kdownes
one among the Fence
Join date: Dec 2006
463 IQ
#1
the road waltzes me home;

the trees fire a 21 gun salute as i step
deftly between
dropped beats and fallen leaves.
autumn breaks as only a heart can,
and the blood red detritus beneath my feet
mirrors my own bloodshot eyes.
i've been this way before,
scratched my name with impermanent partners
and ironic pierced hearts into the forever bark.

i wish only to turn around, but i know
beyond these eternal guardians and
familiar deadfall lies the great unknown and,
given the choice, i'd rather be
Last edited by kdownes at Oct 22, 2012,
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
Join date: Aug 2007
150 IQ
#4
It does sound better, but I can't get my head around what I don't like about those lines. The way it sounds better to me wouldn't be something along "I've scratched my name before with impermanent partners / and ironic pierced hearts into the forever bark", but maybe it doesn't work with what you want. Also, it can just be nitpicky of me