NGD1313
left & leaving
Join date: Mar 2006
3,718 IQ
#1
(i am the budapest
anthologist of second thoughts)

some nights you slept
on things you should've said
while i kept American breweries afloat,
(singlehandedly) with our rent money.
with nothing but
my insolence and impermanence -
my impotence for company,
some righteous, unearned fury,
while an oil-painted farmer's daughter
would try desperately
to ease her blanket insecurities,
make some sort of love to me.
i would watch the sky darkening
through her windows
and in the morning -
eat her toast and drink her coffee
leave her your phone number
on an old napkin

some nights i slept
on things you should've said
like an old mattress
useless and indented
with the shape of the people
we should have been;
on those nights,
i do not know where you went -
but i can only imagine
it was somewhere loud and ugly
a place that i would've hated
with lights on the windows
or no windows at all -
Silveroon009
The Headbanging Chikorita
Join date: Oct 2009
2,349 IQ
#2
Sounds very Lou Reed-y to me for some reason. I like it.
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Cobrevolution
non sum qualis eram
Join date: Jan 2009
1,054 IQ
#5
months, for me.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


vintage x metal
Brown-Thighed Girl
Join date: Sep 2006
5,308 IQ
#6
oh god yes!!!!! the poetry gods are ****ing salivating
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

AngryGoldfish
do I "urk" you?
Join date: Jul 2005
6,606 IQ
#7
Wonderful writing. I loved the internal word schemes, as always, and the way everything linked together into one fluid picture. It's always been hard for me to do that, to maintain something whilst still being poetic. It often just turns into an incomprehensible mess, awash with incoherent ideas and analogies I like. But this was so precise and consistent.

The first section was particularly superb. I haven't read you in a few months (well, at least it feels like that) and it was a shock to the system, as if it was my first time all over again. I missed the way you dealt with the words in your brain and the way you collected them together. I missed the sneaky rhyming the most. The sleeping metaphor was just so perfect. It's one of those things that I wish I came up with. I hate you for it, ya know?

I'm still trying to get my head around the "oil painting" bit. Would you care to elaborate? I understand if you don't want to. Some people just like to leave their writing as it stands, so I won't be offended if you just thank me for the critique and move on.

Keep it up. You're a decent writer.
smartalecG94
Just my Bronze showing
Join date: Feb 2011
183 IQ
#8
Am I the only one who read “i am the” and immediately thought “table”? lol nice piece though, particularly like the bit about breweries and about the matress in the second stanza. keep it up
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Quote by BottleOfSmoke
If I was a rich man in 17th century Britain, I'd totally adopt Alec and make him my heir.

People say I tan easily, but that's just my Bronze showing through.
jiminizzle
Lost Pilot
Join date: May 2006
2,775 IQ
#11
oh yeah^ that ending feels perfect. the rhythm and sound are great. Not sold on "singlehandedly" I think it sounds just fine without it. Otherwise, this was vital, for me, right now, and probably for some time.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
less than that
make the clocks move
Join date: Sep 2003
1,253 IQ
#13
I'd suggest cutting:

with nothing but
my insolence and impermanence -
my impotence for company,
some righteous, unearned fury,

too many abstractions too early in the piece-- almost killed it for me. Stick with your visuals; they're working.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
rocknrollstar
Debaser
Join date: Feb 2006
1,159 IQ
#14
I'm not really a regular on this part of the forum, but I just wanted to say this is one of the best pieces I've seen on here. I tend to be a melody guy so rarely do lyrics bother me too greatly - but I thought this was brilliant.


Anyway yeah, keep up the good work man.
NGD1313
left & leaving
Join date: Mar 2006
3,718 IQ
#15
thank you all so much. honestly.
Last edited by NGD1313 at Oct 30, 2012,