it burns
just hot enough
just bright enough
to pass for fire

i fail

i try to give
a man in the desert who is
thirsty
sand to drink

but i fail

maybe because he is delirious
it quenches his thirst

i fail

i used to be
the master
the blood of
many billy goats
i did taste

now i hunger
for their stringy
grey fur

i fail

Quote by korinaflyingv
On the come up we were listening to Grateful Dead and the music started passing through my bowel and out my arsehole as this violet stream of light. I shat music. It was beautiful.
Ometh
UG Addict
Join date: Oct 2009
401 IQ
#31
Quote by █▐▌█▐▌
I ask for lawyer jokes
people post
lawyer jokes

this thread
is a
failure

you make me
miss
tortilla

EDIT:
Quote by AndruLuka
I read all on above post that every user share a lawyer joke. So all the jokes are very funny and I really enjoying it. But I just only says that lawyer is so important person in our society.

What the fuck.
Quote by slapsymcdougal
I'm cockblocked regularly by my appearance and personality.
Last edited by Ometh at Nov 8, 2012,
Ninja#117
Registered User
Join date: Dec 2009
10 IQ
#32
Quote by captainsnazz
Why do they
bury lawyers
under five metres
of dirt
?
Because deep down
they're really
good people



That was honestly funny to me.
Knowledge is power
FireFromTheVoid
Unloved
Join date: Mar 2011
20 IQ
#33
Quote by AndruLuka
I read all on above post that every user share a lawyer joke. So all the jokes are very funny and I really enjoying it. But I just only says that lawyer is so important person in our society.

That is a good joke.
One of the third friendliest users
Stratkat's pet


Quote by Momentosis
Void is a wanker that's why

Dregen
-
Join date: Dec 2007
311 IQ
#34
Quote by CrimsonBizzare
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. [rest of joke]


CrimsonBizzare
spelt bizarre incorrectly
Join date: Nov 2008
214 IQ
#35
Quote by MadClownDisease
Also I get this but why is it being lawyers and engineers relevant?

I had read it before, remembered it involved lawyers and I copypasted it - they're not really relevant but that's just how the joke is written.

Quote by AndruLuka
I read all on above post that every user share a lawyer joke. So all the jokes are very funny and I really enjoying it. But I just only says that lawyer is so important person in our society.

You registered, searched for threads involving lawyers, and bumped an 8-month old thread to post that shit? You're an arse. Probably a lawyer.
jonathan666666
UG's Boyscout
Join date: Oct 2008
10 IQ
#36
Quote by CrimsonBizzare
You registered, searched for threads involving lawyers, and bumped an 8-month old thread to post that shit? You're an arse. Probably a lawyer.

Oh shit. I didn't even realize . Check his sig, He's a lawyer pig!
he also bumped a 6 month old thread about guitar insurance lol. Yea, he's a law-bot.
FORZA CATANIA
Last edited by jonathan666666 at Nov 8, 2012,
Mathedes
Dissonant Unison
Join date: Jan 2009
30 IQ
#37
"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." - Shakespeare
We're all alright!
ron666
Registered User
Join date: Feb 2010
20 IQ
#38
what is a definition of waste? A bus full of lawyers going off a cliff with one empty seat in the back.

ron666