seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
Join date: Aug 2007
3,144 IQ
#1
[ Still exhuming some old ones that never quite saw the light of day ]


Please,
when you get back,
tell me you're okay;
that's all I want to hear,
perhaps as a reassurance.
I know the harm I cause you,
as I torment myself and dramatize
my life as a Greek tragedy,
expecting the catharsis
of your might to enlighten me;
but you're as weak as me, and even less
you can fight with your weakness.
Then, we consume
and consume ourselves until we explode
into collateral damage on one another.
It’s best to burst through the door
and return in the calm after the storm.
Please,
when you get back,
tell me you're okay.
Last edited by seventh_angel at Oct 22, 2012,
Poypoy72
Registered User
Join date: Jun 2007
21 IQ
#2
Please,
when you get back,
tell me you're okay;
that's all I want to hear,
perhaps as a reassurance.
I know the harm I cause you,

Absolutely beautiful. Simple and very deep.
AngryGoldfish
do I "urk" you?
Join date: Jul 2005
6,606 IQ
#3
Very simple and very succinct. The only problem I had was the line break at "collateral damage". I know it's going to be hard to rearrange that, as no one formula seems better than the others, but I think you can do it. And it's crucial for something as emotionally connected and smoothly written as this. It plays on fluidity, so make sure that's there all the way through.

It really is fantastic to have you back on the forums.
smartalecG94
Just my Bronze showing
Join date: Feb 2011
183 IQ
#4
Not much more to be said, honestly. Simple and beautiful.
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People say I tan easily, but that's just my Bronze showing through.
brokencoastline
(objects) ocean.
Join date: Jun 2009
577 IQ
#5
I had a problem with the collateral damage part too, but I think it was more the phrasing, "explode into collateral damage on one another" reads awkwardly to me. Otherwise this reads well but it might be beneficial to expand on the idea of weakness in the second person. The idea feels significant but like it's just left there. Expand on it. How are they weak? You may be able to convey more about the relationship that way, and that seems central here.
kdownes
one among the Fence
Join date: Dec 2006
2,587 IQ
#7
This is surprisingly good for an old piece, Andre. A little simple and empty, but still enjoyable. It'd be nice to see a new one, too, I was really liking where your style was headed.